Would you tell now?

[boobydilemma]

I am a long time mumsnet member but have name changed for this. I am interested in opinions on the following scenario as I am in a terrible dilemma about what I should do for the best. I have 6 adult children and 3 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. At the time our 3 youngest children were at University - 2 of them were about to graduate as doctors. The cancer was a rare one and had already spread to the axillary lymph nodes . To cut a long story short this particular cancer [mucinous] apparently didn't respond well to chemo so I was advised that surgery and more extensive radiotherapy than normal would hopefully sort it out. I made the decision not to tell our children as I just couldn't face dropping a bomb like that into our family at the time although of course there is never a good time to deliver such news. The back story to that was that DH had had cancer 7 years previously and I really struggled to deal with DH at the same time as propping up all the children who were absolutely devastated let alone sorting my own feelings, needs etc. Thankfully, against all odds DH survived and the AC are still very protective of him and very watchful of his lifestyle/diet etc. to this day. I just knew that DH wouldn't be able to cope with it all let alone offer the AC's the necessary emotional support and I really wasn't in the right frame of mind either so it just seemed easier to keep it all a secret and for DH and I to just deal with it on our own. I attended one DD's graduation 2 days after surgery with 2 drains tucked in my knickers! So, I went through all the treatment without them knowing or suspecting a thing. Unfortunately it wasn't all plain sailing as the radiotherapy I had was extended up to my neck and destroyed my thyroid gland so I was quite unwell for some time afterwards until the problem was identified and I was prescribed levothyroxine for that. I then had a torn rotator cuff in the shoulder on the same side and needed surgery for that. The latest development is that I have now been diagnosed with lymphedema in the arm of the removed lymph glands and I think it is only a matter of time before one of the kids notices the swelling as there is quite a noticeable difference in the size of my two arms and hands. I'd just like to say at this point that the cancer wasn't one of the genetic types so it wasn't imperative for the girls to know from that point of view. Thank you if you've read this far. I'd be really interested to know how you would feel in this scenario if you were one of my adult DC's? I'm just so worried about hurting them but feel that I might need to tell them the truth now.

You poor thing, you've been through so much.

I think you know you need to tell them.

@MagnoliaXYZ thank you for that insight. I have 2 docs and a nurse out of the 6 of them. Yes, I can imagine they will be the ones who would question themselves but then again they work all over the country and because of Covid and their respective roles we've seen very little of them particularly over the last 18 months. I think I've got a lot of thinking to do.

I’m so sorry you’re ill, and I hope things are brighter for you soon.

If I were your adult child, I would be devastated not to know. My mother is very secretive about medical things and one of my greatest fears is that she will get very ill and not tell me. I think you absolutely do need to tell your children as soon as possible.

Hopefully they will be relieved that you are cancer free now which should help them get over the upset of not being told.

Oh my goodness, what an amazingly strong person you are. You have obviously raised wonderfully caring DC and looked after your DH so well. It's time to let them support you too.

I wouldn't be "devastated" if my DM did something like this, I'd be bloody astounded and I'd understand that she was trying to protect us.

It is time to tell your children.

I think you are, and have been, heroic and am sorry about your illness.

I'm sorry you have gone through this.

Before you tell them, think through what you will do in different scenarios. If they are angry, hurt, want to cut you off, say they can never trust you. If some of them are understanding but others are emotional and angry and that causes a rift between them.

I wouldn't tell them in person. I would send a message to give them all time to process stuff and I would tell them up front that you know they might feel angry with you and need time.

Good luck

They might also feel they drove you to hide your conditions because they needed so much 'propping up' as you described it during your DH illness. So guilt could be a strong feeling for them and that could come out in anger too.

Hi OP

Sorry to hear about everything you've been through.

Im living with stage 4 breast cancer (liver mets) my son is much younger than your DC, and I had to tell him pretty much from the beginning due to chemo side effects etc. and I agree with others that it's important to tell your DC now.

I was at an event last year for younger women with secondary breast cancer, and attended a session on how to talk to teenage children about cancer. The session was run by a councillor that works with bereaved teens, and it really stuck with me when she talked about the importance of honesty. Apparently the teens who had lost parents to cancer would often say that they wished the parent had been more upfront with them about the reality of the situation, and allowed them to know and process the facts, rather than trying to protect their feelings.

Just food for thought, really glad to hear that you've responded well to treatment now, wishing you all the best

💐💐 so sorry to hear all uou have been through, you are extremely brave, time now to let your children know and support you. Best wishes.

