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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel like I can't cope

7 replies

eyeslikebutterflies · 07/07/2021 10:38

Posting here for traffic. Genuinely can't work out whether I'm being dramatic or not. Please be gentle and don't pile on!

My DS was diagnosed with 2 autoimmune diseases in May. It's turned our lives upside down, had a hospital stay while they stabilised him, he will be managing his conditions for the rest of his life. They are life changing and in the case of one life threatening, but people generally think they're not that bad (as I used to). We have to manage his conditions carefully for the rest of his life, we have an endless parade of clinics and appointments, and I seem to spend my life getting repeat prescriptions and trotting to the pharmacy - there is so much STUFF he needs to live a 'normal' life and bits and bobs run out every few days and the GP won't let us get a month's supply of ANYTHING. The admin on that alone is stupid.

At the same time DD has been on an endless round of isolations from school due to covid. She's had 4 days in school in the past month. I am working while home-schooling yet again. I had a terrible reaction to my second jab, which led to 2 conditions I suffer from getting very bad (they've not been bad for years). And I have a blood glucose disorder that has also gone haywire and I am in constant state of hypoglycemia, which is not very pleasant.

On top of that, I run a business. It's been very stressful for the past 18 months but we have got through. Before my DS's diagnosis I was trying to push through changes that would make how we work - currently very stressful - more sustainable. My business partner is not keen on any changes. He has not given me much support since my DS's diagnosis. He seems to be avoiding communicating with me; he's called me once in the past month (we are still WFH). But I have a lovely team, though even so I feel like I'm on my own when it comes to work.

I have various board commitments. I stepped down from 2 when my DS was diagnosed. I asked for support from the other and they said yes, but they meant no, as after 3 weeks of leaving me to it, I'm now working as hard as ever for them.

Every morning I go for a run and every morning while I'm running I cry. I spend a lot of time feeling very anxious. I'm not sleeping very well. I normally just get on with things, but I am finding it hard to focus. I can't work out what's going on with me - I get the feeling from work and from my board commitments that they think I've over-egged my DS's illnesses and that we should be back to normal by now, and that I should just crack on because he's fine. But he's not fine: yes, he's not at risk of imminent death (unless we really F up) but this isn't something that's ever going to go away. Poor kid is devastated, despite all my efforts to smooth things out for him.

But am I overreacting to my DS's diagnosis? Should I woman up and crack on? How can I stop myself crying, losing focus? I have a good life, a good family, a supportive DH. So why can't I be thankful for what I've got instead of falling apart slowly and so horribly?

Sorry for the essay. I don't feel like I say can this out loud to anyone because I think they will think I'm pathetic. My DH knows, he supports me, but when you're locked in a house together for so long and it's just us, it's hard to know whether how we feel is how the world feels, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:
Xmassprout · 07/07/2021 10:46

Find out a child has a long term illness is going to have a profound affect on you. Doesn't matter if they are OK for the time being, that is a huge thing to go through

On top of that you have your own health conditions and a lot going on, it's no wonder you're finding things hard.

It may be worthwhile a chat with your GP to try and get some support so you can get your mental health in a better place

therocinante · 07/07/2021 11:01

YANBU at all - that's a LOT of things to cope with at once. The administrative stress of organising your children's health and schooling, the effects on your own health, the general stress of running your own business compounded by all the other commitments, and you still manage to get a run in - you're an absolute trooper for being still standing, to be honest.

You don't always have to be thankful. You're allowed to acknowledge that you are finding it hard - it doesn't matter if someone else wouldn't (although I can't imagine anyone else would breeze through those things all at once) and while it's great you can recognise your relative fortune in having a supportive partner and a good life overall, those things aren't a shield against bad things happening and you're still allowed to be overwhelmed.

Allow yourself the room to be angry and sad about a big change to your little boy's life, and your life as a result. Drop what you can drop - your mental health is more important than any board appointment. Tell people around you you need support and tell them what they can do. If you can afford it (/have good CAMHS near you) and he's old enough to benefit get your son some counselling from someone who understands chronic illness. Don't feel like you have to keep plowing forward and 'coping' all the time - sometimes the most effective coping mechanism is to throw up your hands and say, 'nope, can't do all this by myself'.

eyeslikebutterflies · 07/07/2021 11:05

Thank you. I'm having a little cry now! I think I'm just so used to being Someone Who Copes, we've had a really shit few years with other stuff (pre-Coronavirus) but I've managed to get on through. I just feel like I've hit a wall and I don't know what to do right now.

OP posts:
Cassandraprobs · 07/07/2021 11:07

You definitely don't sound pathetic, you sound massively overworked. I know it's difficult but could you be firmer with the people who aren't helping - sometimes people are only too happy not to put themselves out if they don't have to. Eg, tell the GP you cannot get so many prescriptions and if they don't give a month's supply you WILL be forced to let DS go without when you run out as you're so stretched and what does he/she propose? And eg, tell your business partner you need these changes so you'll be implementing them asap unless he can very quickly come up with a better idea.

People are very keen to keep things the way it helps them until you really dig your heels in unfortunately.

Cassandraprobs · 07/07/2021 11:12

I'm 'one who copes' too so feel your pain but I'm learning the hard way that people are quick to take advantage of that rather than respect it so I'm (slowly) turning into 'one who copes when others pull their weight or throws a polite shit-fit if they don't' Grin

eyeslikebutterflies · 07/07/2021 11:45

Thanks @cassandraprobs I think you're right. It just feels like more bloody work and effort though when all I want to do is lie in a darkened room for a bit. But yes, I have to push back.

OP posts:
Livingtothefull · 07/07/2021 13:33

@Cassandraprobs

I'm 'one who copes' too so feel your pain but I'm learning the hard way that people are quick to take advantage of that rather than respect it so I'm (slowly) turning into 'one who copes when others pull their weight or throws a polite shit-fit if they don't' Grin
I agree 100% with this. I have an ongoing issue myself with my DC and in my experience also people see me as a 'coper' and just take for granted/take advantage of that. I am trying to get into the habit of asking outright for support and not trying to pretend I am doing fine when I really am not.

You are not 'pathetic' at all nor are you 'overreacting'; a long term diagnosis for your DS and the consequences of that is a huge thing to go through. I think that you are doing amazingly well with everything that is on your plate.

But everyone has their limits so please do seek out all the support that's available to you.

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