Really worried for a friend

[Sillyotter]

Posting here for traffic.

I’m in a trio of friends, all ex work colleagues but still in touch. One of the group has been spiralling out of control for the last few years. This friend has previously had addiction issues in the past but has always managed to get a handle on them. However now her drinking is spiralling out of control. I can’t share too much but it’s alcohol issues and general self sabotaging behaviour.

Of course we’re very worried for her and can see she’s walking a fine line but if she doesn’t sort this she’s going to lose everything/end up in prison or dead within a few years.

We plan on taking her to a nice place tomorrow to tell her we’re worried and can see this is going to end badly if she doesn’t sort it. Neither of us have done this before - does anyone have any tips or advice on how to go about this the right way? We’re very desperate not to lose our friend to alcohol

no idea so I would research intervention techniques.

really sorry about your friend

Maybe go prepared with infection about what help is available. She might not want help or even think that she needs it but it’s helpful to have the info rather than just saying you need help.

Be prepared that she is likely to be angry but also embarrassed.

Be prepared for her to turn on you both, she will probably get defensive. Other than that I have no advice sorry, but good luck.

Tread carefully - no tough love unless you know 100% she responds well. Make this about concern for her safety, not judgement about her behaviours (even if you think it's warranted). Offer concrete solutions and help - details of your local drug & alcohol service and how to make an appointment, a recommendation of a good counsellor, your next local AA/NA meeting, a time when one of you can go and stay with her and help keep her busy. Make it feel like there are actual things she can do, not just that she's fucked up and all the steps to fix it are huge and unattainable. Remind her you love her.

And remember that despite all that if she isn't ready to hear it, she isn't ready. That she might be upset or in denial or furious. It's not really about you and how she feels about you - having worked in addiction services, they don't come for their first appointment because someone else said they need to, or not directly. They come because they have finally reached "I have to do this" in their own head for whatever reason. And the path to that point is paved with the good intentions of loved ones who got told to fuck off - don't take it personally. She's going to need people on her side.

God no

I'm sure you're coming from a place of love, but for both of you to formally sit and tell her...? She's likely to just feel attacked

All you can do is tell her you love her, you care, and that you are both there if / when she's ready to talk about her addiction and if you can offer any help.

As per PP, she's likely to try to minimise her behaviour / deflect her behaviour / lash out / laugh it off / walk out.

All you can do is try. I would be firm - be clear you're not stupid and know there is a serious problem. That you're not judging her but want to help.

The rest has to come from her.

I think that's a really bad idea.

You are meant to be her friends, not some kind of quack americanised therapists.

She knows what her issues are. Back off.

Don't do it!

Just meet with her on your own to do something nice and gently lead the conversation around to how worried you feel for her. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her. That's it. Definitely don't try to "fix" her!!

I wonder what kind of support you can offer her? If it's not significant then I don't know if I would do this. You might think you're helping but criticism of someone's actions without any offer of help or a solution is just going to ruin that relationship and then she will just be cut off from 2 people who are positive influences (assuming you are) and someone to talk to. This will just spiral her further.

Don't get me wrong I'm all for helping. But either just have a casual convo about it in a non threatening way or have some kind of help lined up.

It's really tough she needs professional help for self destructive behaviour it isn't always available.
You are a really kind friend.

I would say,do not intervene, she will certainly know that she has alcohol problems, and is likely to deny them. Does she have any family to help at all, which is a bit better than advice from friends. as it will affect family the most.

I think what you're planning, group chat. is fine. Please update us how she responds. Expect a rollercoaster no matter what.

Take her out, tell her how much you care about her, tell her you're concerned, see if she'll open up, suggest ways you can help. Nothing more, concerned friend is ok but intervention is not. She might pull away from you both and she'll end up worse without close friends to help

@spotcheck

God no

I'm sure you're coming from a place of love, but for both of you to formally sit and tell her...? She's likely to just feel attacked

Not just that but to deceive her into going with you expecting a nice day out with friends ?

That's just not a nice or sensible thing to do.

A significant proportion of people struggling with the kinds of things you've mentioned have suffered trauma in their past and are using alcohol etc as a way to cope with being traumatised.

Shock "intervention" tactics aren't going to help. It is complex. If she is traumatised she needs to be ready to face dealing with that before she can address anything like drinking as her coping mechanism.

Being deceived by people she trusted who then come down in judgement on her is not going to help her reach that point.

Just meet with her on your own to do something nice and gently lead the conversation around to how worried you feel for her. Ask her if there is anything you can do for her. That's it. Definitely don't try to "fix" her!!

I agree that this is the most you should contemplate doing.

Do not do it in a group

What do you mean by ‘nice place’? Because I wouldn’t take her out for lunch in a restaurant, or anywhere where you’re mutually dependent on one another for transport home — be prepared for her to lash out or indeed walk out.

I would get them Allan Carrs book on quitting drink, even just pretend you're reading it as a conversation starter. Make sure they're sober, dont do it otherwise and dont drink yourself. Avoid grand gestures like rehab. It has to start small and grow through work

My mother was alcoholic so I speak from that experience. As a previous poster said, addiction often springs from some other trauma. It can't be fixed by others, the desire for change has to come from the individual.
I agree that your friend may feel ganged up on, likely to turn defensive, she may deny there is any problem and shut you down. It might well be best as a one to one.

Although your intentions are kind, I think you are approaching it the wrong way
I'd feel attacked if that happened to me

May I suggest just one person speaks to her, partly so that she doesn't feel 'ganged up' on, and partly so that she doesn't feel that you have been talking about her.
Also, it would be kind to do it somewhere that she can leave independently.

If she is alcoholic then the relationship she has with you all is fucked anyway.

If you each approach her one by one-- she'll figure out you've coordinated your efforts. She'll ask if you have coordinated.

If "just one person speaks to her" then she'll easily brush them off.
Will the efforts of "just one person" be enough to assuage your guilt when/if she gets worse?

Maybe think carefully, in this first effort, what you want to achieve in however she is approached, what is realistic best outcome. That objective might make it more obvious how you want to handle this.