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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are we being unreasonable?

40 replies

LuckilyLucky · 10/07/2021 15:29

I'll try to keep it short.

I have two step DC and have joint DC with DH as well.

My stepDC are 10 and 12 and joint DC toddler & baby.

When I met my husband I moved from my home village to live with him in his town. The two are about a 15 minute drive from each other.

We are looking to move and we have decided we'd like to move back to where I was originally living.

It is a much smaller area, my family is there who help a lot with DC, better schools and generally a nicer area with more space. It is also where my parent who I do a lot for lives.

We have been looking at a few houses and my stepchildren came with us to see a few. My husband's ex is now really not happy that we are considering "moving away" and is making it sound like we are wanting to move hours away.

At the moment we live about a 5 minute drive from his ex, longer in traffic. Where we are looking is about 15 mins by car.

Nothing will change in terms of how often step DC are with us, they will still be taken to school by us, still here just as often, still taken to their clubs ect.

The plan is actually for the eldest to start getting the bus to school anyway from sept and the youngest to follow suit once they get to the same age. The bus also runs through where we are planning to move so they could also get it from there to school and it would just be a slightly longer journey.

Are we really being awful for considering this?

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckilyLucky · 10/07/2021 17:55

I don't know exactly how long the bus would take to school, a quick Google has said around 32 minutes on average.

I may be bias as I travelled longer than that by train on my own to school at their age so I do not consider it a ridiculously long journey to school.

OP posts:
Romanoff · 10/07/2021 18:09

How long you travelled isn't really relevant.

Especially, as the child's journey is now being made longer.

I travelled an hour, I wouldn't want my kids doing it.

So it adds 32 mins on, is that in morning traffic?

I am not saying she is right. But I can understand she has concerns.

Original poster
LuckilyLucky · 10/07/2021 18:12

So it adds 32 mins on, is that in morning traffic?

No it doesn't add 32 minutes on top of the journey, that's how long the journey would be from the new place to their school in the old place via bus.

They would still need to get a bus even if we stayed in this town. I don't know how long that would be but I'd say at least 10-15 mins. So basically another 15-20 mins on top.

OP posts:
AintNoMaryPoppins · 10/07/2021 20:38

You can't hold back on doing what's best for you all (not just some members of your family) to avoid an extra 20 minutes on the school run sometimes.

Romanoff · 10/07/2021 21:18

So in a car it's an extra 17 mins. But on a bus it's and extra 20 mins?

Doesn't seem to add up, really. All I am thinking is that of she is usually reasonable, I would at least hear out her concerns or your dh should.

As above, you may find the kids stop coming during the week, if there s alomger journey. Teenagers whose parents are split, often do end up staying more at one than the other. And I would guess, from my own experience of having teens and not being with their father. They will pick the one that's closer to their friends and school.

So it could impact her and her children. I am not saying don't move, but I would hear out her concerns.

girlmom21 · 10/07/2021 21:25

@Romanoff in a car it's 17 minutes door to door - not an EXTRA 17 minutes.

On the bus it's an EXTRA 20 minutes. So 30-35 minutes door to door.

Does that add up now? It's not hard...

BrilliantBetty · 10/07/2021 21:30

If it's really only 15 mins, sounds absolutely fine.

Can see why she'd be concerned if it was going to add an hour of travel for them a day. But surely if it's a 15 min drive you can still drive them backwards and forwards very easily.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2021 21:32

Nothing to do with her.

Your plan sounds very sensible. Carry on with it.

DH ex moved much further than that and didn’t tell him till she’d moved the DC’s school. She didn’t have family there or anyone else she knew, there was no benefit to the DC at all.

We’ve made it work and that’s with her doing no drop off or picks ups at all.

People move. That’s life.

You have four children in your family, your two matter as much as DH’s. You matter too.

And PMSL at the comment about this being a sign he’s moving on. I expect the getting married to someone else and having two more DC probably did that already….

Challengerice · 11/07/2021 05:14

17 mins
On a Saturday at 17.50
In a car

That is most definitely NOT comparing like for like OP

A Monday morning.
8am
Multiple bus stops

That 17 mins is more likely 47 mins

Romanoff · 11/07/2021 05:29

[quote girlmom21]@Romanoff in a car it's 17 minutes door to door - not an EXTRA 17 minutes.

On the bus it's an EXTRA 20 minutes. So 30-35 minutes door to door.

Does that add up now? It's not hard... [/quote]
Maybe it's just doesn't add up to me. I don't live in a city. Or work in one. Maybe bus lanes etc in a city make a big difference. But Op said it was quite rural. And as op said, in winter travelling from somewhere more rural on bus can be very difficult.

In places I have lived in, an EXTRA 17 mins by car, would be an EXTRA 30 mins on a bus at least. Which is why most people drive their kids to school or to work.

Not sure why you are so annoyed. I didn't tell op she shouldn't move. Just that if the ex is usually reasonable, it might be worth hearing her out.

And that, usually, a bus takes a lot longer than a car. Which is why in my head, I think there could be more of a difference. Especially as the step kids, will be travelling around rush hour.

LuckyLuckily · 11/07/2021 10:45

@Challengerice

17 mins On a Saturday at 17.50 In a car

That is most definitely NOT comparing like for like OP

A Monday morning.
8am
Multiple bus stops

That 17 mins is more likely 47 mins

I've already said I've looked at Google (I haven't taken this bus personally so I can't say exactly) and the average recorded time for this particular bus journey is 32 minutes.

The 17 minutes is by car. And yes that time was on a Saturday but there is rarely traffic, even at rush hour, for the majority of the journey. As you go further in the other direction (through where we live now toward the city) the traffic gets bad but between the two places there is rarely any. I do this journey a lot myself by car.

Original poster
LuckilyLucky · 11/07/2021 10:46

Obviously that's me above! NC fail 🤦

OP posts:
sandgrown · 11/07/2021 10:53

My ex had a job that he had to move round for so contact with his children could be patchy. When he moved in with me ( 35 miles from their home) regular contact was established as I arranged it. The ex came to realise it was actually much better for her after the initial resistance. Do what is good for your family OP . The DSC are growing up and won’t give you a backward glance once they get weekend activities and part time jobs .

dreamingbohemian · 11/07/2021 10:53

If the average bus time is 32 minutes then it's probably much longer during school run times. How often are they staying with you?

I don't think you're being unreasonable but it's likely the SC will want to stay less often so you need to decide whether that's a risk you want to take.

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 10:55

15 minutes? She's being absolutely ridiculous. Don't worry about this.

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