After a trial separation.. separate rooms??

[Nevertoolate14]

AIBU?
DH of 22 years and I recently separated for a few months after a very hard couple of years (made worse by lockdown, but underlying issues from his childhood surfaced which he’s now dealing with through counselling).

He had become really unbearable to live with and after one too many rows, he walked out. We were in contact and he very quickly wanted to come home but I insisted on several weeks of counselling first.

We have 2 DDs both school age and we’ve both worked really hard to come back together but a huge issue for us is that we are totally incompatible as co-sleepers and in many ways our poor sleep quality contributed to our marriage breaking down.
I’m a really light sleeper and an early lark, he snores/breathes heavily and likes to lay in. He also gets back pain from our mattress (we’re on our 4th different one!) but was fine at his friend’s house where he stayed whilst we were apart. He slept extremely well in fact and looked and felt great as a result. He was like a different man!
We have quite a good sex life but it is mostly confined to bedtime as we have the kids around and zero childcare so I’m not overly concerned about that suffering but I know we will have to be creative not to let intimacy slide.
Since he came home, we’ve had a lot to work through as it is - and it quickly became obvious he wasn’t getting decent sleep again once he came home and it has started to make him grumpy and our hard work to reconcile was unravelling a bit so in an effort to help us, he has decided to sleep in the spare bed for the foreseeable.
He’s very clinical about it. He says “needs must” and I know it makes sense for us but I feel so very sad. I feel abandoned again truth be told.
Him not sleeping beside me just reminds me of the time we were apart.
My head says we have to sleep apart and get decent sleep so we can keep working on our marriage whilst functioning at our best but my heart feels like it’s breaking all over again.
Will I get used to it?
Anyone else in separate rooms and found it helped heal a marriage??

Hi OP I sometimes struggle to sleep next to my DH and will move to the spare room, as even just one night of uninterrupted sleep makes me feel physically so much better. Does it have to be either or? Maybe he could alternate nights or start off with you and then move later after you’ve had a chat/cuddle?

My DH and I have had separate beds since we met.
He's a rough sleeper, snores and flails around a lot.
I'm a light sleeper.
We have been separate since 2020 ish.

Does it need to be separate rooms? Could you perhaps get one of those v posh beds that is like two singles, where the feet and head lift up for maximum comfort?? That way you could cuddle and then actually when you lay in your own side, you're basically in a single bed? Wear earplugs for his snoring, and you can try harder to leave the room quietly in the morning if you're disturbing him getting up early. But otherwise yes go for the option that gets everyone the most sleep!

My DH and I very often sleep apart as I’m a light sleeper and he snores most nights and also sometimes suffers from insomnia which makes him fidget a lot. We always go to bed together in “our” room, then when he bothers me I move to the spare room. I’d say we sleep apart probably around 60-70% of the time! But that going to bed together bit is important for having a chat, cuddle before sleep etc - so make sure you do that even if he sleeps in the spare room every night.

We mostly sleep apart - I'm a terribly light sleeper and DH snores. I also hate the heat of another body in the bed. I think it's pretty common that couples sleep apart if they have the space.

I think that sounds bliss 🤣. My husband snores. He says I do too but obviously that’s a lie! I like the window open/fan on. Joking aside. Can you tell him how you feel and maybe do separate rooms on school nights and come together 🤣 on weekend nights? Is that an option. Lack of quality sleep is hard x

I'd kill for separate rooms. We would both sleep so much better. Could you join him in his bed when you go to bed, then read, sex etc then when you feel dozy go back to your own bed.

I sometimes go into my 'other bedroom' as DD calls it, during the summer in the night if I can't sleep. I like to be cool and have space, the windows open, plenty of cold air, a fan on if it's too warm and peace and quiet. DH likes the windows shut, to cuddle up, he radiates heat, thrashes about, and sometimes snores- it drives me mad. I would happily toddle off every night from April- end of Oct once he's asleep but he gets offended or, worse, wakes up and comes into my 'other room'.
I'm all for a good sleep by myself.

DP and I have separate beds. On holiday if we stay in a house we have separate rooms or twin beds in a hotel, as I can’t bear to share a bed with him. We still have a great sex life. We just go our separate ways after cuddles at the end and both sleep blissfully!

He felt quite rejected to start with, but having had so many poor nights sleep I just couldn’t cope with sharing with him and dreaded the nights he stayed, which is not what anyone wants!! So he reluctantly agreed and now enjoys his own space as much as I do. You’ll get used to it, don’t worry.

We have different bedrooms- not an issue
For years I was a poor sleeper and we stuck it out in 1 room but I used to decamp to a spare room at 3am having not slept
He then was diagnosed with cancer and needed physical supports in bed
Cancer free now but we kept 2 bedrooms (mine usually has the dog)
Much better sleep quality
No lack of intimacy

I would love twin beds or separate bedrooms. I wish it was more common/ socially acceptable

I wish I had a room I could decamp to when husband's noisy sleeping and my irritability get too much.

Sometimes I end up on the sofa. I don't sleep well but at least I don't feel like stabbing him in his sleep.

I love him dearly but I do feel murderous when I can't sleep so don't take it personally!

Two smaller beds side by side in this house, absolute game changer. I sleep so lightly and husband has restless legs.

You definitely need to find out what mattress he was sleeping on so you can buy one.

Wish I had this option (no spare room and DH would be highly offended anyway), it sounds like heaven to me. I can understand my DH's (and therefore your) point of view but I do think it's something you would get used to and it would absolutely be worth it for everyone to get decent sleep. Seems a no-brainer in your situation tbh, it sounds like his lack of sleep may well end up finishing your marriage for good from what you've said so I can see why he's made what seems a clinical decision about it, it's do or die really isn't it?

I would be making that bed my own if I were you, nice new bedding, everything arranged as you like it, and then I'd be relishing the space and peace without the snoring, farting and general annoyance of my (much loved, except at 3am) DH. I don't think you have much choice but to make your peace with it OP, it doesn't have to be a sad thing and if it means your DH can be happy rather than grumpy surely it's worth it?