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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be p****d of at with DH?

45 replies

makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:10

Sorry for the followinf rant but I am really annoyed. My DH has spent the last 4 years trying to find a better job/make a career for himself as his jobs have been very poorly paid. He has been on loads of interviews and has succeeded only in moving sideways in jobs. His salary has not increased in the last 4 years. Six months ago he decided to try and join the army. The last six months have therfore been dedicated to him preparing for this. He has just found out today that he did not pass his army selection tests. He may be able to re-do it, but not for six months. I have been really supportive over the last 4 years but have got to the point now that I am really disappointed in him. I dont know how to be supportive of him at the moment when his repeated failures have such a big impact on our lives. We have one DD and have been TTC number 2. I think we are going to have to put this on hold now as we cant afford another one. I know that I should be supportive but I cant help being hacked off.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 24/11/2007 11:47

Yes you are bieng unreasonable. He has tried hard and it is not his fault that he did not get into the army.
I do supply work at the moment and hace applied for several permenant positions but have not got any.So I know how disheartening it is tonot get any where, But my Dh is supportive towards me and justs encourages me to keep trying.

Original poster

makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:55

victorainsqualor- i would agree with you, except that i really do not have high standards. I would just like us to be able to afford to pay the bills etc. My parents are having to pay for childcare as we cant afford that. I dont want you to think that I am expecting him to work to finance my lavish lifestyle, beacause believe me it really is far from that.

OP posts:

inthegutter · 24/11/2007 12:00

If you are earning the same as DH for half the hours, it would make far more sense for YOU to work more hours and to maybe shift the focus to YOUR career development at the moment. If your employer can't offer you more hours right now, look elsewhere for a F/T job!
Don't want to sound harsh, you're obviously upset and I know how much stress jobs and finance can cause - but tbh, there ARE solutions here. You say the police aren't recruiting in your area - have you thought about moving? - Not a quick fix solution I know, but something to consider for the longer term. As your DH has clearly had lots of interviews with positive feedback, maybe you're just not best placed geographically? I know some people seem to get lucky 'breaks' but I think 99% of your life is what YOU make it. When my partner and I finished teacher training and looking for work, our main criterion was where we could afford to live. I was brought up in the south east and that's where my family still live. It wasn't an option for us - we'd never have been able to afford to live there. Some people might whinge and complain and feel they have a 'right' to remain in the area they were brought up. It honestly didn't even occur to me to think like that. We moved where we could afford to live.
Sit down tonight with DH and talk this all through openly. Think about where you want to be in 5 and 10 years time. What do you BOTH need to contribute to make this a reality?

VictorianSqualor · 24/11/2007 12:14

Those saying apply for the police force, that really isn't a quick fix solution it tkes between 6-12 months to get in, so that wouldn't help the OP.

If he is on a low wage and you can't afford to pay the bills but have to pay for childcare, have you checked to see if you're able to claim tax credits?? You may be pleasantly surprised.

Try this calculator

pointydog · 24/11/2007 12:20

I can understand that would be very frustrating. And I can understand you don;t want to increase hours if you want to have another baby. You're right, though, you shouldn't show your frustration.

Could either of you take on a second job for a while, to save to cover your maternity leave? Or would it not be worth it?

Camillathechicken · 24/11/2007 13:52

i realise the police is not a quick fix, but if her DH is looking at an army career, but cannot get in, police might be a good compromise. in the mean time, the OP could think about working more hours, whilst DH gets on his feet. or they carry on as they are and learn to live with how things are. no easy answers

MrMiaou · 24/11/2007 14:39

If he wants to get into the army as a full time career has he considered the TA as a stepping stone? Much easier generally to get into the TA, and can then often short circuit into the regulars.

Also some very good skills training and useful pay for training evenings / weekends etc.

VictorianSqualor · 24/11/2007 15:11

Iswym Camilla, it could very well be a good alternative, thats why Dp applied to the prison service as well as the police force. I think someone suggested moving though to get into a different police forcewhich wouldn't really be worthwhile unless her dh was already in the force.

