Leavers' party

[Biggerbuns]

Name-changed for obvious reasons.

This complements the other post about private school fees.

I have a big family. Some attend a private primary school because of logistical issues. We aren't rolling in it, we receive help from a number of sources including grandparents.

This time of year is eye-wateringly expensive. Every child has required a mandatory £25 contribution towards the end of term gifts and then there has been another £10 towards a gift for the 2 class reps in each class.

If you don't contribute, you don't get to sign the group card and run the risk of being ostracised from the parental clique. You then have to organise a separate gift and card and end up feeling a bit cringe.

In addition, one of my DC is leaving her primary school. Tradition has always been that there is a leaving party, usually hosted by one of the naice well-off families with swimming pool and room for a pony.

This year we were chased by the reps to let them know if child was attending the party. We were told that the cost of said party would be £40-60 which would include 2 adults, 1 child and told that there would be a sign up sheet for people to bring sides/desert. The cost of the party would include welcome drinks for adults, buffet, decoration etc.

As the party is the end of term highlight - the children are driven there by the school minibus immediately after end of term prize-giving, following a special goodbye tour of the town's landmarks etc, you don't want your child to be the only one not to go or to miss out, so we paid. We were told it would be an extra £10 per additional adult and £5 per child which seemed reasonable.

Then restrictions hit. The party is still taking place but because of restrictions, there will be the16 children in the class, 8 parents (including the two whose house it is) and 6 teachers.

The rest of us have been told that an area has been set aside in the local pub for us to have a get-together, while the 8 parents (those who have organised it) and teachers and kids have their knees up.

So we've paid £45 for a party that we aren't getting to attend and for the 8 adults and teachers to enjoy. The party does includes ice cream van, photo booth, water guns for a water fight, disco corner, photo cake, food and drink, including pizza, sides and desert.

The rest of us then have to pay more for drinks and meal in the outside area of a pub, before then coming to pick our kids up later in the evening.

I know the restrictions aren't anyone's fault, but AIBU to make a passive aggressive comment in the WhatsApp group about how it's a shame that not all parents are included and explain that we cannot actually afford to take the rest of the family for a meal in the pub, as we've shelled out almost £250 in class collections and also for a class legacy gift to the school, another tradition.

AIBU to feel hurt for being left out and to think that this is extortionate? It sticks in my craw as the school is all about what a wonderful close community they are. Or am I being tight and should just be grateful for all the hard work of the reps and that at least child is getting a party?

This is all the baggage that comes with a private school that they don't tell you about. I was listening to a parent opine about how it's really worth paying an extra £500 to upgrade their tickets for Horse of the Year show at Olympia the other day. Different world.

I think you’re being a little over sensitive. Covid means their hands are very much tied: they simply can’t have more parent. Presumably those attending have been instrumental in organising the party?

It also sounds like a lot of effort has been made, I think I’d just be glad my DC was still able to attend and hope they have a wonderful time.

Just don't go to the pub?

£40-60 is not a lot for the activities you describe.

Dd went to a private school for senior school but it wasn’t like this at all.

Most parents were not hugely well off.
Think builders, hairdressers etc Those who were really really wealthy were no different to those with little money as a lot of them had started their own lives in bleak flats in Eastern European countries.

The only difference we found between the very wealthy and the not so well off was the children’s personal bodyguards who most of the parents knew and chatted to at parties

I have a big family.

Utterly, utterly unhelpful, but this ^^ jumps out at me.

Yeah, that will certainly make things very expensive for you.

This is all the baggage that comes with a private school that they don't tell you about

At your school. My two DC have been at 2 different independent schools, and I’ve never been expected to shell out like this.

God, they all sound painfully naff and try-hard to me. If your child is leaving the school anyway, leave them to their awkward "naice " party!

Ahh fucking hell, this all sounds utterly miserable. DH went to private school and his experience sounds hideous too because he didn’t come from a very wealthy family, his parents scraped every penny together to send him there whereas some of his peers got dropped off at school in a fucking helicopter. It’s just all so depressing knowing that at the other end of the scale there’s kids who don’t get three square meals a day. Anyway, as you were…

It’s more thoughtlessness than nastiness.

Just say no, why are you trying to keep up with the Joneses?

It's not unreasonable to think all parents who choose to pay private school fees can afford £50 for 2 adults.

It's no one else's fault you chose to have a large family and chose to privately educate your children. If this is the biggest problem you have you have a very charmed life, you don't sound any nicer than the alleged clique, with the passive aggressive comments.
Restrictions are still in place, it sounds like the hosts have essentially reserved an area of the local pub for you to hang out in until the teachers leave and then you can go, so numbers aren't too high. It's not ideal but do you expect to be there while the hosts evacuate their house?

So what are parents putting in this year for combined class donations ? We have been told to give twenty pounds and given their bank details

Have come over from the other thread!

It doesn't sound at all fair that the contributions to the staff presents are compulsory, and I don't think it's standard practice at most private schools. Furthermore, there isn't a single teacher who would judge you for not participating in it.

