This is such a long story but I will try to keep it short.
My Dad didn't raise me, his parents did. He's not a bad man, but he really hasn't been a good Dad. Not a bad Dad but not a good one. I did live with him and his partner for a few years but it was awful. Very lonely, isolating. They have poor social skills and didn't talk to me. This felt like a huge pressure and I started acting up at school, so this made them worse. Instead of talking to me they got moody and ignored me for the best part of 2 years. Eventually the school stepped in and I went back to my grandparents.
In my 20s my grandparents died. I moved away but I still had a relationship with my Dad. I'd visit every so often, we'd go drinking and it was ok. I felt that I adapted my personality to suit his. He wasn't much interested in who I was so I matched him.
To be fair, I didn't give much thought to my time with them because I was so hurt by my grandparents passing.
Anyway, a few years ago, I met someone, got pregnant, moved home near them. My Dad was a little pushy with names, kept going on how it better not be a boy and that's when it started. I started to get really angry about my years living with them. It all came back and I couldn't come to terms with it. I realised I didn't like my Dad very much, and I felt terrible for it, I still do.
They are dedicated grandparents, but I don't like how my Dad speaks to DC1 - you're silly, you're messy etc. It's said jokingly but I hate it. How they do things and how I do things are very different. But because my Dad is so unapproachable and defensive I feel I can't say anything. He doesn't mind undermining my parenting though...
On top of all that, our relationship has diminished further. He's so focused on the grandchildren that he doesn't talk to me. And when he does he gets offended at so little. He's hyper critical and hyper sensitive. It's like he has higher principles than everyone - you really have to mind your p's and q's. I feel there is very little I can talk about as it will annoy him in some way. When I visit him I feel like I'm sitting in the very back of my head.
Recently he ignored me, again, for some throw away joke I made, not aimed at him, just a joke. And I blew. I said I was sick of walking on eggshells around him, and if he can make his own daughter feel like that then he could have my children feel like that, and I wasn't having it.
I don't know where to go from here. He has not apologised and has said that it doesn't matter about us, but what about the grandchildren.
I feel I need a break from the stress and anxiety he causes me. I don't want to hurt them, and I don't want to deny my children a relationship with their grandparents. But it feels odd to send them there if I have no relationship with them. I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be so welcome. Thanks.