Original poster

makapaka · 24/11/2007 15:30

Thanks for all the advice chaps. I have calmed down a bit now and realise its not all doom and gloom. Things are bound to work out for the best eventually. Sorry for whinging. (not normally a moaner) Just upset I guess! (the having to stop TTC has got to me a bit. Never mind plenty of time)

OP posts:

webchick · 24/11/2007 15:44

YANBU - I am in a similar boat to yours (with 2 DCs) and I am back at work in Jan part-time to keep the family going.

Have a chat with your OH perhaps next week when things have calmed down and get everything out on the table as to your long-term aspirations and wishes for yourself and your child(ren). 4 years is a long time to not have your career more stable and constant.

Good luck.....

Scotia · 24/11/2007 15:51

It would be more reasonable to be disappointed FOR him. The poor man must be gutted. I understand it must be upsetting for you if you feel you have to stop TTC, but I'd imagine he's not too happy about it either. From your posts, it seems like he's trying his best.

kslatts · 24/11/2007 16:01

I think YABU, if you potentially earn more than him could you get a fulltime job, your dh could get a part time job and so that you would not need to spend anymore on childcare than you already do.

LoveAngelGabriel · 24/11/2007 16:10

YABU and ungrateful, sorry.

helenhismadwife · 25/11/2007 08:14

sorry to hear your dh didnt get it but it sounds like he is really doing his best to improve your families quality of life and despite what sounds like quite a few knock backs he keeps trying so Im sure eventually this will pay off. Not sure getting in the police is any easier my db applied to RAF got offered a place but not what he wanted so he applied to join the police and found that harder!!

Has he asked for feedback so he can knows why he has not been accepted this time? perhaps he can then work on that area and reapply in 6 months but in the meantime explore other options

YABU but I guess it was a huge disapointment to you as well especially when it affects you ttc number 2

hotbot · 25/11/2007 08:22

yanbu, its very easy to see dhs side, but its very difficult and draining being the one to be worrying all of the time about finances and also giving emotional support, yes marriage isnt always a bed of roses , but i think sometimes the op is sayong that she would like to relax and chill and not be the one giving all of the time......

inthegutter · 25/11/2007 10:57

But hotbot, when you read what the OP actually says, her husband has been working full time for the last 4 years, he has tried to get promotion / further his career. He has had a lot of interviews after which he has had positive feedback - in other words, he IS doing all the right things, he's just been unlucky! If he was a slacker/ was ignoring the advice given after interview etc then the OP would have a point.But this is clearly not the case. I would imagine he doesn't feel that great about it all either - especially as he has to work double the hours to bring in the same amount as the OP!

hotbot · 25/11/2007 19:23

i did read wot the poster said, she tired of being buoyant supportive and enthusiastic, whilst dh not getting anywhere - harsh but give her a break, it helps to let off steam, she needs to vent but not to him, they can get over this and come up with a master plan, i'm not saying her dh is lazy, just that i have empathy with where she is coming from. It perhaps wouldnt be as bad if he stayed quiet and got on with it, and wots wrong with earning more than your dh ?

inthegutter · 25/11/2007 20:10

Absolutely nothing wrong with earning more than your dh. But with such a huge differential - she says she earns double what he does - it would seem to make more sense for the OP to work more hours and possibly for her DH to work less if they want to keep childcare costs the same.

hotbot · 25/11/2007 20:21

itg - would agree with this too,,,

DrSpeckschwarteSurprise · 25/11/2007 20:29

I can understand where you are coming from. My DH's last job was a nightmare and he was desperate to find something new. It took almost 2 years, not because he was not suitable for the jobs he applied for, just bad luck. It was frustrating for us both, and you always take a bad mood out on the one person closest to you.

Some good ideas on this thread. The turning point for DH was getting in touch with a personel consultant. They got him a couple of interesting interviews, one of which netted him his current job.

If you say he has had good feedback from interviews, then I guess his CV is good. Might still be a good idea to have it looked at.

Hope his luck changes soon.

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