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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SILs family visiting

13 replies

CorporateReject · 07/07/2021 22:12

DH moved to the area where we met. It's across the country and his family live far away. Since we've been together it's always been DH and I who visits the ILS. Not out of choice but just how it happened in the past.

SIL had her DC and, as you'd expect, we visited her family and the rest of the ILs because long drives with a baby are awful and not recommended. Except when we had our DC, the expectation for us to visit seemed to continue and it was a minimum of 4 hours in a car with a baby with frequent stops and that was at best. The year before covid, PILs seemed to start seeing us more. Other people in the family I wouldn't expect this with but I'm always surprised SIL and her family never visit. Our children are the same age and have a desire to spend time together but SIL seems to disinterested in her DN/our child or trying to keep any relationship between them that it's upsetting that she seems to care so little. We adore DN and feel like it's a shame we can't get to know them more as they grow either.

It's also got to the point that I no longer want to keep putting myself through all of the train and car journeys as frequently to keep it up either once covid restrictions are lifted if we're always the ones making the effort. DH can't go on his own with DC as he doesn't drive and needs extra support by public transport. If I'm not traveling and limiting it to twice a year (and DC can't go by proxy), I'm the evil witch aren't I? I'm just so bloody fed up of hearing about family values from PILs when I throw my child into the relationships with mine but SIL makes it difficult to even attempt the same. This is whilst SIL has sat there and said she finds it lovely DN has cousins she has close relationships with on her dad's side.

I know I am BU as I can't make her do anything and really I'd just like her to care more of her own accord but AIBU to consider stopping as much effort from me?

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 07/07/2021 22:16

Do you invite them round to your house? I think you just have to keep on extending the invite, and every time they mention family values, remind them that you went to theirs last and you’d love to see them. So when are they coming.

However I completely understand, I have the same thing with both my mum and mil, and get very fed up of doing all the traveling. I do

Freddiefox · 07/07/2021 22:16

now ask them to come to us. It hasn’t always worked. It does Lisa me off

Freddiefox · 07/07/2021 22:17

Also when they say, we miss you we haven’t seen you for ages.. I just say, I know, but you know where we live, come over at the weekend.

Wombat36 · 07/07/2021 22:21

I moved away and my family have never really travelled to where I've lived. It's just expected & they also moan it's too far, oblivious to the fact I've always made an effort. Just ignore & go when suits.

Ginkeepsmesane · 07/07/2021 22:22

You could plan a party at home for a birthday, anniversary etc and invite them along? If they don't come, then it confirms that it's all one sided and you don't need to worry about making the trip to them, any time soon?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/07/2021 22:25

I second inviting them at a specific time and date and reason and then if they decline a number of times you can say that they've said no to x number of invites and ask why

hoolyhoops · 07/07/2021 22:28

I'm in the same position, I moved away 30 years ago and the rest of my family (about 50 of them) are still in my home city about 5 hours away. I gave up trying to get them to visit many years ago. There's just a subconscious attitude of 'you chose to move away' and that's all there is to it. And it it really is subconscious, not malicious. They actually can't grasp why anyone would want to move away from family. They have been really taken aback in the past when I've invited anyone to stay and they spend a lot of energy trying to get us to move back. On the plus side, despite the 5 hours between us we've managed to stay emotionally close and my 3 teenage dc have a great relationship with all their cousins.

jellybe · 07/07/2021 22:33

Totally get where you are coming from op. We had this for years with DHs side. They didn't even come and visit when we had the kids as 'it's too far' but it was okay for us to drive for four hours to see them with the new baby.

Honestly, invite them, if they say no or make an excuse just leave it as it will be clear what their priorities are.

Awrite · 07/07/2021 22:42

I don't think your sil has done anything wrong. One of my brothers moved away, we've visited twice in 15 years. He visits us once or twice a year.

That's the way it goes when you move far away.

I see my close-by family all the time. I am also here to support our elderly parents. Again, that's the way it goes.

EL8888 · 07/07/2021 22:54

Always interesting when one side of the family wants the other to make all the effort. I’m on the side that’s expected to make all the effort. But I have taken a step back these days. We have been busy with moving house, new jobs, IVF etc. If people are that bothered to see us they can get off their bums

hawkehurstgang · 07/07/2021 23:09

I don't think she's done anything wrong either. So what if she doesn't visit? Visit her or just leave it, it's not a big deal. Of course her DC is probably closer to cousins who live closer.

tallduckandhandsome · 07/07/2021 23:14

Start taking it in turns with PIL, they drive to you one time, you drive to them next time.

Write SIL off, just be polite when you see her and match her level of effort.

Original poster

CorporateReject · 08/07/2021 00:13

I just think she doesn't care all that much, in my opinion, if you value a relationship of any kind, it's a two way street with effort on both sides. Once that stops/if they don't even try that person is showing you all you need to know. Our children have been young during a pandemic, no effort for a video call or anything from SILs family. It's been like this with our DC since birth, it's not just the fact they don't visit but I expect quality time would help.

We've invited them to parties, etc. PIL and SIL have been told the door is always open. There's never an excuse just a 'we will see you when you're visiting next' from her. She's put all the balls in our court and I have a feeling she'll bring it up in years to come that we didn't make an effort if we stop visiting as much. I feel bad as there's a lot of upset with both children when they say goodbye as it is and questions about when they will see each other next. Sure other cousins who are closer in distance will probably be more close-knit, that's understandable but the point is, she bangs on how lovely it is and doesn't even make an effort to nurture that relationship with our child.

We live a couple of hours away from my family but see them once or twice a month and they make equal effort for the sake of our children. It's closer than ILs but we don't stick to any unwritten rules about the people that have moved away should do the travelling.

I'm sure SIL will say that in years to come about elderly parents too @Awrite as it has been hinted at that DH dared leave her to deal with that as her burden in years to come. I'm sure that we'd be there wherever possible at the drop of a hat but obviously not day to day. However, they aren't elderly yet and from what PILs say, they don't spend much time with SIL.

OP posts:

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