To ask for help with my DD

[Teaandbicciesplease]

Dd is 6 and is morphing into a tiny Kevin the teenager. Until now she was extremely shy and timid but overnight everything is "but whyyyyy?" "it's not fair" "but I want it etc." She will constantly ask for things like sweets, toys, or days out and strops when she doesn't immediately get it. Complains constantly (I'm hot, cold, hungry, etc) and NEVER stops talking.

I know all of this standard kid stuff, so why am I struggling with it so much? I know I'm projecting as I had a horrific childhood so it almost makes me angry that she doesn't appreciate that she has a safe, warm home full of toys and nice things. She has started answering back too, and I'm struggling not to snap or react angrily

I know the problem is me and I need coping skills. I did brilliantly up until now and got through the difficult baby and toddler stages by myself. Now that she's old enough to challenge me I'm failing her. I'm terrified of turning her into a anxious people pleaser like myself.

Any tips, book recommendations or organisations I can turn to would be gratefully recieved. Ex dp is not in the picture and no family to rely on unfortunately.

Ah my worst age group. Yup, it will continue until about 11.

I found spending time with groups of other parents with children that age really opened my eyes to how amazing mine were and made me appreciate their positive points. Try to remember that as a parent you want your kids to grow to be independent and capable and this is the period that will determine much of that.

Remember you are doing your best and you are the most important person in her life.

Count to 10 lots.

Walk away for a few minutes to calm down (although mine would stalk me)

No help, but solidarity. I have one of those too. I think just constantly correcting behaviour that’s rude in a kind way is best. I found explaining why the behaviour is rude, and how she could say it in a nicer way works some of the time. If it escalates then it’s warnings followed by time out.

I recently did the incredibly years programme online and found it helpful. Its main focus is preschoolers but have found techniques really useful myself. You can buy the book cheaply second hand or audiobook on audible

www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Dd was like this until about age 8. I tried ignoring, I wouldn’t give in to shut her up etc, I tried reasoning about all the lovely things she had, blah blah blah. Nothing seemed to help.
Then one day I just snapped. She had been whinging on all sodding day and I told her to just shut up. That if she carried on like that she would be seen as rude and greedy and ungrateful, and is that how she wanted to be seen? To be known as the whinger, selfish, grabby? Because that is exactly how she was coming across right now and it was disgusting behaviour, and I was so disappointed in her. If she couldn’t speak nicely she wasn’t to bother, I didn’t want to hear it. It might have just been timing or something might have got through finally, but she really just stopped overnight. It was the link with how she might be seen by others that finally joined up in her head.
She’s now 11 and not at all whinging or grabby.
I dunno. That might help though.

I highly recommend this book "The book you wish your parents had read" by Philippa Perry
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GRBB9WQ/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Not sure if the link will work!

I feel you.

When I say it's unkind etc I get "good, I WANT to be unkind"

Thank you for the replies, I'm checking out all the links.

Good to know it's not just me! It's such a huge responsibility knowing you're shaping a tiny person's entire personality. Trying to walk that fine line between discipline and creating a safe environment for big emotions.

Some great suggestions! I could have written your post... I find that my DD's sense of entitlement brings up massive feelings about my own childhood and I find it outrageous that she can moan when she has food, love, etc!!! What I find helps is reminding myself that I wanted her to have the opposite experience and that I therefore expect her to have that sense of entitlement because thankfully she doesn't know any different and she expects to be treated amazingly! That helps me to think of it that way.
Disclaimer: of course, I could be inadvertently raising a huge spoiled brat by doing this, so I will be following this thread for ideas

My dd is 12 now, but I always say 6 was by far the worst year. She became sassy, a know it all, a bragger and generally irritating overnight. And she would argue white was black just on principle.

I was always quite firm with her and like a pp leant heavily on thinking about how she was coming across to others and trying to out herself in others' shoes, and by the following year she'd started to grow out of it.

Now, she's actually quite fab. She's kind, considerate, polite, friendly and she does still have her moments of back chat or unreasonableness, but she'll always come and apologise of her own accord.

Of course we haven't started the teenage years yet, so it could all go south again, but just to give you reassurance that there is light at the end if the tunnel and that 6 is a difficult age! I think they suddenly decide they're "grown up" now but still haven't learnt enough social skills to make that work.