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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know what to do about ex husband?

27 replies

Pipitypop · 10/07/2021 19:39

Name change as extremely outing.

Last night ex H arrived half an hour late (unusual) to collect the children and he was drunk. He had text me 20 minutes before he arrived to say he had just got off the phone at work, however he was actually drinking with a friend. He had then driven to my home & obviously intended on driving the children to his. I didn't let him obviously and I drove him back. He denied being drunk repeatedly, even when I threatened the police. He was slurring and not fully aware. He admitted eventually to having four pints but he used this as a benchmark whenever he was questioned in our relationship. He has a history of habitual lying and inappropriate behaviour linked to drink.

Anyway, this has been reported to the police and I'm not sure where to go from here in terms of contact. He lives with his parents still. His mum downplayed the entire thing and made excuses for his behaviour.

This isn't the first questionable behaviour he has displayed. The last one of note ended up with the police and social services turning up at his door due to two parents at soft play reporting his behaviour towards DS. He had been shouting at him and it appeared he hit him but he says he was pulling his top away from his mouth (he used to bite holes in them). The week before same DS said at soft play my ex stood on his foot to stop him getting up. This was January 2020.

About a year ago I asked him to stop drinking during contact time with the children too as I said it was setting a bad example because they come home and talk about it to me. He has mostly stuck to this.

My brain says stop contact but I know he has a legal right to it. The children adore him but I don't feel he is safe and I honestly feel terrified at the prospect of him ever living alone and having them there (he's looking to buy). His current contact is a midweek collect from school and stay for tea, plus Friday overnight until Saturday day.

OP posts:
MouldyPotato · 10/07/2021 19:40

Your children's safety must come first.

CagneyNYPD · 10/07/2021 19:42

The dc do have a right to see their father. But their right to be protected and kept safe comes above this.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2021 19:42

He does not have a legal right to contact. The children have a legal right and it can be stopped if it's not in their best interest. Contact social services and ask their advice.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/07/2021 19:48

I reported my then dh for drink driving.. I suggest you do too.
Then let him ask a judge to enforce the court order..
Surely your priority is to keep your dc alive?

Pipitypop · 10/07/2021 19:51

There's no court order, it's always been an informal arrangement since we separated three years ago. I just meant if he takes me to court he's going to get something right? They won't revoke it entirely?

As my post says, he has been reported and its with intelligence now.

OP posts:
Pipitypop · 10/07/2021 19:54

His apology consisted of saying sorry for being 'absent minded' and asking me not to punish the children by not letting him see them.

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Wombat36 · 10/07/2021 19:56

I'd report this all to Social Services & take their advice. You need to safeguard the children as it sounds like they'll be back at your door at some point anyway.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 10/07/2021 20:00

You aren't punishing the dc by preserving their lives!!
What an arse.!! My exh lost his licence for 2 years and his dps had to collect the dc...
He didn't know for a good while it was me who reported him. Didn't go down well!!

Pipitypop · 10/07/2021 20:01

Yes I will do on Monday, thank you. I hope they will go and talk with him again. Its a case of he said she said which is annoying, though I'm sure I'm on cameras driving him back home.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 10/07/2021 20:23

@Pipitypop

His apology consisted of saying sorry for being 'absent minded' and asking me not to punish the children by not letting him see them.
They'd have been more punished if he'd killed them whilst driving drunk.

When there's no contact order to risk breaking, just refuse him contact. Tell the school he tried to drive them whilst drunk and he is not safe to collect them, if need be pick them up yourself early and they will also do everything they can to protect your children from him.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/07/2021 20:28

I just meant if he takes me to court he's going to get something right?

Wrong. No judge will order children into the care of a drunk driver.

He might get supervised visits.

Emmylou1985 · 10/07/2021 20:29

He has zero right to contact. It is the child/ren who have right to contact with their parent. Contact does not mean face to face visitation, it means contact. IE regular communication. I would offer him regular phone/video calls but no face to face contact until he sorts his shit out. Not drinking when kids are there isn't enough.

skodadoda · 10/07/2021 20:33

Could you insist that his contact time is supervisor?

skodadoda · 10/07/2021 20:34

Supervised 😖

tempester28 · 10/07/2021 20:37

You have to put your kids safety first. He is obviously driving around with them drunk, let alone how scary it can be for young kids to be with a difficult drunk.

Link him seeing the kids to him successfully getting his drinking under control.

Pipitypop · 10/07/2021 20:46

Already informed school and advised he's not to collect so i think it's just advice from social services left.

I am a little dubious he wouldn't get any contact at all, I think he'd get supervised. I'll leave him to find out I guess if he wants to take me to court.

It's all he said she said, and his family will lie for him as they have before. They have respectable jobs in education and criminal justice so are convincing, and the ex acts very mild and meek which is how he got away with the soft play incident.

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IAmAWomanNotACis · 10/07/2021 21:21

You can buy alcohol breath tests from amazon. I would potentially look at getting him to prove he's safe to drive when he comes to pick them up - and calling the police every time you know or suspect that he is drinking them going to drive. Because he could easily kill an innocent person and you know that.

Keep a record of the other stuff.

Pipitypop · 11/07/2021 00:23

Thanks all. What a weekend 😔

OP posts:
StoneColdBitch · 11/07/2021 00:33

If you're - rightly - concerned about the risk of drunk-driving, can you suggest that you drop the kids off at his and pick them up again? Are there ways to address the risk without stopping all contact?

Pipitypop · 11/07/2021 00:37

Yes, I'll obviously have to stop overnight contact though as he would then be free to use his car without me knowing.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 11/07/2021 00:39

@Pipitypop

Already informed school and advised he's not to collect so i think it's just advice from social services left.

I am a little dubious he wouldn't get any contact at all, I think he'd get supervised. I'll leave him to find out I guess if he wants to take me to court.

It's all he said she said, and his family will lie for him as they have before. They have respectable jobs in education and criminal justice so are convincing, and the ex acts very mild and meek which is how he got away with the soft play incident.

If he has PR then school won’t be legally able to stop him collecting if he chooses. They can no more stop him on your say so than they can stop you on his.

You need proper legal advice on this and have your concerns noted.

Pipitypop · 11/07/2021 01:06

I'm aware he is legally allowed, yes. I will be there before they open the gates to parents, and I know he isn't of the personality type to get in a confrontation. Especially on the playground

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Royalbloo · 11/07/2021 08:50

My ex does this but walks to pick up DD and it's sooooo difficult to do anything about it as I suspect drinking but can't prove it.

I know that's not helpful but I just wanted to show some solidarity with you - you've done the right thing x

Kalvinette · 11/07/2021 08:53

He still lives with his parents? 🤨

Pipitypop · 11/07/2021 10:09

Sorry to hear that Royalbloo. Its really crappy to sit at home worrying 😟

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