My god OP, you are SO strong!! I was so relieved to see that you’re now cancer free as well

you’re incredible and if you were my mum I’d want to know so I could give you the biggest hug in the entire world and never let go!

I attended one DD's graduation 2 days after surgery with 2 drains tucked in my knickers!

You're a champ! Tell them; the docs and nurse at least should be used to the whole range of emotion and personal ideas and wishes of how patients interact with their loved ones when talking about their illnesses.

You are a bloody superhero! (But to be fair, I think you probably need to allow yourself to be nurtured just a leetle bit now, perhaps!) Tell them! They’re old enough and smart enough to understand, and you have the right to drive your own recovery. Also, they need to know their family medical history. Genetics are very important to people in the health industry. They will be cross, but also super proud of you. You will be one of those legendary patients they’ve met or even treated. They probably know your character well enough to not be surprised that you’re that kind of stoic person.

Going against the grain, but I wouldn't tell them.

You're through the cancer and in recovery.

You did what was best for you at the time, but it will be hard for the DC to accept. They may worry you won't tell them if I'll in the future and that would be a hard decision - promise you'll never keep anything from them again, but be left knowing you might not be able to put yourself first if you need to or have them forever worrying what might be going on with you

If I was one of your children I wouldn’t be angry.

I would feel heartbroken that you had gone through something like that so ‘alone’ but I wouldn’t be angry.

You are very quick to take things on your own shoulders. As you say, the family fixer, but now ‘facing the consequences of what you have done’ as if in the scale of difficult things to face up to your children are once again needing your support rather than the other way round.

When your DH had cancer you were supporting the children. It is just as much your DH’s role in all this that he was spared that job when YOU were going through cancer. It is ‘WE didn’t tell you at the time…’. Your DH was spared that big propping up role and seeing his children upset that you had dealt with when he was ill.

They are adults now. They should be able to appreciate what love and strength you showed to not want them to be disrupted and distracted during crucial studies, and to understand how traumatic it could have been for you to see them so upset again just as you were at your most vulnerable.

The point is that everyone’s role needs to shift a bit now. You are stepping sideways and making a bit more room on the Family Fixer bench for others to step up to.

Good luck OP. It sounds as if you have raised a fantastic family. Get this off your shoulders and enjoy your future with your grown ups alongside you.

Thank you all of you - you're all so kind and lovely. Your insights have really helped me to sort out how I am going to handle this and I do think that I'm going to have to tell them now whether I like it or not. I've got an appointment next week to see the lymphedema specialist as the fluid is in my chest as well as my arm and I've already been told that I will have to wear a sleeve as well as some kind of pressure garment for the chest area. Of course the medics amongst them will know straight away when they see this. I think it will be at least a month before I get them all together as due to work it's a rare occasion - there's usually at least one missing from our family get togethers! That gives me some time to think carefully how to do it and what I'm going to say.

My mum was ill, she told us but not how bad it was. It was a bad shock when I found out how bad.
Now I'm paranoid that she downplays everything. I feel you should be honest now and in the future.
I don't need to be protected from reality, it's actually worse than hearing the truth.
I'm glad you are doing well and wish you good health.

You sound fantastic OP.
We had to tell adult children when my DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer. We started by telling them their grandfather, as they knew, was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his fifties and was still alive at the time at age 87.
Then we said DH has the same thing in his fifties and is being checked every 3 months at the hospital.
Maybe you should lead with saying you're cancer free and say you didn't tell them before as you knew there was a very good chance of effective treatment - and needed for your own peace of mind to deal with it yourself before telling them.

@Notimeforaname

I'm so sorry you've been having such a difficult time op Yes..please tell your children. I would be devastated if my mother kept this from me and I couldn't help support her.

Not everyone wants 'support' from others, even family, they prefer their privacy and that should be respected, it's about what's best for the ill person. I have had a few occasions where I've been worried about something, a lump, but not told anyone.

You mean well, and I am sure they'll understand that. It won't stop them feeling guilty as hell they were not there for you though. It's not a bad thing, it will mean you raised them well and they care!

Just be prepared for their shock, it's scary and painful to know a love one has gone through all that.

Not everyone wants 'support' from others, even family, they prefer their privacy and that should be respected

of course, absolutely.

Just be aware that when you are told afterwards, you can spend your life worrying about what you are not being told, and if something is going on that you don't know about.

I'm not sure how I would start the conversation but if some have medical knowledge, I would ask them about any advice they might have regarding lymphedema. That might open the conversation about the condition and you might be able to go from there.