To ask how to move on beyond emotionally unavailable mother

[CambozolaCrackers]

Hi
I will keep this brief.
I feel sad, sad because I will never have the mother that I hope for.
I've just had another massive blow up with my mother, who I invited over to stay for a few days to spend time with her two grandchildren while my husband is away. It's the first time she's seen them since before Christmas, even though she only lives an hour and a half away.

In short - she is just so not interested in the children. At the park, she sat on a bench while I pushed them on the swings. She preferred to stand on the pavement rather than go to the nursery. After teatime, she disappeared up to her room to watch tv on her iPad while I did bathtime.

This is nothing new, no surprise. She's constantly demands photos and videos of the children but has no interest in actually engaging with them. It's very sad: all for show.

In contrast, my MIL has a natural, loving hands on relationship with them.

We ended up having a huge argument when I told her that I was really fed up with her and that I feel utterly exhausted (I work too). Her retort was to say 'did you think I'd come over and do everything?'
Well; no - but some support would be good. I am envious of my SILs who have help offered to them but there's just nothing for me.
I've written off my crap childhood and tried to give her a chance for a fresh start as a grandmother - but there's just nothing there. It's so sad.

It's got me reflecting about my childhood. I grew up in a dysfunctional family - violence, shame, the whole shebang. My mum once took me to a&e and I lied and said I fell off the swing (she had been hitting me with a wooden broom).
I became bulimic as a teenager. It was just so awful.

As an adult, I've moved on but it's not been a straight road. Perhaps inevitably, during my 20s, I ended up with a fiancé who had a violent streak. One memory stands out and that was crouching by the bath, with my arms over my head, as he hit me. I just remember the strongest sense of deja vu, of this being a continuation of all that had gone on before.

I met my DH some years later. He's lovely.
But deep down I still feel broken and unloveable. I've never told him about the violence or my bulimia. I still feel ashamed.
But most of all, I just feel sad - sad because even though I'm a middle aged woman of 45, and I've pushed so hard to making a loving home for my own children. - I am sad and still feel unloveable inside. It's like I'm here, going through the motions, but distanced.

Not sure what I'm expecting from this, but writing it down helps.
X

I really relate to your story. My mother used to actively avoid doing anything helpful with my daughter. I remember when DD was about three my mother wanted to bring the whole Sunday papers to a nearby park. I explained I wouldn’t be able to read with her as I would be watching my DD. She couldn’t fathom that. Her need not to be bored was all she cared about. One summer I asked her if she could watch DD for a couple of days for me as I would be working. She lied and told me she would be helping her own mother out when in fact she had no plans of the sort. I’ve worked out she was a narcissist. She never defended me as a child against my father who was violent and threatening. I think she actually enjoyed me being scared. There’s no way to get anything emotionally satisfying from someone like that and when I accepted this fact it set me free. I don’t love her. I’ve never had a mother in the real sense of the word. It’s tough but I try to be better in every sense as a parent than she was. Be kind to yourself OP. The stately homes thread on Mumsnet might help you. Lots of people have gone through similar.

My dm allowed accidents to happen to me and I had to keep quiet.. She installed herself as dgm. Whispering in corners with my dc whilst continuing her constant criticism of me and my home /dh /parenting.. I went nc over 20 years ago. No regrets..
Grieve for the dm you wanted op. But go nc op. Your mh and your dc will thank you for it..

MIL is almost like this, (without the abuse..).

But then never stops going on about SILS (lovely) kids.

I keep thinking "What about the 1 DGC living here "

DW tolerates MIL - as you would a great aunt.

I'm so sorry you had a difficult upbringing, it's very difficult to get over as an adult. I've recently become a grandmother and have genuinely been surprised at the high expectations others have. I work part-time and run two businesses but have been asked by a few people if I'll retire and look after my grandson. My son lives over 100 miles away, besides the fact that I'm only in my fifties how could I drive those distances to baby sit and how could I afford it if I left work.
A few ladies at work were keen to tell me how I'd feel, there's no love like it sort of conversations etc. Perhaps your mother needs time to develop a relationship but you can't expect her to be a typical doting grandmother. Societal expectations of grandparent hood are high and not everyone will reach them.

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that as a child. Anything that happens to us when we are young always carries through to adulthood and affects the way we view ourselves. Have you had counselling? I tried counselling a few times and found it awkward and not that helpful then on the third attempt I found an amazing counsellor who I clicked with and put me at ease. I had CBT and it still helps me 3 years later. I can't stress enough the importance of finding the right therapist.
Your mum will never change unfortunately. If you keep trying to change her or keep hoping she will then this will only hurt you again and again. I agree that going NC might help. You need to focus on yourself and your family. I hope things get better for you 💐

In your position I would:

• join the stately homes board on MN
• seriously consider therapy
• completely cut contact

The way she treated you as a child is horrific. She was cruel and abusive. She's not worthy of you or your children. You both deserve so much better.