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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Child’s father

6 replies

Honeypot555 · 07/07/2021 18:32

Help much needed please!

I was with my sons father for a long time, and dealt with and put up with various abusive behaviours and his drug use, after he went onto a treatment plan he carried on his abusive behaviour until he left me and his son despite my best efforts he would never contact me to make arrangements to see our son it would always be me contacting him to make arrangements which would usually lead to him screaming at me down the phone, he would usually not have him every week either only one night every 2 or 3 weeks and each time he would go out of his way to shout at me every time it was pick up and drop off.
Things came to a head when I had another baby even though we sort of came to a friendly agreement he reverted back to his nasty ways and became more and more verbally abusive and aggressive, around 6 weeks ago he blocked my phone number and me on WhatsApp and I haven’t heard from him since prior to this I stopped contacting him in terms of arrangements and he let 2 months go by without asking about his son or seeing him when he did arrange to see him, this was when he started texting me abuse and then blocked me. I have spoken to the solicitors and although they said there isn’t much I can do as he’s blocked me from contacting him I could go down the route of mediation, I’m not sure what to do next as it’s been nearly 2 months again. Should I stop all contact altogether and not bother? Everyone I’ve spoken to in my inner circle have just said to walk away? Any help would be appreciated as I never wanted this situation in the first place I did try to maintain a friendship and amicable situation but he’s just blocked all contact altogether now.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/07/2021 18:38

Walk away. Put claim into cms.

Brakebackcyclebot · 07/07/2021 18:38

Should I stop all contact altogether and not bother?

In a word, yes. You can't force someone to be a good father. It sounds like you have tried your best to facilitate a relationship but he doesn't want one.

To add to this, your son doesn't need a father like this in his life. He doesn't need the model of an abusive man, and to see his Mum keep trying to build an amicable relationship with that man.

And it's presumably costing you money to consult solicitors - spend that money on something more productive and healthy for you and your son.

You can't make him a good father. But you CAN be the best mother you can be, and that includes protecting your son from his father.

Good luck OP

OnGoldenPond · 07/07/2021 18:39

It's his job to maintain a relationship with his child, not yours. If he has cut all contact, don't chase him, leave him to it. Then lodge a claim for maintenance with the CSA.

Honeypot555 · 07/07/2021 18:42

Thank you everyone I just feel so bad because my son gets quite upset that his dad doesn’t bother even though I’ve tried my best, can I just stop him from seeing him altogether as in i don’t let him if he tries coming back into the picture?

OP posts:
Couldhavebeenme2 · 07/07/2021 19:06

OP I've literally just had my 18yo ds read a text out to me that he sent his (perpetually useless, distant, low contact) dad after 12 years of being messed around. I have always encouraged my dc to maintain contact but began to wind back chasing the ex about 7 years ago after years of constant abuse.

My son has finally realised what his dad is, and has messaged as such, including how proud of me he isfor taking up the slack.

Stop forcing contact, but don't slag off the ex to your dc. Use phrases like daddy will be in touch when he can see you, or simply I don't know - with a prompt subject change.

If he wants to parent, let him step up and make the first step. If he's abusive via text, reply along the lines of I refuse to engage whilst you are continuing to use abusive language. Only communicate via text or email, then you'll have evidence of his abuse if you need it.

Your dc has a right to a relationship with their dad, don't frustrate this but by all means you can refuse to engage if he can't remain civil. Moral high ground and all that.

*note, it's taken me YEARS to get to this point, it's bloody hard!

Honeypot555 · 07/07/2021 19:44

Thank you I’m just scared if I’m truly honest, I’m scared in case he has a negative influence on my son if he does try to have contact after blocking me, my gut is telling me it would be for the best to protect my son like I said previously I never wanted it to get to this point he just made it difficult at every turn, he’s said some horrible things to my son that are very detrimental too.
Thank you for the advice though your situation sounds incredibly tough and your son sounds amazing and a credit to you

OP posts:
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