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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MIL?

74 replies

lostandlonely20 · 09/07/2021 13:13

I live abroad and am pregnant. Its been over a year since we saw our families and now there is the possibility that people can come and visit.

Last year after I had a stillbirth my parents came to visit but booked a hotel nearby and came to visit but gave me space when I needed it. My husband's parents came over later but wanted to stay in our apartment - we only have a 1 bed apartment and so they would've been sleeping in our living room. I said no, mainly because I was grieving and I'm quite private and wanted to have my own space to cry and not interact with anyone if needed. The flat is small and I didn't want to feel like I was hosting anyone because I just couldn't emotionally at that time and felt we'd be on top of each other.

My MIL kicked up a stink the whole trip, bringing up the fact that they had to pay to stay somewhere else, and why wouldn't we let them stay. They are not poor, have no mortgage but don't like spending money. I got so angry about it because I felt that she should've just respected my feelings during such a difficult time for me, but I'm not very confrontational and was also really struggling post stillbirth so was very passive aggressive about it and didn't say much. My husband struggles as my MIL can be very overbearing, I know he doesn't stand up to her just for an easy life most of the time plus he finds it hard to think of what to say on the spot. She also kept saying 'Oh but we've travelled all this way to see you' when sometimes I just needed to be alone (I mean it was literally a couple of weeks after giving birth and we hadn't buried the baby yet). I felt frustrated because it seemed to be all about her, when my husband and I had been through something so terrible.

Now they want to visit again and stay in our apartment - and I still don't want them to, this time because they will be flying in from the UK, where the covid numbers are going up and I'm not vaccinated at all (it's not recommended here for pregnant people yet) and I've read it spreads quickly indoors. Having lost the previous baby I am being super protective and cautious - we are only meeting a few friends about once a month but only outside and they get tests every time. No-one comes to our apartment apart from my midwife who wears a mask the whole time.

So I would like to ask if they can find somewhere else to stay and also to not see them for the first couple of days and for them to take pcr tests before we meet up. When I say to my husband that to me, this baby is the most important thing he obviously agrees but for some reason he can't just say this to his parents and just the thought of having the conversation with them feels like a huge effort because I'm expecting her to react the same way (I mean if she's happy to be like that just after I lost a baby, then I doubt she'll be more understanding now). I feel frustrated that my DH can't just talk to his parents about it, because we both know it will become and issue and he can't stand up to my MIL. AIBU?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 09/07/2021 14:22

Actually, I'm just thinking @lostandlonely20, did the visit of your parents overlap with the in-laws visit? They may be under the misguided impression that you had your parents to stay and they only want the same courtesy extended. If it could be pointed out that neither set of parents have stayed in your apartment for the reasons you've given, then they are just plain out and out rude to be expecting otherwise.

billy1966 · 09/07/2021 14:31

Oh my goodness OP, I am so sorry.

The pain is just unbearable.

You MIL is a horror and your husband is a really poor excuse of a man to not be able to protect you from them.

He has time to text them directly and kill this now.

I would be very wary of being married to a man who in the worst of circumstances opts to take the easy option, therefore putting himself and his mother ahead of you, his poor devastated wife.

Weakness like that in a man is a very unattractive trait and causes huge erosion of respect in a relationship.

Great advice above.

OP, his families behaviour is NOT normal.

His mother is NOT normal.

Just be clear on that point.

She is a ghastly selfish woman, that you should be putting HUGE distance between you.

Flowers
bluebeck · 09/07/2021 14:34

@Cocolapew

Don't ask, tell them, if she complains tell her to go fuck herself and tell your Dh to man up ffs. So sorry for your lossFlowers
This just about sums up my view on the situation too OP.

If he doesn't/cannot choose you then what's the point of him - he can fuck off too.

Franklyfrost · 09/07/2021 14:44

Look after yourself. Certainly don’t let them stay at yours. Say ‘there’s not space, it doesn’t work for us’ and stick to it.

How long are they visiting for? If it’s not too long I’d make an excuse and stay with a vaccinated friend (or at a hotel if you can afford it) and say you’re on bed rest with no visitors.

1forAll74 · 09/07/2021 14:46

They should truly understand your reasons for not wanting them to visit, or stay with you., as in like the last time, when you were grieving. You will have to be quite blunt with them, no two ways about it, and not worry about how they react, and leave them to their own woes.

DeathStare · 09/07/2021 14:50

Tell your DH that either your ILs stay elsewhere or you and the baby do. And then stick to it.

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2021 15:02

Just tell them not to come at all.

And, for once, show your husband this thread

Titch1993 · 09/07/2021 15:10

My heart goes out to you! I am so sorry for not just your loss but all the unnecessary worry! Flowers
UANBU at all!
I argee with @Nanny0gg, show you DH this thread if he argues the case. There are so many factors here that are not ok for your MIL to be demanding she stay with you.
Stay strong OP.

Brainwave89 · 09/07/2021 15:12

No, just no. I understand you do not like confrontation, but with a bully like your MIL (for that is what she is), if you give way on this then it is likely to be a slippery slope. Even if everything was going really well and you were best buddies with your in laws, a one bed flat would be a push, but under these circumstances for me it would be a simple no. I feel sad reading how she treated you after a still birth. I did not have this, but I did suffer multiple miscarriages, and the mental impact was very significant. Her reaction to your needs would have left me never being in the same room with her again. So I think you are a very generous person which is lovely.... but still do not do this.

