Friend never wants to meet,aibu ?

[andreabbt]

My friend and I have been friends for over 20 years.
She has a 9 year old and a 2 year old.
She has 3 days off during the week and I have 2.
I'm sick of trying to meet up with her.
It's always on her terms.
For example I said a month ago.
"Do you want to meet up for lunch (with her 2 year old ) before the 6 weeks holidays .
She said "it depends on Jason's mood (her 2 year old)
I suggested meeting somewhere with soft play
I suggest having a day at the farm
She says he prefers having another child his age with him.

So she can't even squeeze a hours lunch in.
Surely you would just bring your 2 year old with you for lunch ?
It's only a hour
Aibu ?

It sounds like she doesn’t really want to be friends any more OP

Is he hard work? Sometimes I wouldn't have wanted to go out for lunch when my eldest was that age.
I wouldn't have been able to talk much and it would have been stressful, she was very difficult unless distracted eg another kid to play with. Why not offer to go round with a takeaway or nice sandwiches and she can relax? He'll have his toys and the tv.

Can you meet in the evening instead? It sounds like your DCs are at different stages.

Sounds like she doesn't want to

DS was a nightmare at 2 and I wouldn't have chosen to bring him to a meetup with a friend (I'd have spent the whole time chasing after him and none with the friend).
Have you suggested an adult only meetup?

Its a no. Let it go

TBH, bringing a 2 year old out to a cafe / restaurant can be an absolute ball-ache.

Have you got DC of a similar age? I prefer to meet up with friends who have similar age DC to mine too so they are entertained and don't then require as much of my attention. It's not easy to socialise with friends once you have DC, most of my friends are now friends I've met through my kids groups or school as it's just convenient.

Unfortunately having a toddler does get in the way of my own social life and I don't have many opportunities to see my 'old' friends though I'd like to.

Maybe leave it for now until she's out of the all consuming toddler stage.

reading between the lines of what she has said, then it sounds like she is having issues with his behaviour at the moment, maybe tantrums and feels like she wouldnt be able to relax, or keep him occupied, and is worried it would be a nightmare, or that she would be judged.

If its a good friend, then id delve further, or suggest going round there for a picnic lunch which you could bring

How old are your kids? Do you know how non stop 2 years old are?! Non chat and moving

Stop asking, she has zero interest clearly.

Stop contacting her ormaking ANY effort.

Leave it to her.

Have some self respect.

Asking twice to meet up and being put off would be enough for most people to say " no problem, get back to me if you'd like to meet up".

Maybe she has stuff going on.
But leave the ball on her court to arrange something now.

Agree, it sounds like she doesn’t want to be friends. I’ve got a similar situation- I’m leaving it now and if she wants to get back in touch she can. I’m not going to ask again though.

The 2 year old is an excuse. If she really wanted to meet with you, she would.
I have friends like this and have given up on a few over the years.
A friendship takes effort from both sides, it should not be all one sided.

Her kid is in the brat stage. She is probably embarrassed. have you suggested eating at her house so he can play and she doesn't have to worry about him killing himself or something?

She's just not that into you.

She might have a lot on her plate and the thought of lunch with a wriggling 2 year old doesn’t appeal, or running after him at soft play etc. I’d offer to come to hers for a cuppa instead, and if she still declines then yes, leave the ball in her court from then on.

If she wanted to meet, she would suggest something else. She doesn’t want to. Don’t bother.

Bringing a 2 year old for lunch can be an utter nightmare! They run off, throw food, spill things, have tantrums, ruin every conversation unless they’re asleep IME!

She’ll be on high alert watching him all the time. He’s not really old enough to go into soft play alone or play in a playground without her standing over him.

Can you suggest meeting somewhere with a secure area he can run about in, like a garden? Does she have a garden? That might be ideal as he’d have garden toys/sandpit etc to amuse him and you’d be able to have a nice sit down and chat without her panicking where he is. Or a cafe with a secure garden?

Can you invite her for lunch at yours, if your house is child friendly?

Does she have childcare?

I’d try scrapping the lunch idea or whole day outing and ask if she wants to get a coffee somewhere, or meet at one of your homes.

Maybe she’s embarrassed by his behaviour and thinks you’ll judge. I found it hard meeting childfree friends when mine was a toddler as toddlers want to be centre of attention and interrupt constantly. I spent my time with mums of toddlers for a few years as we were all in the same boat.

I honestly checked this thread to see if it was about me

I have a friend in another city who wants to meet up but I have toddler twins and it is such a struggle at times. I won't be able to hold a conversation and I panic as I feel like if they kick off I will have no support. Please don't write her off just yet - I'd bet if you suggested something with just you and her that she would like that.

Whatever her reasons, she isn't up for meeting so YANBU for wanting to meet but she is NBU for not wanting to

Unless I've misread the OP I don't think she has children? (Please correct me if I'm wrong!)
So, in fairness 2 years can be a really challenging age. Taking my son out for lunch that age was really stressful and definitely didn't make for quality socialising so I can understand your friend's hesitancy entirely.
Having said that... I have plenty of friends my age who don't have children and I just wait until I can ask DH to look after ours so that I can go out for a couple of hours with my friends without my kids in tow. So essentially I don't think she's being unreasonable at all by saying she'd rather not do lunch or finds it easier when there are other kids around to entertain her children, but I also think if she was that keen to see you she'd find a way.

I have a 3 year old… meeting a friend without a child for dinner and bringing her along would not fill me with joy.

I’m also this friend 😥 I feel rude if I meet up with someone and spend most of the time getting interrupted by a 3 year old/have to cut it short because he’s bored.
Could you see her in the evening after kids are in bed?

I'd just say, No problem. Let me know if you want to meet at some point and then I'd move on with life. I'd let her put the leg work into keeping the friendship going.

I appreciate you've been friends for 20 years - but if she's continually making excuses not to meet up and can't be arsed to come up with any activities that Jason might manage to do whilst you were there as well then I'd drop her.

I speak as someone who had three under 4s and managed to not trash every friendship I had. She could come up with something if she wanted to.