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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get really annoyed by this?

19 replies

JulyWhy · 04/07/2021 19:34

Have one joint DC with DH and he has two children from previous relationship. All fine, relationship really good with them, love their sibling and generally things are good.

But one thing that is really bugging me is DHs reaction to doing anything remotely fun/positive/nice when his children aren't here.

Last night's example was 'shall we grab some treats and popcorn and have a film night'...? Cue lots of 'doesnt feel right without X and Y' and so on.

It's the same with days out. We try to plan bigger things around all the kids but I want to go and do something if the weather is good or if we just feel like it some time without being made to feel guilty about it or have a downer put on it.

Our DC is still young enough to not really notice but as time goes on I don't want our DC feeling like Daddy never wants to do fun things with them.

AIBU to say enough now and we can enjoy time without DSC here and to fell him to pack it in. I understand he may privately have these thoughts of preferring all his DC there but to voice them in front of our DC feels unfair.

And I know it's early but God I'm dreading Christmas already for the same bloody reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
JulyWhy · 04/07/2021 19:38

For clarity, he never actually stops is doing anything or refuses to come. It just seems like a downer is always put on it as if we need to feel bad about it.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/07/2021 19:40

Yes that doesn't seem fair at all. Of course you should be able to do fun things together.
This is part of his life and when his other children are with their mother he shouldn't be stopping the child he is with from having nice days out.

Yes I imagine he must feel very guilty but this is his issue to sort and child should not miss out because of it.

Do DSC not have days out with their mother also?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/07/2021 19:41

Remind him his dc have lives without him - unless he thinks they sit at their dm's sobbing for him.
. Your dc deserves a full life and a 24/7 df. Personally I would be going ahead with plans for you and your dc. Then it's him missing out..

Notimeforaname · 04/07/2021 19:42

Ah just saw your update. Yes he really should keep it to himself. Not nice for your dc to pick up on.

MadeOfStarStuff · 04/07/2021 19:47

YANBU

Big days out/holidays etc should ideally include all the kids, but you can’t put your lives on hold while his kids are at their mums. Presumably they do fun stuff with their mum as well, so they’re not missing out if you, DH and shared DC do stuff together without them.

Bridezillamaybe · 04/07/2021 19:49

Yadnbu. Tell him straight he needs to change his attitude.

LawnFever · 04/07/2021 19:50

You’re not wrong at all, you can’t spend you’re lives putting everything on hold until the DSC are there too, you need to also still do things as a family.

It doesn’t stop you doing things all together and I think he’s being a bit melodramatic to not want to make popcorn & watch a film until they’re there.

Sparklesocks · 04/07/2021 19:51

YANBU. Kids are perceptive and when your DC gets older they might recognise that daddy only wants to do fun things when their siblings are around.

AlmostSummer21 · 04/07/2021 19:56

I could understand him not wanting to go to Universal Studios without his other 2, but a film & popcorn FFS

He needs to be told firmly,his older two have a life with their mum as well and if he doesn't act like a full time parent to your child together, he'll find himself being an EOW Dad to your child too!

It's a film at home FFS

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2021 19:56

How disappointing. He doesn’t think the child you have together, which he presumably wanted, is a person in their own right who deserves fun and spontaneity. Does he realise how his comments come across?

I have a toddler and two older step children with a big age gap (much bigger than we wanted) and we do things as a 5 and as a 3 because it’s not our DD’s fault that this is how her family is organised. She deserves the opportunities her siblings had at the same age and she’s going to get them.

Tell him to knock it off.

Chloemol · 04/07/2021 20:14

Just point out to him that they will be doing nice things with their mother, and that his child shouldn’t be penalised because he only wants to do things with all three

If he puts a downer on it tell him to stop, or go without him

Original poster
JulyWhy · 04/07/2021 20:14

Thanks! I was fairly sure I wasn't being unreasonable! I'll tell him to wind it in.

OP posts:
3Britnee · 04/07/2021 20:17

Yanbu. If he's that bothered he should have made it work with their mother. I wouldn't put up with this nonsense.

Shoxfordian · 04/07/2021 20:23

Yanbu at all

He can do nice stuff when they’re there but it doesn’t mean you can’t do things with yours separately

3Britnee · 04/07/2021 20:35

Yeah, is yours old enough for Disneyland Paris?

Original poster
JulyWhy · 04/07/2021 20:39

@3Britnee

Yeah, is yours old enough for Disneyland Paris?
Haha we won't be going to Disneyland Paris! (I'm not that OP.. promise Grin)
OP posts:
iklboo · 04/07/2021 20:41

'DH, I'm going for a shit. Shall we invite X & Y?'

TurquoiseDragon · 04/07/2021 21:15

@MadeOfStarStuff

YANBU

Big days out/holidays etc should ideally include all the kids, but you can’t put your lives on hold while his kids are at their mums. Presumably they do fun stuff with their mum as well, so they’re not missing out if you, DH and shared DC do stuff together without them.

I agree. Is he expecting his youngest child to not ddo anything when her older half siblings aren't there?

I'm sure his older children will be doing nice things with their mum, things that his youngest child isn't included in. So there's nothing wrong with arranging things to do with your DC when they aren't there. Especially if things work out right for some spontenaity.

He needs to wind his neck in.

3Britnee · 04/07/2021 23:40
Grin
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