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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I being unreasonable stopping my ex seeing my son until we have been to court?

21 replies

Sj85 · 04/07/2021 18:05

I’ve been asking my ex to go to mediation as we have constant problems with contact, although he does see my son there’s always lies involved, reasons he can’t collect him, reasons he can’t drop him off. He once said he wouldn’t drop my son because his daughter would cry if he left and my son would just have to miss school? I couldn’t collect him as I was working so my 18 year old had to collect him on my behalf. We were contacted 30mins before he was due to be dropped off.

Our relationship had domestic violence involved and he lied pathologically. He still does. It’s really started to batter my mental health and I can’t cope with it all. I try to keep the communication to visitation only but it doesn’t work. When we inevitably collect my son there’s always son lie said, statement made etc. I asked my Ex MIL if we could mediate with her there and my current partner since he won’t see a professional mediator. Her response was vile and I’m just lost at what to do. I’ve decided court would be better because someone else would be making the decisions and we’d both be held accountable.

I’ve decided until it’s done my son can’t have contact with his father, seems harsh I know but I just can’t Cope with it anymore. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel terrible, I always feel like a villain. I’d really hoped we could have an arrangement in place so we wouldn’t have to have contact. I had asked for him to pick him up from School Friday and drop him Monday morning so we didn’t have to have contact but he’s refused that too.

What do I do?

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 04/07/2021 18:14

I was expecting to say of course you shouldn't do that, but if he's going to refuse to drop your DS back at last moment, and expect him to miss school, that's just shit. So yes I think maybe you are right. Why wouldn't he drop your son? Was it just to piss you off, or was he maybe drunk?

FrippEnos · 04/07/2021 18:26

You may not be being unreasonable but there is a good chance that the court will not see it that way.

If he is as bad as you say he is, he could well use this against you.

WiddlinDiddlin · 04/07/2021 18:30

I think that could be used against you..

Say he CAN have contact...

However he has to pick up, you'll collect.

That means if he doesn't pick up... minimal bother (I mean yes, its a bother but its his fault).

You collect so there's no last minute changes to drop off arrangements.

Thats a reasonable set up, which he almost certainly won't stick to, demonstrating you've been reasonable and he's a shit.

PigletJohn · 04/07/2021 18:30

how old is the son, and does the son want to see his father?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/07/2021 18:34

Your post is all about you and while your needs come into it, visitation is for your son, the important question to be asked here is what does your son want?

Sj85 · 04/07/2021 18:34

He just wants us to do all the running around I think. He said he couldn’t leave his daughter because she gets distressed but her mother was there. I don’t really understand. I just did what I needed to do to ensure he didn’t miss school.

He currently owes £8000 in maintenance, works cash in hand and claims Universal credit and is just not a great guy however I’ve always encouraged a relationship and untill recently just ignored the lies in order to facilitate the relationship. It’s just making me ill now though and I’m finding it all challenging, I don’t want the contact with him or his family, they won’t use a mediator so I don’t know what else is left for us to do. I don’t know how the courts will view it really however I’d happily do what they say providing it meant minimal contact. Anything would be better than this.

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 04/07/2021 18:37

Who wants to go to court to settle this matter?

Sj85 · 04/07/2021 18:39

My son is 10 and does want to see his father. However I don’t think that it’s good for him, his father doesn’t stick to arrangements, changes things very last minute this has been going on for a 9 years. He has substance abuse issue and tells my son he has mental health issues, tells me to shut the fuck up in front of him and other derogatory terms. Tells me lies in front of him and is generally not a good role model so whilst my son wants to see his dad I don’t believe it’s good for him. He said a few times he wants to block his dad and not have contact but would miss his sister.

OP posts:
Sj85 · 04/07/2021 18:39

I want to go to court.

