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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uneven social life

15 replies

costerica · 09/07/2021 15:29

DH doesn’t really have any local friends or any hobbies and works remotely so no local colleagues. He’s never really been a socialiser and prefers computer games, occasional gigs and time away at nerdy conventions or music festivals with his weirdy mates.

I’m the opposite so now things are opening up a bit I’m starting to get busier with work dinners, drinks, evening swims etc. I would say about once a week I want to go out and maybe once every 6 weeks/2 months an overnight somewhere.

DH resents it a bit and moans when I go but I can’t accept that I shouldn’t go out just because he doesn’t want to/doesn’t have a thing to go out to. I’ve been encouraging him for years to restart a sport he used to enjoy but he won’t/keeps making excuses why he can’t. He’s not bought any gig tickets even though loads of tours have been announced now. He can’t articulate why we should both sit at home!

We do have 3 small children but they are good at going to bed and from going upstairs to being back down it’s only 45 mins ish so I do take his point about solo bedtime but it’s not that hard. I do bedtime alone regularly when he has to do site visits for work and stay overnight (appreciate this isn’t the same as my going out for drinks).

So AIBU to go out much more than him? Does anyone else have this? Is it just moaning?

OP posts:
Akire · 09/07/2021 15:32

He’s being silly you both need time apart and do things you enjoy. Once a week out and a night away every 6 weeks is hardly burning the candle at both ends. I would say that’s very healthy. Maybe you can bank all these nights and when he has a cycling mid life crisis in the future he has plenty to use Grin

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/07/2021 15:34

Well if you are offering him the same amount of time, then that's his choice isn't it. But what time do you spend together?

shivawn · 09/07/2021 15:35

A social life is more important to some people than others, it's fine that he doesn't want to go out but it's not okay that he is trying to make you feel bad about it. Once a week is not excessive at all.

Xmassprout · 09/07/2021 15:37

YANBU

Just because he doesn't want to go out, doesn't mean you should also have to stay home. He needs to quit moaning.

My husband is much more social than me, but I would never dream about moaning at him. If anything I encourage him to go on his own

LtDansleg · 09/07/2021 15:38

I think once a week is really reasonable, especially as he gets the opportunity to too, not your fault he just doesn’t want to

warmfluffytowels · 09/07/2021 15:40

I think it's fine.

He's basically having to do bedtime on his own once a week - it's hardly arduous is it?! Especially as If he wanted to go out, he could, so he's basically just getting stroppy because you don't want to sit at home with him seven nights a week!

warmfluffytowels · 09/07/2021 15:40

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Well if you are offering him the same amount of time, then that's his choice isn't it. But what time do you spend together?
If OP is only out once a week, then they have six nights to spend together if that's what he wants.
Bluntness100 · 09/07/2021 15:44

Honestly tell him to grow up. How controlling to try to make you stay in. As long as he gets equal opportunity then it’s not just good, it’s the way it’s supposed to be, why would you need to sit in seven nights a week. For gods sake.

Sit him down snd tell him the whinging stops. You’re not giving up your social life because he does not wish to go out. That’s not what marriage is.

ClashCityRocker · 09/07/2021 15:53

What you're doing sounds fine op - I'm assuming you're not staying out til 5am, coming in plastered and being fit for nothing the day after (well, at least not regularly...)

MareofBeasttown · 09/07/2021 16:28

I am a very social person and my husband is not. DC are grown now so I can go out every night if I want. But even when they were small, I would go out at least once a week. I wouldn't have any patience with moaning or a reluctance to make his own friends.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/07/2021 16:40

@warmfluffytowels

Well thats what I thought but its quite a long list of activities for being out only 1 night, ok meals and drinks probably not every week, but swimming surely is a weekly activity. So there could often be weeks where it is more. And does drinks straight from work count as a night out or just home late?

frigglerock · 09/07/2021 17:18

I think I might be unhappy if my husband were going out a few nights a week, especially if we had young children. Once a week seems fair, though.

He shouldn't be keeping you from doing things out of the house, but I'd resent it if my DH repeatedly tried to suggest that I also go out or join a group so we were more in balance. I don't feel like doing that, and I'm annoyed when people imply there's something wrong with having interests and hobbies that keep me at home. If he's complaining of having nothing to do, though, I can understand the temptation to suggest he find something to do.

He'll have to accept that you have different preferences, and it's not unreasonable to want to go out and do things more (or less) often than your partner.

LuxOlente · 09/07/2021 17:25

@frigglerock

I think I might be unhappy if my husband were going out a few nights a week, especially if we had young children. Once a week seems fair, though.

He shouldn't be keeping you from doing things out of the house, but I'd resent it if my DH repeatedly tried to suggest that I also go out or join a group so we were more in balance. I don't feel like doing that, and I'm annoyed when people imply there's something wrong with having interests and hobbies that keep me at home. If he's complaining of having nothing to do, though, I can understand the temptation to suggest he find something to do.

He'll have to accept that you have different preferences, and it's not unreasonable to want to go out and do things more (or less) often than your partner.

If you want to stay at home, fine, but why should you tell the other person that they have to also? "Once a week" sounds rubbish for people who actually like to go out and do things.

I'm the go-out partner - gym, friends, events - because that's how I like to spend my evenings when the children are asleep. I'd hate to be stuck at home.

OP should be able to live her fun life, and DH can do whatever he wants with his. "Whining" is petty jealousy.

warmfluffytowels · 09/07/2021 17:26

[quote sweeneytoddsrazor]@warmfluffytowels

Well thats what I thought but its quite a long list of activities for being out only 1 night, ok meals and drinks probably not every week, but swimming surely is a weekly activity. So there could often be weeks where it is more. And does drinks straight from work count as a night out or just home late?[/quote]
But even swimming and drinks once a week leaves them five nights to spend together. If they had small children with a complicated bedtime routine it would be different, but their DC are in bed in 45 minutes, and OP's DH then has the evening to himself to do what he wants at home.

For me, the issue is that he doesn't want to do anything himself, but doesn't want OP to do anything either. Seems a bit controlling imo. He's free to sit home all he wants but he shouldn't stop OP going out if she wants to.

Original poster
costerica · 09/07/2021 18:35

Thanks everyone.

Re: swimming, it’s often attached to work day so an early start or a later finish rather than out at bedtime but sometimes it’s in the evening. I think once a week is prob the average - some weeks twice some weeks not at all.

I wouldn’t say I’m constantly badgering him to do more stuff just reminding him that he could do more if he wanted

OP posts:
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