Kids meeting ex's new partner

[BlameNormanPrice]

Been separated from ex partner for nearly 4 years. We have an 11 year old DD and twins aged 5 (DD and DS.) Ex and I have a fairly good relationship with no issues and get along well. He has been seeing someone for a few months. Yesterday he advised that his girlfriend and her child would be staying at his for a few nights when he has the kids, so they would be meeting his friend for the first time. I have no issues with them meeting his new partner, but suggested he might want to have a chat with our eldest first to make sure she knew about his friend being there and felt comfortable (he's not actually mentioned it to DD.) She's had anxiety issues in the past (CAMHS involvement) and I think she should be aware this will be happening and not just have it sprung on her when she arrives. Also feel it should come from him so he can answer any questions she may have. I also suggested it might be better to have a couple of introductory meetings with the kids first so they can get to know his partner before overnights happen where their dad is sharing a room with new partner. Twins are awful sleepers and will often go into mine or their dad's bed during the night. I feel really uncomfortable with the thought of my children sharing a bed with their dad and a woman they have never met before and told him this. Am I being unreasonable in making these suggestions?

Youre not unreasonable. They sound like logical suggestions. However, its his choice how he operates things on his days.

You’re right that launching straight into overnights is unnecessary and doesn’t have his DC’s best interests at heart. Most people start with a meal or a walk in the park for a reason and build up gradually.

You’re not wrong to have made the suggestions but it’s up to him and I expect he said no?

Those are sensible suggestions. I doubt he will take them though.

I feel really uncomfortable with the thought of my children sharing a bed with their dad and a woman they have never met before and told him this.

You might find his new partner also feels uncomfortable so might politely make her excuses when they get into bed and leave them together. That's what I did. She might go and snuggle up with her child.

Your suggestion of meeting them first before going into an overnight stay with them is a good one. It's up to him how he does it really but hopefully he'll take on board what you said.

I agree with your suggestions. They seem sensible.

An overnight stay is not the right situation for a first meeting.

Unfortunately, yoh have made suggestions and that's all you can do.

I no longer comment at all when it comes to exh and his new girlfriends. In 4 years there's been 4. He has been engaged to 3 and lived with one.

I have asked him to hold off introducing the kids. He has ds, at most, 3 nights a week but no usually that so has plenty of time to do what he wants.

Dd is 17 and has refused to meet the last 2.

When it's on their time you can ask and suggest, but you can't make them. Even when it's in the child's best interests.

Even without your daughters anxiety it's not a good thing to spring on his children. He should be introducing them slowly.

Your ideas are reasonable and sensible. What did he say?

Not unreasonable suggestions - but if you don't trust your ex do do this, or he refuses, probably best that you talk to your daughter in advance.

I feel sorry for the new partner - I'd be horrified at waking up with one strange five year old in my bed, let alone two of them.

Your suggestions are sensible but I would also speak to your DCs ahead of the visit

He's just come back to me to say that it won't now be overnight just during the day on a day next week. I'm much happier about this and feel it's a much better way to get the kids used to him being in a relationship and building it up gradually. I'm trying to break the twins of their horrendous night time habits and spoke to him about this so he's going to do the same, meaning it'll be consistent at both homes. Hopefully by the time an overnight is on the cards there will be no bedtime visits from them as it did cross my mind how a new partner might feel if her sleeping space was suddenly invaded!

My boyfriends smallest child doesn’t sleep well but he prepared me for it (shes 4). I stayed over for the first time after knowing him a year and the kids for 6 months. She does get in the bed with us at 3am, he bought a super king bed for this reason mainly and to start with she would sleep on his side with him but more recently she climbs in the middle between us. I always make sure I am properly clothed. He chooses not to put her back to bed at 3am 🥴 so I don’t stay all that often 😂

You can’t really dictate how he does things but hopefully he will have common sense and you can gently guide him in the right direction!