I don’t nothing else has worked.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 04/07/2021 18:44

I know the child's relationship with both parents is of primary importance but it's not at ALL costs. The father in this instance sounds like a nasty piece of work who wants everything his own way. Exactly how much shit and dicking about is the op expected to cope with 'for the child'? Op I think the suggestion upthread about he collects (or not) from you, and you pick him up is a good one. It minimises the need for interaction and if he doesn't show up, your son is safe with you but was available. It's on him. If you obstruct contact, sadly many judges will simply not look beyond that one fact.

Littlebluebird123 · 04/07/2021 18:46

Whilst I can see how frustrating it is and potentially damaging for your son, you need to do what you can to facilitate contact. It will be used against you if you don't. Either in court or by the ex saying to your son it's your fault he can't see him.

Pp suggestion of you both only doing collecting sounds like the best solution. Son will be at home waiting for dad so safe and if dad doesn't turn up then you're still there for him. And you collecting means he will be able to return home/not miss school etc.

missymayhemsmum · 04/07/2021 18:52

So what makes you think that a) he wont lie to the court, b) a court order will stop him being a lying fuckwit?
Also if he is on UC and you are working, he could get legal aid and you won't, so you could face having a solicitor present his lies to the court.
The substance abuse and history of violence are good reasons to stop contact, though. Do you have a good relationship with his current/next ex partner? Keeping your son's relationship with his sister is important.

Sj85 · 04/07/2021 19:10

I’ve said I’ll meet with his sister and her mother. I’ve kept most of our communications to WhatsApp so I do have a lot of supporting evidence of his excuses, inconsistencies and lies.
History he has a criminal history and history of DV. I think he could get legal aid if he is on universal credit but I don’t even know if that’s the truth so I’m willing to take the chance. Nothing will stop him from lying but at least it’ll no longer be down to me to make decisions and it’ll be enforceable. I just want to be able to look my son in the eyes and tell him I’ve done everything I can 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know what the other options are really at this point?

OP posts:
Sj85 · 04/07/2021 19:12

I agree. I think if the court is gonna base it’s decision solely on me preventing contact without looking at the reasons behind it I feel that that’s the only recourse we can really follow.

I wish he’d just lose interest and bugger off 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
PanamaPattie · 04/07/2021 19:15

Wasting money going to court won't turn him into father of the year. As pp, he will probably lie to the court, not pay any child support and it will cost you time and money - and he will continue to let your son down. Cut the ties now. If he really wants to see your son, he will take you to court but you know that probably won't happen - as that takes effort.

RedMarauder · 04/07/2021 19:17

It will be used against you.

So follow WiddlinDiddlin advice e.g. he picks up and you (or your 18 year old) collects. Then every single time he doesn't turn up send him an email saying it is a shame he hasn't turned up and your DS is expecting to see him on X, [which is the next date].

Dithercats · 04/07/2021 19:20

Court may or may not help because your DS wants to see his dad.
Pp suggestion of he collects, you collects is good.
Or he collects from school, you collect from him - I do that one....
Try to negotiate if you can, doing 1 pick up each works in your favour....
(Court took months, neither of us got what we wanted :(...it's not always the easy answer)

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 04/07/2021 19:26

I think it's better to continue contact and build up some records of his behaviour. A diary and keep any texts or emails he sends or any you already have. Any evidence to show he is lying. The main thing is anything that would affect your ds like changing or missing contact, not looking after him properly, anything like saying he should miss school without a good reason.

FiveEasyCreases · 04/07/2021 19:35

The reasons you give for wanting to withhold access are not legally valid. A father has equal parenting rights, even if he is a crappy father or partner to you (or ex). Court is best, and his lack of effort in trying to find a more peaceful resolution will blow up in his face. Don't be sucked into thinking the child is yours and a bit his. It's an equal legal mix.

Sj85 · 04/07/2021 21:49

Thank you all for your help.

It’s such a rubbish situation and I constantly feel for my poor boy.

Thank you for taking the time to respond x

OP posts:
Alice888882 · 08/12/2023 00:54

Hello, not sure if you'll even see this but sounds very similar to my situation. Have you got an update please on how court went? Very similar to my situation x

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