Beautiful3 · 09/07/2021 15:38

I would send them a message that said, we can't wait to see you. Unfortunately our home is too small for overnight guests, so you'll need to book accommodation. Please could you take your tests before you visit, as we want to ensure the baby is safe. Look forward to seeing you all.

Justilou1 · 09/07/2021 15:43

The fact that your MIL seems to think it’s okay to evict a pregnant woman from her bed shows that she hasn’t developed any empathy since the last trip.
She NEEDS to stay in a hotel. (Preferably on the other side of town.)
If not, I suggest you pack your bags and stay somewhere lovely and go home when they’re gone.

Stillherenotgoneanywhere · 09/07/2021 15:57

Your husband seriously needs to grow a pair. Protecting and looking after his wife should be his priority now. His mother sounds like a head wreck. She needs to be told by him that you come first now, not her.
So sorry for your loss op Flowers

StevenYerTeasReady · 09/07/2021 16:00

@Justilou1 Your phone has autocorrected "the world" to "town".

faithfulbird20 · 09/07/2021 16:02

I'm really sorry for your loss. It's a hard situation. Can you talk to your midwife about your worries and ask her to tell your husband that it wouldn't be safe for baby if they stay? Or you could lie and say midwife said it. I know a lot of people will listen to what doctors say or what midwifes say because they're professional.

faithfulbird20 · 09/07/2021 16:04

What background are your in-laws from like what country?

Seren20 · 09/07/2021 16:30

I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers

Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. You live in a one bed flat, of course they should be staying elsewhere when they visit! Also, why on earth do they want to stay with you when there’ll be a newborn in the next room with all the associated crying during the night, moving around to accommodate their feeding needs etc? The PIL are hardly going to getting a good night’s sleep!

I think it’s reasonable to ask them to do tests before visiting given you’ll have a newborn and you have not been able to have the vaccine yet (although if they have both been double vaccinated then they are less likely to pose a risk.)

You need to get your husband to go to bat for you on this. Time for him to pull on his big boy pants and make clear to his mother that they can fit in with his family’s needs or not!

alexdgr8 · 09/07/2021 16:40

don't say you are looking forward to seeing them, because you're not.
is there any way you can offend them enough that they don't even try to come near you.

Justilou1 · 09/07/2021 22:05

@StevenYerTeasReady - Stupid phone! 😆😆😆

Original poster
lostandlonely20 · 09/07/2021 22:07

Thanks for your responses everyone. I've been thinking about it more today and I decided I don't feel comfortable with people visiting from the UK at all, which is maybe being overcautious but I've been through a lot and I just want everything to be ok with the baby. That means more to me than anything else.

We spoke to my MIL and as usual I felt I had to explain myself but my husband hardly said anything the whole time and then kept saying 'we'll think about it' or 'we'll talk about it more' at the end of the call, and we just had a row about it because I'm so pissed off that he can't back me up about this. I mean I've also said to my own parents that I feel it's best to wait, which is really hard for me as I haven't seen them for equally as long but they were completely understanding and respected the decision. I'm so frustrated, my husband says he feels guilty because it was his call to move abroad and he hasn't his parents for so long, and now I feel like that is more important to him than me and our unborn baby.

I feel like I constantly have to defend decisions which I think are perfectly reasonable but maybe I am being unreasonable now? I don't know. Sorry for the rant but I am feeling really sad and lonely.

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandlonely20 · 09/07/2021 22:08

@faithfulbird20 - they are from the UK

OP posts:
Original poster
lostandlonely20 · 09/07/2021 22:10

@DrinkFeckArseBrick this is exactly how I feel and I am losing respect for him but I don't know what to do about it. I get angry or try to explain my frustration but it doesn't seem to work, he just gets emotionally guilt tripped and can't seem to see past that.

OP posts:
Marmalady75 · 09/07/2021 22:18

If your husband is that bothered about missing his parents then send him to visit them (or better yet just stay with them, the spineless coward!)

Seren20 · 09/07/2021 23:27

The rate in the UK is going up and it really won’t be long until it’s pretty high again given all the football mixing at the moment and then opening up due next week. Please don’t feel bad for prioritising you and your newborn’s health - everyone has different levels of acceptability when it comes to risk of any kind.

Your husband really needs to stand up to his mother. I say this as someone who’s husband hates confrontation and has done this maybe twice ever himself. We had a vaguely similar issue with my MIL when she was inviting herself to visit whenever convenient to her, which was definitely more than the PIL were welcome! And yes, she threw a strop and my husband had a rubbish afternoon while she got upset and cried at him about it, but you know what? Ever since she’s been a whole lot more considerate towards me which has made the relationship so much easier! Totally shifted the dynamic, so very helpful for all of us in the long run!

dane8 · 09/07/2021 23:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cherrysoup · 09/07/2021 23:41

Stand firm, OP! Your mil is a horror and your DH is a wuss. If my DH wouldn’t stand up for me, I’d have to do it, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her to get lost. You need to protect yourself, mentally as well as physically.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine how incredibly devastated you must be. 😢