Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

MIL and SIL advice

22 replies

tryingtostaypositiveeveryday · 05/07/2021 06:35

Hi, I just really want some advice with how to handle my MIL and 2 SILs. They have always been very gossipy and bitch about EVERYONE but we went out the other day and there were so many comments aimed specifically at my parenting. I have a four year old girl and a 6 month old baby boy. A back history is that my MIL has suffered with mental health problems and my DH has always been there emotionally and financially for her. (This has caused us financial issues when my DH got into debt bailing her out) my MIL does the classic ‘give my daughter loads of chocolate biscuits / crisps / ice cream’ every time we see her - about once every two weeks. We have asked her not to and she has taken it on board to a certain extent (still crisps and Capri suns but better than she was!) when we met the other day for a big family get together one of my DH sisters completely ignored me but straight away takes my baby boy off me and starts taking photos of him. She also told her little boy very loudly in front of everyone that he ‘wasn’t allowed and Icecream from Grangran because my little boy isn’t allowed one’
I was feeding my baby boy some puréed sweet potato and peas and my MIL announced in front of everyone ‘what is this slop that mummy has made you? It looks like the inside of a nappy’ It really makes me not want to be around them. My other SIL refuses to see them now as they were so unkind to her. There have been lots of other things over the years. I just want some advice with how to deal with them as it is starting to bother me and we are going away with them over Christmas which I am dreading. Thnx in advance.

OP posts:

biggirlknickers · 05/07/2021 06:39

What does your DH say about how they treat you?

I’d be asking him to speak with them.

Notajogger · 05/07/2021 06:39

What does DH say when they do/say things?

Youseethethingis · 05/07/2021 06:43

DH should be first line of defence. Is he ok with this low level bullying and undermining? I'd be telling him he needs to call them off or next time I'd have something to say back myself.
Honestly, this needs nipped before your kids are old enough to start to manipulte and take advantage. No good can come of accepting that this is just "how they are", and it's especially damaging for your children.

DinosaurDiana · 05/07/2021 06:43

Don’t deal with them, just don’t see them. It’s what I did.

PixieKitten · 05/07/2021 06:49

Reduce contact straightaway

Ambo21 · 05/07/2021 06:54

Start by cancelling the 'family' Christmas. Its supposed to be a time of joy and celebration!
You are not obliged to like the relatives of your spouse, you are not obliged to spend time with them. If they do not know how to behave then they are not worthy of your company. If your husband hasn't addressed this situation by now then you must ... before the toxic atmosphere harms you and your kids.
Unleash the Mother Tiger.. if you cant do it for you....do it for your kids!

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/07/2021 07:19

Don't see them ever again. There is no benefit for your children in a relationship with people who treat you like this.
Your husband should be supporting you on this. What's his response?

PersonaNonGarter · 05/07/2021 07:24

What did your DH say? Does he expect his family to treat you like this?

Chachachawoo · 05/07/2021 07:30

The food comments should be met with: actually this is healthy and good for us and will make us grow strong.
Or
We try not to make nasty comments about other people/other people's food because it's just not kind.
Say it as though it is directed at your child but loud enough that all can hear it.

And like other pps have said. Tell your husband to deal with them or you will reduce contact to a bare minimum

Neuts346 · 05/07/2021 07:32

You need to address these comments at the time or as soon as possible afterwards. Warn your DH from now on this is what you’ll be doing, so he’s prepared for the inevitable conflict.
Quite simply it’s bullying and don’t stand for it.

Pottedpalm · 05/07/2021 07:48

How can SIL just take your baby off you? Just turn away! Don’t allow her to push you around. Your MIL sounds rather immature in her attitude to food; just ignore!

Original poster

tryingtostaypositiveeveryday · 05/07/2021 08:00

Thank you so much for your responses. I have been up fretting about it, hence the early morning post! DH is very supportive and is now starting to see how they make sly comments where as before he was pretty oblivious. We talk about it but I think he thinks it would become an even bigger issue if we raised it with them. I just don't know what I have done wrong to upset them. I have been nothing but kind to them but I think they feel like I have stolen their son away from them.

