To be fed up of DH failing to sort something for his tea?

[RubyGoat]

Background: DD has school lunches. I have multiple food intolerances & am currently on a really strict elimination diet to figure out exactly what I'm actually intolerant to. It really doesn't leave much that I can actually eat. I'm probably going to be on it for about a year, it's frankly bloody miserable. Family meal planning is entirely impossible. I mostly eat rice, quinoa or plain potato, with a very limited selection of vegetables. Meat & fish are not restricted. I've tried to suggest meals we can eat together. I received a flat no. (I'm not asking for meal suggestions BTW. Believe me I've got to the end of that road.)

DH has always, as long as I've known him (well over a decade) been fussy about food. Won't discuss it, doesn't like to plan it, doesn't like anyone else cooking for him, is difficult if we go out for a meal somewhere & they don't have his first choice of food (he basically refuses to eat anything & just sits & quietly sips a pint or a coke, he's not sullen or anything). Doesn't like anyone commenting on his food "ooh that looks nice, what is it". Won't let me plate anything up for him if I do a roast or similar on a weekend.

But he will cook for others - me & DD - he always insists on plating ours up, bringing it in (I'm disabled so it's not entirely unreasonable) & then he starts faffing about with his. By the time he brings his in, DD & I have eaten some of ours, & if the meal includes chips, for example, his are either cold or overcooked & he complains about it.

But the thing that really annoys me - the thing that I might actually divorce him over - lighthearted but also not - is his unwillingness to ever decide in advance what he wants for his tea. If I ask him to think about it I'm trying to control him. If I don't mention it I'm unreasonable because I haven't given him time to think about it. We have a kitchen full of food, we go to the supermarket a couple of times a week, & today, once again, we came home without anything for him to eat because he didn't say anything. I'd assumed he'd decided what he was having. Sometimes we trail round the supermarket for half an hour, having got all the things on the list, & he can't decide what he wants for tea. Again. He eventually says "we'll have something in".

He's currently eating pie & soup. In a bowl. Together.

I love him really... if it wasn't clear, he's definitely not neurotypical. No formal diagnosis though. I don't know if this is normal behaviour for adults with ASD /ADHD. And he finds it very difficult to deal with. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions or experience?

Planning, choosing and cooking meals is very challenging if you have issues with executive function, which are common with ASD/ADHD. My DC with ADHD really struggles with it (my DC with ASD copes fine actually but has to follow a recipe, no improvising).
I think my oldest may end up on meal replacement shakes, he is prepared to skip meals rather than have to deal with coking and mealtimes sometimes.

There's all sorts of things with ASD / ADHD that might be in play.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is very common particularly with ADHD, where a reasonable or neutral request is interpreted as criticism. If he is sensitive about knowing he's a bit odd round food, being asked what he's going to have for tea may well feel like "why haven't you thought about this yet you blithering idiot" hence the overreaction.

PDA is a profile within ASD where requests or suggestions are interpreted as anxiety-provoking demands.

Lots of adults with ASD / ADHD struggle with textures in food for sensory reasons (although if he's eating pie and soup in a bowl together I think you can rule that out!) Poor interoception can mean not feeling hungry hence being indifferent. Poor executive function can mean struggling to work out the steps of planning, buying and cooking something. And lots of adults with ASD / ADHD struggle with decision making, due to too much choice and / or decision fatigue.

Does any of that help? It could be all or none of these!

Sounds like he really doesn't enjoy eating. If you meal planned for the week for yourself and dd, would he be happy to cook it then sort himself out.

What I find works for my (undiagnosed but strong possibility of PDA) dp who struggles with this sort of thing is giving him closed choices. If I ask him what he wants he can’t decide but by asking him would you like x for dinner or y? - both being options he likes, he finds it easier to think about and less like I am taking control as the choice is still his.

A lot of that makes sense. Poor executive function, yes - he is shockingly bad at making decisions. If I ask him for help with something specific he'll go to the ends of the earth for me in the quest to do it, but if he needs to make an important decision by & for himself & he's likely to freeze & just switch off mentally.

He does frequently go without eating all day, in fact most days he doesn't eat until teatime. I suspect part of the issue is he's too hungry but because it's become such a habit, he's used to it. I'm not sure it's poor interoception - he's mentioned before that he does get hungry but it's easier not to eat until evening. I've suggested low carbing to him, as it may suit him better - if he's going long periods without any food he's constantly approaching ketosis & TBH he's an absolute sugar demon. He's currently eating a mega bag of Japanese peanut crackers, another night it might be a family bag of crisps or some licorice, or biscuits. He did low carb before & was much more even, emotionally. And liked eating lots of MEAT! He's planning to go back to low carb next week.

If I meal planned for the week - no, he wouldn't do it. He'd say he felt like I was trying to control him. I've asked him for his suggestions about what kind of meals he'd like on a meal plan, he doesn't like to have any kind of plan. Basically we now just have a list of "acceptable" meals, he looks at it & he'll maybe choose one. But if I'm sick in bed (pretty often) he often doesn't organise anything for himself. Hotdogs or whatever convenient meaty prepared meal the supermarket has on offer is usually what he ends up with. Unfortunately our nearest supermarket is M&S food, so it's not cheap. He refuses to pay their full price. His intake of processed meat is horrifying. If M&S don't have anything cheap, sometimes he'll go to the proper supermarket, sometimes not (he's also got impaired mobility). And we don't have a car, can't afford one. I can't drive, medically, & TBH a car would sink us financially.

@KarmaViolet has a good point about PDA, I have long suspected my oldest had PDA traits, he definitely views meals as a demand, even if i cook them, just telling him his tea is ready is viewed as a demand to eat! He also would graze on rubbish if left to his own devices. He's withdrawn to his room over lockdown and become avoidant of the rest of us, is not eating enough (ADHD meds don't help) and is getting awful thin. He's an adult by the way, in case anyone thinks I'm neglecting a child.
I am thinking of buying some protein shakes or complete meal shakes but the good ones are not cheap.