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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Damages

68 replies

Chocaholic4672 · 05/07/2021 14:59

Last week my 16 year old son, had a few friends over watching the football. I was held up in work and DH stuck in traffic and we were late home.
Things clearly got a bit lairy and they had drunk a few beers and broken some panes of glass on a neighbouring greenhouse.
I apologised and said that the damage would be paid for. My son didn’t do any damage it was his friends but nevertheless I said him and his friends had to work out who was paying what once we knew how much.
The bill comes to approx £50 but the letter says that along with paying for the replacement panes they want compensation paying to a charity and have asked for a donation of £120 and want a receipt as proof of donation.
The boys are 16 and so clearly they won’t be paying it’ll be the parents. I don’t have an issue paying for the damage but compensation as well? AIBU.

OP posts:

Toomanyradishes · 05/07/2021 16:27

Well if your son tidied up the glass then thats fair, I actually think you should consider getting the boys to offer to help out instead of the compensation, its of more use and it might get any of them who dont have an opportunity to garden interested even if its not something they take up for a few years

It depends if any of the allotmenteers are willing to suprevise as you cant just expect untrained teenagers to be gardening experts (or untrained adults for that matter)

Why not give them a call and ask if the boys can at least come round and apologise face to face and then see if there is anything they can help with? That might open that up as a conversation to practical help instead of a donation

Iwantafuckingbreak · 05/07/2021 16:32

How did it happen? Did they go round there and smash it up with a bat or did they kick a ball over accidentally? Just trying to work out why they are instantly being called nasty thugs 🙄 I'm sure if it was a group of girls they wouldn't be.

TourdeTarte · 05/07/2021 16:32

I'd tell them it's nothing to do with you, and give them the contact details of the lads that did it/their parents.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2021 20:08

@Iwantafuckingbreak

No they'd be called nasty little madams and other vile names. Or even bitches I've seen on here.

I can't stand name calling of children. It's completely misguided and says a lot more about the name caller than the child.

Losttheequipment · 05/07/2021 20:13

“Children” is stretching it a bit for 16 yr-olds drinking beer though

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2021 20:28

@Losttheequipment

“Children” is stretching it a bit for 16 yr-olds drinking beer though

I don't think so. 16 yo boys drinking beer need significantly more parenting than not!

I know MN veers wildly between letting 16 yo children roam free and surveilling them completely! They still need parents guiding them. Calling them thugs is horrible.

nocoolnamesleft · 05/07/2021 20:32

Okay, if you prefer we could call them drunken perpetrators of criminal damage?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2021 20:39

I'd rather you called them kids who did something bloody stupid that they need to fix and never do again.

I've based vast swathes of my parenting on the concept that you deal with the behaviour. Since DD was tiny every mistake she made was followed by me saying "how can we fix this?". Spill a drink, wipe it up. Hurt someone's feeling, say sorry and make amends. Break something, replace it. This works better than calling her variously clumsy, unkind or thoughtless.

Immediate, natural consequences that target the behaviour not the child. It works I promise. Call them thugs and they hear that. Call them good kids who did a really awful thing, they hear that.

nocoolnamesleft · 05/07/2021 20:43

If it worked that well they wouldn't be committing criminal damage.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2021 20:49

Maybe OP didn't do it my way.

And children aren't perfect. Many do stupid, sometimes nasty things and grow into great adults who don't. I certainly did some thick as mince stuff and I'm a functional person now.

We're growing adults not controlling children.

Iwantafuckingbreak · 05/07/2021 21:14

Is it criminal damage though? the OP hasn't said HOW it happened. Did they do it purposely or was it an accident? If my kids kicked a ball over the fence and smashed next doors greenhouse, of course I'd clean it up and replace if but I wouldn't call it criminal damage. Fair enough if they went over there and smashed it on purpose but OP hasn't said if that's the case here. I don't think it's fair to be calling them nasty thugs without the details.

Darbs76 · 05/07/2021 21:22

I definitely wouldn’t be paying a charity amount. Pretty rude of them to request that, feels like they are punishing your son and his friends on your behalf. No.

GnomeDePlume · 05/07/2021 21:31

No way would I want my allotment 'tended' by a bunch of careless/thoughtless 16 year olds!

KingdomScrolls · 05/07/2021 21:32

If they were 16 year olds on a sinkhole estate who'd broken a window, or wouldn't be called high spirits and mum apologising with the police letting it go. It would likely be a vertical record. How many boys were there? Divide the damages by that and double it, each boy needs to pay from their own pocket money etc and offer to help at the allotment of they are willing to have them. They should also be apologising themselves. They really don't recognise their privilege.

