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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask school to change DS class?

45 replies

Ginpancakes · 06/07/2021 14:45

School have announced that they are mixing up the different classes within the year group for September. My DS is very quiet, can be shy and doesn't have many friends (generally his choice and he seems happy with that); the small group of friends he does have are all moving into the same class together and DS is being put into a different class. The only other child he knows in the new class is someone we have previously had issues with (a known trouble maker).

Im worried that he'll be isolated from his friend group and will find it difficult to make new friends in his new class. I'd like to speak to school to put him in the class with his friends but hubby thinks i'm being unreasonable and that he will make new ones. AIBU?

AIBU - Yes, he'll be fine in his new class
YANBU - Ask school to move him

OP posts:

kindaclassy · 06/07/2021 18:11

Its a life lesson. Adjusting to change and separation. Seeking new friends and building more friendships. Resilience.

kids already had to live through a pandemic and at least 2 lockdowns. While it's nowhere near as comparable as being in a country at war, obviously, they've had enough 'life lesson" and "resilience" for this year, haven't they...

Some kids are a bit "unhappy", others will be completely crushed to be excluded from their friendship groups and the only one left out.

What's the point of that.

YerAWizardHarry · 06/07/2021 18:13

They won’t change it. Sets a precedence and if they allow it for one they’ve to allow it for all

endofjune · 06/07/2021 18:21

@YerAWizardHarry

They won’t change it. Sets a precedence and if they allow it for one they’ve to allow it for all

It depends actually. Sometimes they won’t. Other times if you make a fuss they will.

xyzandabc · 06/07/2021 18:25

You're saying he only knows one person in the class and how you wouldn't like to be with 29 strangers, implying that he will be with 29 strangers.

Is this a new school to him? I'm just struggling to see how he wouldn't know the other kids in his year group even if they'd not been in his class before. Most primary schools I've ever seen will do some things together as a year group and they get to play with children in the other class at break/lunch time, so even if they'd not been in your class, you'd still know all of the children in your year group. Is he literally the only child being moved, so he's never been in a class with any of the other 29 before.

I'd have a small word with the teacher, to try and see why he's been split up from all of his friends. But not expect a swap to be possible or make a big deal of it. Once you've spoken to the teacher, assuming change isn't possible, then spend the next few weeks and summer giving your son reasons to look forward to his new class. New friends, new teacher, new classroom, all the lovely things they will get to do now they are in year X ..........

Sleepthief · 06/07/2021 18:52

Definitely talk to the school about it. Yes, they might have good reasons for separating them, but equally it could be an oversight...

ZednotZee · 06/07/2021 19:12

Some kids are a bit "unhappy", others will be completely crushed to be excluded from their friendship groups and the only one left out.

In a few years they will all be off to different high schools anyway, I really don't see the issue.
This is surely just extra preparedness for that upcoming transition?

When my son was moved he still met up with friends from his other class in the playground and during activities.
I think its a tad dramatic to presume exclusion from a friendship circle.
We all parent differently, that is a given but I personally don't feel that I should intervene at every perceived future issue my children may face.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/07/2021 19:34

I’m still unsure if I can bring myself to park across their drive

Dread to say anything in case it's been said and I haven't read every single post, but is there any way to do the above but not in an antagonistic way. Like, could you offer for the Volvo to park on your drive while you go out to kayaking? Present them with a friendly solution rather than a fight or the cops or stalemate? Again, sorry if it's been said but this thread is loooong and I'm making kids' tea... Sounds like a bit of a nightmare though and even if legally you're in the right, I can see that kayaking van lady might seem more of a pita than friend visiting friend, so just hope there's some amicable resolution to be had.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/07/2021 19:34

God wrong thread, ignore!

MissMissTorrance · 06/07/2021 19:42

He will make new friends and it will likely improve his confidence taking him out of his comfort zone. However, if it was my 8yo ds I just know I'd be on the phone to the teacher asking him to moved

NakedAttraction · 06/07/2021 19:44

How about asking the school if him being the only one separated from his friendship group is due to anything that you should be concerned about. E.g. could he have had a falling out with them that you don’t know about? Is he actually on the edge of that Dr out and actually a bit left out and this is to encourage him to seek new friends?

