Silly argument with DM

[Gratitudediary]

Had 5 missed calls from parents today and was a bit worried. Both in good health etc but don’t call that often, normally it’s me calling them. Returned the call and immediately asked why the high number of calls and was everything ok. Was possibly s bit blunt but DM famously takes offence at everything and is unable to apologise (case in point, yesterday she accidentally left an answer phone message on my phone talking to my DF about something I had done and how silly she thought it was, I asked her about it and said it had hurt my feelings... she can’t say sorry just changed the subject).

Anyway I asked her this and her response was very cold, eg oh sorry I’ll make sure I only call in emergencies next time etc etc. I find her SO DIFFICULT sometimes and while lucky to have her I do envy and mourn a bit for close warm parental relationship, which I just feel I’ve never had.

I’ve come off the phone now just feeling really bad. I don’t know what I could have done differently.

It definitely sounds like it's her issue, not yours! My mum is similar, often an issue becomes all about her & how it has affected her, when in actual fact she's just on the periphery.
I'd worry seeing so many missed calls & would have reacted in the same way as you. As for possibly being blunt, you were worried about them, it's too be expected.

It’s not you, it’s her. 5 calls within a short time with no explanation is not normal.
She doesn’t sound very nice. Not much you can do except try to let it wash over you as much as you can. “Glad to hear everything’s OK, bye mum!” And then put it out of your mind. Which I know is hard, but life is too short to be spending emotional energy on people who do this.

You didn't do anything wrong.
If a relative left a recording on my voicemail and I could clearly hear them berating something I did or said I would be looking for an apology. If they changed the subject I'd change it back. If they just didn't apologise, I'd have to say "Are you going to apologise for leaving that message or what?" Clear the air.
Also, if there wasn't a medical emergency, I'd be making it clear to them that if they did it again and it turns out that next time was an emergency, you wouldn't be as quick to respond (you probably would in real life but they might give pause to doing it again).

Have you done anything wrong? If the genuine answer is, "No" then let yourself off the hook.

Well, her attitude has worked because it's designed to make you feel bad...

It's her issue, not yours. Ask yourself why she speaks to you this way. I'd only call when it suits you and if she starts up just said "right got to go, bye". And end the call every single time if she starts up.

Oh my god, my mum is the same!! Her favourite phrases are 'oh just blame me' and 'my fault again' its just so much hard work. My DBro and SIL are struggling with both my parents, but find it easier to drop contact with them, but then my orders grab on tighter to DH and I.

No advice I'm afraid, but just solidarity!

She sounds hard work. What age? Mine is very full on. I keep my visit short!!

Same here “oh I’ll just say nothing to anyone from now on then, forget it! is a favourite phrase if I dare to challenge anything upsetting”. Just means I don’t even bother telling her stuff now as it’s not worth the opinionated response.
No real advice just that you are not alone. 5 calls at once for no real reason is ridiculous though. The voicemail message I would have to get closure on whatever it was they were talking about too. Yanbu!!

OP I could have written your post. Following this thread because I need advice on how to deal with it. It's exhausting. She's exhausting. Sorry that you're dealing with this too.

She sounds quite similar to my mum, particularly with the inability to admit she’s wrong or apologise for anything. Funnily enough I had a huge row with mine today as well. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything you can do other than manage the relationship very carefully. Treat her as you would a difficult customer and don’t allow yourself to take her nonsense seriously or personally. I also find it’s important to only make contact when you’re in the right frame of mind to do this- not when you’re tired or pissed off or sensitive for any reason.
But it’s not you, it’s her. Don’t be manipulated into playing the games.

Boood that’s really good advice on the frame of mind. I realise I have deliberately started to prepare myself mentally and actually it makes it much easier to deal with and breathe through it. Really good post. Sorry for the incorrect positioning of my speech marks on earlier post too

My mum can be like this, and I find it helpful when I call to agree the date for my next call. This seems to work, and also helps me to then be in the right headspace for the next hour long download on how the neighbours/people at church/world are out to get her.

You didn't do anything wrong. If I received 5 missed calls from someone one after the other, I would also think there was some kind of emergency. In fact, 3 continues missed calls would make me step out of a meeting as I would be worried.

Oh and what @Boood says about trying not to take all the paranoid martyrdom too personally. I try (mostly succeed!) to feel sorry for my DM, that her head must be such an unpleasant place to be - at least I only have to hear about it a couple of times a week.