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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know my dc will be ok?

26 replies

Bleachersinthesun · 07/07/2021 18:19

I’m about to pull the plug on my marriage and I so wish I had a crystal ball to know that my dc will be ok.
It will be me ending things, so it feels very selfish that I will be causing this pain to my dc. However I’m not doing very well from a mental health perspective by staying where I am and I can’t see it improving.
Waiting for the dc to be older has kept me here but my youngest is still only 6.
Causing them pain goes against everything I’ve ever done and yet it has become untenable for me to stay in this marriage.
I know there are no guarantees but I so so wish that there were.

OP posts:

NeonK · 07/07/2021 18:35

As a child of divorced parents and a divorced parent myself, your children will be fine. Mine (now going adults) surprised me with how fine they were.

There will be tough times but you'll be there for them and you'll be a better mum if you're happier in yourself. Ex and I parent much better apart than we ever did together, although the early days were rough.

I waited far too long for them to be older, don't put yourself through that.

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 07/07/2021 18:56

Thank you.
I keep being told my happiness matters but I have to wonder if it matters more or as much as my dc’s happiness.

OP posts:

TallFriendlyGinger · 07/07/2021 19:01

Yes they will definitely be fine! Parents getting divorced is not a pleasant situation but it is 100x better than growing up in an unhappy home and having a bad example of relationships. If you are happy, your children will be happy!

nimbuscloud · 07/07/2021 19:03

I think if you can co-parent well with their father that will help a lot. Is that likely to be the case?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 07/07/2021 19:05

I breathed a sigh of relief when my parents split. They were clearly miserable together. My siblings felt the same.

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 07/07/2021 19:16

I’m not sure how their father will be, I think it will be difficult initially.
I’m hoping to remain in the family home but that may not be possible, and perhaps it’s not fair given that I am instigating the split.
I’ve done 99% of the parenting with the dc and am definitely the primary carer.

OP posts:

Hesma · 07/07/2021 20:29

Make sure you tell the school @Bleachersinthesun. They will then ensure teachers are aware and understanding if kids have emotional outbursts. They also have trained ELSAs who are trained to offer emotional support.

Funnylittlefloozie · 07/07/2021 20:50

My DD was a hundred times happier and calmer after her dad left, and she and I bimbled on alone. Don't under-estimate how tricky it is for children in a fraught marriage. No matter how well you think you keep it from them, they sense when you are sad and stressed.

My exH was/is quite crap, but he loves DD in his own rubbish way, and she liked travelling to stay with him. It boosted her confidence and her independence.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 07/07/2021 21:44

My dc are happy and settled and this is where I really struggle.
Upsetting them so that they are having emotional outbursts and so sad feels impossible.
I’m stuck between how can I leave and how can 8 stay.

Thank you for the posts.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 08/07/2021 06:23

Bump.

OP posts:

SquashMinusIsShit · 08/07/2021 06:27

My parents split up when I was about 16 & I wish they'd done it sooner, living in a bad atmosphere was horrible.

So many of DD's friends have divorced parents that we seem to be the outliers, they all seem to be happy, well.adjusted kids. I think it is better to do it when they are young because they won't really remember much from 'before' but as they get older they'll remember the arguments/tension etc

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 08/07/2021 06:36

Thank you.

They aren’t really seeing arguments because basically DH and I are just living very separately in the same house. That said, we are meant to be going away for a week in August which everyone else - apart from me - is really looking forward to.
I don’t want to go.
DH maybe speak several sentences to each other a day, we’ve not had sex for six years, but he still says he loves me and how happy he is. I don’t get it.

OP posts:

MsChatterbox · 08/07/2021 06:54

My parents are divorced.. I was 6 when it happened. I think I cried initially when it happened... But after that I don't remember being upset at all. Instead was just excited about new bedroom, 2 Christmas' etc. Even now as an adult I would not want my parents together because they just aren't a good match!

Vanishun · 08/07/2021 06:59

My parents didn't divorce and they should have done.

In retrospect, it messed me up, and was why I didn't have a relationship at all until my mid 20s.

I genuinely thought love was just nonsense and everyone was lying and faking it, right until I met someone, and then I had a lot to learn and unlearn.

Kids can seem happy but be absorbing all kinds of terrible messages without them or you realising it.

Vanishun · 08/07/2021 07:02

Sorry - just to add, they weren't horrible or anything, they just didn't love each other. I didn't think that love was possible or that adults could have happy relationships, and I was completely unconscious of that bias or how cynical it made me when I was young.

Lonecatwithkitten · 08/07/2021 07:03

My divorce has been horrible and messy. Mainly because my Ex was a crap husband, crap at divorce and is a crap dad. I have done everything I could to safely support DD's relationship with her Dad, but sometimes safely support meant stopping contact.
I remained constant on my parenting offering clear rules and being supportive.
Where we are is she sees that her Dad is her Dad, but not actually a great human being. But she knows that she has love and support from me and that I am always here for her. She is good and will be 18 soon and is ready to go out into the world.
Offer your children a strong stable home hope that their Dad does too, but even if he doesn't they will be okay if you do.

RandomMess · 08/07/2021 07:13

If you stay the marriage you have will be the role model for their relationships, that will make them far unhappier potentially for the rest of their lives!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/07/2021 07:23

I think it depends on how it is done. Some can put the children first and co parent well with pretty much 50/50 access etc.
In many cases though sadly there’s a lot of animosity, children see one parent very little and then new partners, more children etc come along.
For me and friends, we would all say the same thing. It was the lack of shared care and new partners that were issues rather than the split itself.

mummatomason · 08/07/2021 07:28

My parents split when i was 18, they only stayed together this long to not disrupt my gcses and college, also my older brothers education and we all wish theyd done it sooner.
We all have a distorted view of love and struggle with holding down relationships. It was a horrible atmosphere to live in. They lived there own lives in the house and barely spoke and my mum used to try manipulate us to have negative views agaisnt my dad.

I dont think anytime will feel right but they will be happy aslong as you and their dad are happy. Theyl find it tough at first but in the long run the sooner the better. They need to learn what loving relationships are like so they can have one to.
Good luck with what ever you choose to do, dont feel selfish, you clearly love them very much

HennyK · 08/07/2021 07:38

OP if you read too much on here you'll believe having divorced parents is the worst thing that could happen to a child and it needs compensating for forever more.

I have divorced parents. I'm fine. The worst part about it was the bickering during the divorce, I wish they'd just got on with it amicably but simply coming from a "broken home" as people say, hasn't ruined my life or anything of the sort.

Be prepared for some upset first but children are resilient. I think you'll be surprised providing you do things civilly (in front of them at least) at how quickly they'll bounce back.

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 08/07/2021 07:49

Thank you.
I do go down a wormhole sometimes of reading about how damaged they will be.
I know logically it is the same circumstance for lots of children.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 08/07/2021 08:01

I also worry about my DH.
There are times when staying seems easier and times when it feels impossible.
I suppose my needs aren’t met very well in most ways and it’s incredibly lonely.

OP posts:

ikeepseeingit · 08/07/2021 08:10

Oh, OP. You’re making the right decision, this isn’t the kind of relationship you want to model to your children either. You deserve to be happy OP, your children will be okay xx

singlehun · 08/07/2021 08:24

We never know if our children will be okay. What's to say if you stay together that they won't be damaged by that?

Original poster

Bleachersinthesun · 08/07/2021 08:39

No, that’s true. I just know they’re ok at the moment so it’s hard to rock the boat.
I feel sad and anxious a lot of the time, but I wouldn’t want my children to feel like this. I suppose I’m worried I’m just going to pass on the hurt to my children.

OP posts:

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