In terms of the party, that's really bloody expensive, and very unfortunate that you can't go as well. No point being PA about it though, or even making a comment as it'll be like water off a duck's back. Just do what you need to do for your own budget and don't give any reasons or excuses to the group.

FWIW, whoever was talking about the Horse of the Year Show was talking absolute crap. It's not even held at Olympia, it's at the NEC, and I'm pretty sure there isn't a single ticket that costs £500. Pretty shallow and embarrassing way to show that you're rich. You don't need to prove anything to these people!

Am I missing something? Why aren't they refunding the money to the disinvited parents?

I have never encountered anything like this in private schools- I went to enough of them and friends have DC in juniors or youngest sibs finishing seniors. There were cliques but class events - more a junior thing- were deliberately low budget because the school recognised there was a range of incomes. People could do what they wanted at their own parties though.

I suggest that whoever handled making the party covid compliant did a shit job- can you ask for your money back?

We all went out in groups at the end of term/year. But it was more going to somewhere like TGI Fridays or some other chain restaurant.
Certainly didn’t have to cough up £60 pounds for a party.

My DTs were in private education from age 3 and nothing like this happened at their schools. No class collections, no end of year parties etc. They might have had a piece of cake and an extra long playtime hut that’s about it. Many parents were wealthy but of the type that didn’t splash the cash; old cars and second hand uniforms were more the thing. Not all private schools are like this .

What is the alternative though OP?

You're limited to 30 people outside, there are 16 children, you can't even invite one adult per child, but need enough adults to ensure they're supervised, especially if there is a pool. I assume there was a group of people who organised the party and they are the ones going.

They can hardly give you a refund if the money has been spent on the activities and decorations unless they cancel the party and send everything back.

I've been parent rep a few times for the kids in various different schools (state and independent) and I am mindful that not everyone has lots of money. But, if you don't like the way things have been done, just put yourself forward for the job and change it.

@StCharlotte

Am I missing something? Why aren't they refunding the money to the disinvited parents?

Because all the activities and such will have already been paid for, I imagine.

I don't think £60 or so is a huge amount for what you've described OP, even if it is just for one child. An ice-cream van, photo booth, disco, water guns, photo cake, food - those things don't come cheap.

Personally I would write the money off as spent - if you don't want to go to the pub instead then surely you can just go home and pick DC from the party afterwards?

Surely its more fun without the kids! Yabu, you chose to send them to a fee paying school so don't whinge because you can't afford all that goes with it.

Yes, agree they need to refund some of the money - it was that spend on two adults plus one child, now only the child is attending.

So I would expect between 30 - 40 pounds back.

Out of interest I did the maths or what the ice cream van & photo booth would have cost. Approx £300. Whereas the price of attendance totalled £720.

So that’s £420 on pizza and water guns and decorations for 16 kids!

My issue with it was that while I obviously understand the restrictions, actually what they should have done is a different kind of plan B and consulted with parents.

I did speak my mind on the WA group and other parents came to say privately that they laughed at my guts saying it and also that they agreed.

Parents in other years also got to hear on the grapevine and also stated how they would be similarly upset or in one case “raging”.

The teachers were also a bit uncomfortable, because last year, due to worse restrictions, the garden party had taken place at the school with every family invited and kept in bubbles.

Still. It’s over. I have to let it go and I’m about to leave the WA group where the organiser has said how the last people left at midnight (we were told to pick DC up at 7:30) and everyone is gushing about how much work everyone put in to make it a fantastic night.

Which is true, I’m sure they did but it’s a shame a whole bunch of parents got left out and then blamed for not having volunteered to get involved in organising.

Also - no pool.

Lovely to give a party, but traditionally every parent is invited because the leavers’ day is a huge thing.

Other DC who went there had a lovely leavers’ party with far fewer bells and whistles, everyone went and it was free.

It’s probably because that was so great and because we haven’t got out much that I had been really looking forward to this and felt a bit let down and crushed. Plus I would have helped where I could, but wasn’t asked.

My daughter has just finished yr 6 in her lovely fee-paying school and I have to say this is NOT my experience of private school.
We have been asked for a voluntary contribution towards a present for her teacher. The only person who would know who had or had not contributed was the mum who organised it.
There was a leavers hoody - again, your choice.
And they had a trip to a local outdoor activity centre, organised by a mum and completely up to you and your child if they went.
Again most of the other parents wouldn’t have had any idea who was missing?!
I’ve never felt pressured to pay for anything I don’t want to. It’s very laid back.

P.s
I can understand why your disappointed and pissed off.
What you describe has been badly handled to split who can and can’t go like that was always going to end up being hurtful. You haven’t got what you paid for and that’s a bit crap.

The whole party sounds OTT, ostentatious and ridiculous! All that for leaving primary school? And expecting everyone to pay for it?

I don't get why the adults are involved anyway? Surely a party with supervision is all that's needed? Why are parents included, I can't imagine that being so fun for the children.