OP posts:

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 05/07/2021 08:18

Well the first step has been taken, he has acknowledged to you that there is a problem.

This won't be enough because his life is easier if it remains unaddressed. You need to make it so that him continuing to refuse to address it is the harder option for him.

I'd start by refusing to see them or to take the kids to see them. He will then need to answer when they ask why.

If you allow people to bully you in front of your children, they will grow up thinking that bullying is normal and that mum is not to be respected.

Fuck that noise.

MouseInCatsClaws · 05/07/2021 08:25

You haven't done anything wrong. They are horrible people.
I just wouldn't spend time with them, simple as that. And I wouldn't be spending Christmas with them.
Your husband can facilitate them seeing your son, once he agrees to stop them feeding your son shite all day.
Wash your hands of them and feel the weight go off your shoulders

BusyLizzie61 · 05/07/2021 09:10

@tryingtostaypositiveeveryday
So. You're ott about your daughter having had treats fortnightly and then the family follow these rules, including with the baby and they're in the wrong then too? Sound alike damned if the do or don't,tbh.

I think that you're also beingbf oversensitive about the puree comments. Baby's puree doesn't often look appetising to many. And think that many people say similar things in jest. I wonder if one of your siblings had said slop, if you'd be so offended? I know one of my siblings certainly said this when me baby was weaning. It was an absolute non issue, beyond my saying it definitely tasted better than it looked!

Most people do talk about other people. That's human nature and there's a fine line between gossip, discussion and recalling situations. You too obviously talk about them to your oh, so that indeed could be viewed as gossip/bitching. So not a lot of difference.

Attend. Don't be so ott re treats and let your daughter enjoy being spoilt once a fortnight.

If there are comments made, try having banter back. You probably need to regain some ground as atm it sounds as though you come across as believing you're better than them with all of your demands and finnikerty ways!

Horehound · 05/07/2021 09:12

Fuck going away with them for Christmas.

Get tough op!

Original poster

tryingtostaypositiveeveryday · 05/07/2021 09:51

@BusyLizzie61

Yes, I see what you mean, I probably am a little OTT but have still come away from it feeling like I have been treated like crap (this sort of thing has been going on for years and I have just put up with it). But I appreciate your comments. I think I need to find a way to make it work so that I don't come away feeling my rubbish. My husband agrees that they are unkind and have crossed the line so I am keeping in check that I'm not overreacting.

OP posts:

BusyLizzie61 · 05/07/2021 11:37

[quote tryingtostaypositiveeveryday]@BusyLizzie61

I do believe in life that we often play/take roles, iykwim and if you're opting to take the victim role this is how you'll feel, whereas if you jutt back, via banter or perhaps give some out too, without being a cow, you may see things differently. I hope.

imscaredpleasehelp · 05/07/2021 16:08

[quote BusyLizzie61]@tryingtostaypositiveeveryday
So. You're ott about your daughter having had treats fortnightly and then the family follow these rules, including with the baby and they're in the wrong then too? Sound alike damned if the do or don't,tbh.

Attend. Don't be so ott re treats and let your daughter enjoy being spoilt once a fortnight.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 05/07/2021 16:10

Don't see them anymore.
I stopped seeing my in-laws years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 05/07/2021 16:12

Also cancel the Xmas trip.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/07/2021 16:33

My advice would be to only see them when your DH is around, if you want to see them at all.
Make yourself unavailable at other times. Join groups and activities and just be unavailable. If they ask, say that you've got an appointment and don't be so forthcoming with what that is.
They don't sound like nice people to be around and I'd be cutting right back on how much involvement they would have in the life of any of my children if I was in your position.

Agree with your DH what your family rules are and stick to them! Don't change your rules for them. Agree your boundaries and what is and more importantly what is NOT acceptable (from anyone) and stick to that. You don't have to compile a huge list but just the key things that you feel will provide good guidance and guidelines for your children as they grow up.

Flip