KingdomScrolls · 05/07/2021 21:33

@GnomeDePlume community service groups do ok, they just need supervision, group of lads can do some of the heavy less skillful work

MurielSpriggs · 05/07/2021 21:42

Doesn't sound likely to be criminal damage to me - if they think it is let them try involving the police. And if there was damage done to plants or anything else that should be quantified and added to the bill (I'm assuming there wasn't, otherwise it would have been added).

They can't just make up arbitrary amounts to go to arbitrary charities. (Well they can, but they can be told to arbitrarily get lost.)

DearTeddyRobinson · 05/07/2021 21:49

£50, or charity donations or whatever, is the least of your worries. Your 16 year old and his mates are getting pissed in your house to the extent they are damaging your neighbour's property, in the time it takes for you/your DH to negotiate a traffic jam.
Fucking hell.
I wouldn't want my kids to be friends with yours.

NumberTheory · 05/07/2021 21:49

Were the windows broken deliberately or were they having a laugh (likely doing something stupid) and broke them accidentally?

People are throwing around the words “criminal damage” rather easily with no indication that it was actually a crime at all. If the police declined to take it further, it’s likely it didn’t meet the threshold for criminal behaviour.

I can still see why it would annoy the allotment people. Non-criminal behaviour that causes other people expense is rarely compensated to the extent it makes up for the damage caused. £50 might pay for the class but is unlikely to cover the cost of everyone’s time dealing with it all. But they have no authority to demand a contribution to charity.

If you think the lads could do with a bit more of a reminder to behave responsibly, you could back up the allotment. I understand why you think helping on the allotment would be a better form of “justice”, but I can also see why the allotment folks might not want a bunch of 16 year olds who can’t behave and have caused damage helping out. So the charitable contribution (especially if related to gardening or a youth alcohol program) is a reasonable thing for them to request. I don’t see why the cost needs to fall on the parents. They surely have some access to money at 16, especially if they have managed to buy beers.

AngelDelightUk · 05/07/2021 21:57

The fact it was some panes broken, and at an allotment, proves that a crop would’ve been affected as well.

I think they are getting off lightly tbh

Original poster

Chocaholic4672 · 05/07/2021 23:31

Thank you everyone for your opinions.
Been a difficult one as my son didn't do any damage, ie he didn't throw anything. He was upset too at what happened. However I accept that it happened on my property and I have to live here and so want to resolve the issue. I won't be paying anything as the boys who did the damage will be paying.

I am not going to respond to the opinions regarding my parenting skills or lack of. Being a parent is tough and I don't always get it right.

OP posts:

Bagamoyo1 · 05/07/2021 23:41

It’s more than just the replacement glass though isn’t it. It’s the hassle, sorting out a repair, finding someone to do it, being there while it’s done etc. I’d be bloody livid and I think £170 is a bargain.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2021 23:50

I am not going to respond to the opinions regarding my parenting skills or lack of. Being a parent is tough and I don't always get it right.

Who does? I'm of the opinion that any parenting style causes issues and solves them. You pays your money and takes your choice!

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 00:09

@SlipperyDippery

They’re being absolutely ridiculous and please tell them to fuck off

Yes 🎉

Anordinarymum · 06/07/2021 00:17

Actions have consequences and your son went round and cleaned the mess up and you have to pay for the damage.

That's enough.
After that it's up to you and nobody else to decide as a parent if he needs punishing further. You know your son better than anyone.

FaceyRomford · 06/07/2021 00:21

@Dixiechickonhols

I don’t think it’s odd. To be honest they have got off very lightly. It’s criminal damage. You seem to be playing it down. A criminal conviction or caution now could cause problems for future careers. They should pay from savings or work to pay. They are 16.

Two young teen boys damaged our fence deliberately - kicking panels off. It really upset me I’d been at hospital and came home to that. I reported it to pcso and it’s a small village and they’d been spotted so police found out their names. I didn’t want them charging but police made them attend police station with parent for a stern talking to and write me a letter each apologising and pay for repair (think it was £40 each) Word also got out among local kids and fence (which adjoins park) wasn’t vandalised again.

I've been involved in a case like this that did end up in Court on a charge of criminal damage. When the judge heard the defendants were prepared to pay in full for the damage (it was a shop window), he dismissed the case. Tell them you will pay in full to restore their property to the way it was, your son will offer an apology but that's it.

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