My BF and I have been friends for 20 years. We were always very close and she is Godmother to DD. We both struggled with fertility for almost a decade which made us bond even more, but since we both had DC (my DD is 18m, her DS is 6m) something changed.
BF, though very smart, didn't manage to get the job she wanted out of uni and ended up changing jobs in her 20s which ranged from shitty to shittier (her own words). She finally landed a stable job in public sector and seemed to settle. When she was late 20s she seemed desperate to have a child. That was all she could talk about. She was single at the time. When she was 32 she met her now-DH. They seem like a good match and my DH and I love spending time with them as couples.
They wanted to have a family initially but struggled to conceive (much like we did and for similar reasons). In 2018 we both decided to stop trying and live our lives. She quit her job to assist her DH in his. I changed jobs. However, in April 2019 I got pregnant unexpectedly and had DD in December that year. She was very supportive throughout even if I was a bit concerned that it may be hurting her. But she kept saying she was over it and doesn't want to have a child anymore.
Her DH seemed to still want to have a child but she seemed set against it. In April 2020 she got pregnant equally unexpectedly (fertility issues were on our side not our partners'). For the first weeks (months!) I was constantly on the phone with her because she couldn't decide whether to keep the pregnancy and said she felt she couldn't say that to anyone other than me. My response was always to give her a shoulder to cry on, listen, and tell her that whatever she decides I will be there for her. She decided to keep the baby, but made it very clear to everyone that she was doing it for her DH who very much wanted that baby.
Throughout her pregnancy she seemed matter of fact about it, not excited at all, but was also very very responsible and took all the measures to deliver the baby safely, especially given Covid. She had her DS in December and had a horror of a delivery.
Since then, she's been a SAHM and I can see she's very unhappy. Her parents are very involved (they babysit 2x per week and on request so she gets time alone or alone with her DH). While she still seems matter of fact and doesn't show much affection towards the baby, her DH went into opposite direction and became a proper helicopter parent. They just came back from vacation and all she said was 'It was awful - I spent time either alone or with the two of them. Got no chance to be alone with DH, as he wouldn't be without DS' (another couple of friends with a small child was with them and offered to swap-sit DCs). She said on multiple occasions she'd rather do DHs job and have him be SAHP. The problem is that she can't find a job (not for the lack of trying) and he doesn't seem willing to have her help with his job as he feels she should be with their child.
Our relationship became somewhat strained. Our current situations and emotional responses are completely opposite and I am not sure how to deal with it and be a better friend to her. I went back to FT work when DD was 4m and my DH stayed at home and then started working PT. I feel guilty about that as I wish I could spend more time with DD. I feel like I have no right to say anything when she speaks because I'd either come across as hypocrite or she'd be hurt. So I just listen and focus on her feelings and how could things get better for her. The issue is - I can't fully connect with how she feels and am terrified I'd come across as judgy. But I also am worried about the effect that her detachment from her son will have on him which, I guess, DOES make me a hypocrite?
WWYD? How do I be a better friend?