I would want to know their reasoning before requesting a change. We had similar with DC1. I was concerned it was because they had struggled to make friends in their current class but was told nothing to worry about, they just tend to play with kids from other classes at break time so have been put with them instead.

sunflowerdaisies · 06/07/2021 19:44

I'd ask school too. My daughter was separated from her two best friend last year, but bizarrely other friendship groups were kept together so it was hard for her to integrate into the new one. They're back together for next year.

Lancrelady80 · 06/07/2021 19:49

I think the issue is actually that the ONLY person he knows is someone there have been problems with. Being in same class as someone you have had problems with in the past is one thing when you have a friend there to counteract it is one thing, but a whole different ball game on your own. (Of course, this depends on if the problems in the past were general as in "I heard so and so swear" or specific "the kicked me" and even more so if repeated/bullying. )

It seems harsh to isolate your child from any friends in that situation, and I would imagine the class list has been sorted by someone who doesn't know the individuals and their history as well as the teacher who hasn't been there.

It's worth asking about, anyway.

ChrissyPlummer · 06/07/2021 19:51

I find it completely bizarre that schools do this. I was in the same class from Reception to Y6 and always the same form group a5 high school. Surely that’s easier?

Todaytomorrowyesterday · 06/07/2021 19:56

It’s difficult as I’ve been in your shoes! My daughter did initially go in quiet as she went into year 4 2018 but was able to still catch up with friends break time etc. Now in year 6 covid bubbles ruined that & they weren’t able to be as close - that was hard as my daughter really struggled as the group continued to bond and she was the only one left out :(
Breakfast & afterschool club was difficult as again sat on different tables! BUT we’ve made to the end of year 6 she now has plenty of friends and it’s built her resilience up.
Though they’ve now mixed the year 6 bubbles this week and she was so happy being able to be back with her friendship group - she’s a lot happier this week!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/07/2021 19:58

The exact same thing happened to me at age 8. My mother was a teacher and she didn't feel like she could intercede for me. I only remained friends with one person in my friendship group and never made new ones until age 13, when a new girl moved in. I was basically alone, even though we mixed in clubs. I still regret losing all my friends.

LittleOwl153 · 06/07/2021 20:03

I'd make the teacher or even the head aware. If nothing else they will need to support him in making new friendships.
The moving around works OK for the majority of kids - but there are some for whom this is a bad idea. Often kids who are already struggling with ASD or other issues. Sadly its another way in which these kids are let down by the system.

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/07/2021 20:30

It’s tricky, my DS was separated from his best friend last year, which he found very hard but made new friends in his new class. This year he’s been separated from both friends and is in a class with a boy who bullied him all through the last weeks of the school year. I am being that parent this year - he’s had to draw on resilience all year and now effectively has to start all over again.

Most primary schools I've ever seen will do some things together as a year group and they get to play with children in the other class at break/lunch time,
This definitely hasn’t happened this year due to Covid, class groups haven’t been mixing at all so he didn’t see the friend he was separated from at all really during the school day.

kindaclassy · 06/07/2021 20:53

In a few years they will all be off to different high schools anyway, I really don't see the issue.
This is surely just extra preparedness for that upcoming transition?

completely different to go to different schools than being excluded from a friendship group.

how can you not see that.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 06/07/2021 20:59

I would question it. This happened to me when I was at school although I was a bit older so spoke to the teacher about it myself.

Turns out she moved me into the group where I had no friends and there was some more 'challenging' students because I was quiet and amenable and she knew I would just get on with my work and be an easy pupil. Well I'm so glad I stuck up for myself and asked to be moved because I was completely miserable and purely moved away from my friends to make my teachers life easier.

Givemeabreakkiddos · 06/07/2021 22:51

Generally mixing children up is helpful and breaks up some nasty gangs/ cliques IME builds resilience and makes for improved class harmony, better attention to the teacher!

It doesn’t tend to work so well with the sensitive under-confident kids. Usually to their detriment. Transitioning to the new year group takes much longer and results may suffer.

It will engender bad feeling if one kid is left out... ! Especially if that kid is the one with SN. Fgs. This is poor ...

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