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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To try for a second baby at the age of 40?

13 replies

Scarletbutnotohara · 10/07/2021 16:18

Am I too old? Is it too late? We have one DD. She is 11. We only ever planned to have one child, for many reasons. One of the main reasons was that we wanted to give her all the things we didn’t have ourselves- things like sending her to private school. We could only afford to do that for one child.
As the years went by, I did come to regret not giving her a sibling. She did (and does) have all the things we wanted to give her. But some of the things we put so much importance on, don’t seem good enough a reason to have not had another child.
We realise how fortunate we are to live in an area that is served by outstanding state primary schools. Our second child would go to one of those schools. That is the only difference. But is that fair? Our 11 year old has asked for a sibling as long as I remember and still does now. I’m well aware this is probably the last chance we have (if we even conceive) and I’m worried about the possible risks. I’m torn between thinking I’m just going through a wobbly stage due to my age and the acceptance that my biological clock really is ticking now, to feeling regret that we didn’t have a second child years ago, and regret over the things we put above having a second child. They would / will be surrounded by love and will have a good life.
But am I being unreasonable to do this now? Is it selfish? Or were we selfish all along not giving our DD a sibling?
I’m so torn.

OP posts:
Suspicioussam · 10/07/2021 16:22

Course you're not too old. You want a baby, your daughter wants a sibling, you can afford it, go for it! Life's for living, do what makes you happy. Plenty of parents having children in their forties these days.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/07/2021 16:28

What do YOU want, OP?

My sister had her second at 40 after a long break. She found it tough physically. And now that her oldest is looking at going to Uni's, she's still going to be tied to the younger one going to schools etc for the next 10 years.

It's not all about what everyone else wants...

Mistyplanet · 10/07/2021 16:29

Tricky one. What does your DH want? The schools thing is not an issue.

Shorthairlady · 10/07/2021 16:35

Had my first and last at 40. Am 48 now but that's just a number assigned to me because of some birth date rubbish - really I'm 33 Grin

BritWifeInUSA · 10/07/2021 16:37

Why not? I was still trying for my first at 40. And at 45. It never happened for me but good luck to you. 40 is the new 30.

episcomama · 10/07/2021 16:39

My concern would be less about your age as the gap between siblings. They'll never be at school together, and I recall reading somewhere that when there's a certain age gap (seven years, I think) then it's less like siblings and more like two only children, IYSWIM.

babyblues21 · 10/07/2021 16:50

@episcomama

My concern would be less about your age as the gap between siblings. They'll never be at school together, and I recall reading somewhere that when there's a certain age gap (seven years, I think) then it's less like siblings and more like two only children, IYSWIM.

Not necessarily. There's 14 years between my girls, and they have the loveliest sibling bond Smile

KatnissEver · 10/07/2021 16:53

I had my second DC at 42. 8 years' gap between two kids. Best decision ever.

Darkstar4855 · 10/07/2021 16:53

YANBU to try so long as you are realistic that you may not be successful.

SnowWhite80 · 10/07/2021 16:56

YANBU to have a second child, however not giving both children the same level of education could cause resentment in years to come.

Scarletbutnotohara · 10/07/2021 16:57

Thank you all. My DH feels the same as me. We both have regrets. I think as we both had quite hard childhoods, we both wanted to give a child all we wished we had. I think we just put too much of our own issues into that. Especially the schooling! We can’t afford to put another child through private school, but we certainly can afford to give both children a comfortable life. I am slightly apprehensive over starting all over again. DD is almost 12, so in 6ish years she would be off to university. We would still have a very young child. Grin but on the other hand, if we don’t try... I could live with that regret for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Scarletbutnotohara · 10/07/2021 16:59

@SnowWhite80

YANBU to have a second child, however not giving both children the same level of education could cause resentment in years to come.
Yes, this is definitely a concern we have.
OP posts:
holliem91 · 10/07/2021 17:08

There's 8 years between me and my sister. Granted we wasn't close growing up, we hated each other tbh but once I reached 18/19 we became best friends and we still are.

I think a lot of the reasons we did not get on though was because my mum used to ask my sister to look after me and help with me because she was older and was able too. But, I was also that annoying little siblingGrin.

As for your OP, I would say go for it. It's rarely the things you do that you regret, but the things you don't do.

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