Feel like I don’t fit in with this group of mates

[Serenachacha]

It’s a group of women I’ve known since school, we’re all 30 and yesterday I met up with 5 of them for a meal.
One of them asked twice about my boyfriend, and then told me at the end to bring him next time, but I don’t think any of them asked once how I was doing, or anything about my job, life etc.

I’d say 3 of them were mainly dominating the conversation with long anecdotes, and I just felt like an outsider sitting on the sidelines.
All of them, I asked them at least a couple of questions about themselves. There’s one woman who if I did say anything, she would always use it to revert the conversation back to her.
I’m not saying that people should be fussing over me, but I feel like genuinely interested people try to engage everybody in the conversation.
I’m not comfortable sharing long anecdotes about myself, I guess I’m a little shy.
Anyway I think I just didn’t enjoy the catchup, and not sure what to do about meeting up next time. Anyone else had this?

I guess I do struggle with groups, I find one to one or maybe 3 max easier.

If you don't enjoy seeing them there's no need to go to the next meetup. I get the impression you don't see them too often if you feel a bit shy with them? It's not unusual to grow apart from your old school friends as an adult.

Sounds like some of their conversation wasn’t reciprocal. If not a one off and you don’t enjoy their company much anymore would see them less.

It’s not ‘shy’ not to share long anecdotes. Some people tell funny / interesting stories, or have something big going on. Others just hog the airtime with unnecessarily long, dull blah!

Perhaps they thought you were being quiet and not engaging so tried to liven up the atmosphere. I don’t see where anyone is wrong just maybe different styles.

I hadn’t seen them altogether for almost a year, I guess I just felt a bit nervous?
Maybe it’s just as we’ve known each other so long they feel obliged. I don’t think they dislike me, no reason to but nobody seemed that bothered.

Well I was trying to make an effort by asking them questions and trying to join in the conversation but it’s hard when you’ve got 6 talking at once and some trying to dominate it.

Maybe it’s just as we’ve known each other so long they feel obliged. I don’t think they dislike me, no reason to but nobody seemed that bothered.

To be honest, I think there’s your answer. People sometimes just drift apart, especially after knowing each other for such a long time, but in a very informal way.

I’m almost 10 years younger than you, and I don’t know much about my old school friends. I’m actually meeting some family friends tonight that we see once or twice a year. It’ll be a nice general catch up, but we definitely won’t be talking about our in-depth feelings or how we feel life is going. It’s just routine to meet every summer, and occasionally at Easter too. They’re friends but we’re not close. Details about my job, life, partners I discuss with my best and closest friends, with whom I talk every day, not once every 6 months.

Did some of them seem interested in everyone else but you, or was the whole conversation kind of general and no one was really bothered about the others’ detailed lives?

Meant to say, if these people once were your best friends and you kept being inseparable once the group separated for uni or jobs, then it could seem a bit rude. If the relationship never got any deeper than it was in school, then it’s a bit more understandable.

You've outgrown them it happens.

Don’t meet up again if you feel like that. You shouldn’t feel nervous meeting up with friends. It should be easy.

Maybe we have just drifted apart. I am quiet/shy in general and it gets me down all the time. Every time I meet new people, even if I think I’ve been chatty I’ll get a comment later behind my back that they thought I was quiet or nervous or whatever.
I don’t think I’ll meet with this group again unless it’s 1 on 1 maybe.

I’ll just keep trying to meet new people, I just feel that it’s an extroverts’ world and a case of who can speak the loudest. It really gets me down.

I think that people do find over time that their friends change. Unless you have interests in common or really like each other. If the only common ground is that you were friends at school, now everyone’s hobbies, families, relationships, jobs etc are diverse, and they are all competing for each other’s attention and talking over each other, I can see why it seemed intimidating.

If you felt uncomfortable, or that none of them were bothered really, don’t feel you have to meet up next time. Whenever it is you can have something else on that clashes.

I’ll get a comment later behind my back that they thought I was quiet or nervous or whatever.

Do you feel these comments are made maliciously? Or just a bit matter of fact? I have shy, quiet, nervous friends and I’m still really happy to spend time with them. I can’t expect every friend I make to be a perfect match to my personality.

You sound lovely. You are over complicating this though.
It's simpler than you think, ask yourself, 'was it fun' if yes, do it again, if not, don't bother. Honestly, life's too short. If you waste your life on people you don't click with, you're not leaving the space for ones you will click with.
Have the confidence to love yourself, warts and all. Spend time with people you like
(PS. They sound like self absorbed twats)

It's been a strange year. I know anytime I've met with a group in between lockdowns everybody seems kind of crazy, shouting and hogging airtime, conversation skills completely absent. I wouldn't write them off on this meeting alone. Give the world a chance to rebalance.

Please don’t give up on your friends. I’ve not seen my friendship group for well over a year and I found out a few weeks ago one of my friends was terminally ill. She died last week. I’m heartbroken. I’m not saying this will happen to you but please embrace what you have. Take care x

I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. It isn’t the first time it’s been like this though.
I think it is one main friend really. Another friend (the one who just asked about my boyfriend) asked how he was, I said he had been ill with COVID and straight away it was back to the first friend and about how she didn’t have any symptoms, she was fine etc.

I don’t feel the quiet comments are malicious but they’re negative I think.