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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be p****d of at with DH?

45 replies

makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:10

Sorry for the followinf rant but I am really annoyed. My DH has spent the last 4 years trying to find a better job/make a career for himself as his jobs have been very poorly paid. He has been on loads of interviews and has succeeded only in moving sideways in jobs. His salary has not increased in the last 4 years. Six months ago he decided to try and join the army. The last six months have therfore been dedicated to him preparing for this. He has just found out today that he did not pass his army selection tests. He may be able to re-do it, but not for six months. I have been really supportive over the last 4 years but have got to the point now that I am really disappointed in him. I dont know how to be supportive of him at the moment when his repeated failures have such a big impact on our lives. We have one DD and have been TTC number 2. I think we are going to have to put this on hold now as we cant afford another one. I know that I should be supportive but I cant help being hacked off.

OP posts:
Camillathechicken · 24/11/2007 11:14

yab a little unreasonable

not like he has spent the last four years sat on his bum doing nothing, he has been trying to get a better career and provide more.

i bet he is absolutely gutted he failed the selection test after such a lot of preparation

don;t let him know you are disappointed in him.

does he know why he did not pass?

must be very frustrating for you , especially putting plans to TTC on hold, but he is trying to do his best

LadyOfWaffle · 24/11/2007 11:14

Do you work?

beeper · 24/11/2007 11:19

For better for worse,
For richer for poorer,
In sickness and in health.

Do you have a roof over your head.
Do you have food to eat.

Is it the fact that you want more things and more money, or are you not satisfied with the basics.

He must feel bloody awful for not getting into the army.

inthegutter · 24/11/2007 11:20

You're obviously very upset about this, but i agree that you're being rather unreasonable. If he'd been sat on his backside at home for 4 years you'd have a point - but he hasn't has he? He's been looking to better himself, and find new opportunities. LadyofWaffle asks a good question - do you work too? Because if not, then I think you're being even more unreasonable, expecting him to do all the providing. As far as planning your family is concerned - well, we had to leave a bigger gap than I would ideally have liked between dc1 and 2, precisely because we couldnt afford childcare for two at that point and we certainly couldnt afford for either of us to give up work. That's life I'm afraid!

Lazarou · 24/11/2007 11:20

Sounds like it's time for him to stop fannying about. If he was single then it wouldnt really matter, but he has to think about what's best for his family.

LadyOfWaffle · 24/11/2007 11:21

I love that phrase fannying about - reminds me of the Thin Blue Line lol

Lazarou · 24/11/2007 11:22

I know, I adore the thin blue line

Original poster
makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:22

I work part time in a reasonably well paying job. I work half the hours that he does for virtually the same money as he earns which is frustrating. I am not letting him know how disappointed I am because I know this wont help. He is doing his best I know. The hardest thing is having to stop TTC for the forseeable future.

OP posts:
Camillathechicken · 24/11/2007 11:23

you sound like you are not satisfied with what he is doing.... what do you think he should be doing? 'repeated failures' 'i am really disappointed in him'.. what can he do to make you proud? he is doing his best, surely?

LadyOfWaffle · 24/11/2007 11:24

Ah ok. Hmmm... on the one hand at least he's trying but I can see your frustrations.

Camillathechicken · 24/11/2007 11:25

what career is he in?

has he considered the police force?

inthegutter · 24/11/2007 11:30

Maybe he needs advice about how he is presenting himself. Has he had decent feedback after interviews on what he needs to do to improve his chances? I'm not sure how to access the best sources of advice but I bet there's some MNers out there who would know?
I KNOW its tough when you want to try for a baby, and I really do know how that feels, because of our situation which was a long time ago now. We were in a similar trap, it was around the time that interest rates were very high, we were both working and couldnt afford double the childcare fees. There was absolutely no choice! But things WILL get better even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually for us, interests rates began to drop, DH got a promotion and things began to pick up. But it's hard.

Original poster
makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:30

I know I am being unreasonable and that being married is bout the good and the bad. Its just that I have been putting everything into this so far. I bought the car, the house supported him through college and pay most of the bills including his debts. Just a bit tired of being supportive emotionally as well as financially. But will take on board your comments and try being supportive some more.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 24/11/2007 11:31

i know you say that you are hiding your upset , but he will have picked up on it and probably feels doubly awful

he is trying hard, showing ambition, trying different things

what is wrong with a sideways move in a job? Not everyone wants to or can move up the promotional ladder

frostythesnowmum · 24/11/2007 11:32

YABU

Personally at this time the army is the last place I would want my husband. No offence to those in the service as I am fully behind our troops but the dangers are just too much and I could not cope with the separations.

Camillathechicken · 24/11/2007 11:32

good point re feedback.

makapaka , i think it is absolutely fine to feel so upset, cross and disappointed as you feel like you have been carrying the whole family. why not have a nice meal tonight, bottle of wine, and talk about things, and wher you both see yourselves ?

must be hard for both of you

NAB3littlemonkeys · 24/11/2007 11:33

I think to say you are disappointed in him is a little harsh. Be disappointed that he failed his tests. I know it is tough when you need more money, my husband took a new job last yewar and we are thousands down, but we manage as his job is great.

I hope things get better for you soon.

VictorianSqualor · 24/11/2007 11:35

Erm, he is working, yes? and has continued to stay in employment? and has tried to get better jobs but to no avail??

I can totally understand the army selection, my DP is currently in the middle of the application process for both the prison service and the police servie, but whilst he is doing that he is in a job he hates because he still needs to get paid.

I don't see what the problem is with your DH unless he has been either not working or turning down better paid jobs.

Original poster
makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:35

camilla- he works in a call centre at the moment. Has considered the police but they are not recruiting at the moment around here.

inthe gutter- that the annoying thing, he always gets really good feedback from interviews, is really bright and desperately wants to do well. Is seems he is not getting the breaks.

Ruby- The problem of moving sideways is that unfotunatley the cost of living goes up. If your wages do not things get tricky.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 24/11/2007 11:36

Also, you say you work almost half the hours than he does for the same wage and that it is frustrating for you, how demoralised do you think that situation in itself probably makes him feel??

RubySlippers · 24/11/2007 11:38

i know ... i guess what i am also hinting at is that perhaps he doesn't want to do that?

My own DH was always a real high flier - super ambitious and working a million hours per week - he then decided he wanted to try something totally different and less "senior" --- took me totally by surprise

i also had to support us financially

could you not increase your hours for a while to take some pressure off financially?

Original poster
makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:38

I know that victoriansqualor, but what would you suggest. That I get a worse job just to make him feel better. Someone has to pay the bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
makapaka · 24/11/2007 11:40

Ruby- i have looked into increasing my hours but my employer cant offer that at the moment.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 24/11/2007 11:44

No, of course not.

As I said in my first post, I think it's unfair of you to complain that he has a job and has been trying to get a better one to no avail.

That isn't his fault.

If he was a lazy Keith Miller-type then I'd say kick his arse and get him out there, but he is earning, just not enough to your standards, which I think is unreasonable.

RubySlippers · 24/11/2007 11:45

can you change jobs then?