AIBU to think people know when they're kissing up and kicking down?

[StillCalmX]

Not a TAAT but it got me thinking (some people are horrible) a woman in a group gave me the silent treatment for over a year because I corrected her when she misrepresented me and I know she would not have dared to have done that to anybody else in the group who she always seems to ''love bomb'' in quite an OTT way I feel.

So, poll now

Are these kiss up kick down merchants completely unaware that they have two different personalities on the go; lovely for ''high status'' people and dismissive of ''lower status people'' ? YANBU
or, are they unaware that they're switching between two personalities - YABU

@Ozanj I totally agree about the parenting groups!

I was a member on an ivillage mums due/mums club board when I was pregnant with my youngest and there was a total kiss up and kick down Queen Bee on there who was only interested in having people suck up to her and fawn over her opinions. She offered no support or replies to anyone, it was all about her.

A few friends from the group met her in person and said she was the exact same. Her eyes would glaze over if anyone else talked about themselves.

Ps, and to be clear, I do feel better for it. It's helped a lot. I think that when I've worked my way through all this self-compassion, then I will no longer be tasty catnip for the kick down merchants.

@NutterflyEffect that makes sense

I do feel better for it. It's helped a lot. I think that when I've worked my way through all this self-compassion, then I will no longer be tasty catnip for the kick down merchants.
I think therapy is the way if you are regularly on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.
Not to blame the victim, but I do think sometimes you will attract yourself to these kind of people to re-affirm a poor self image. People will treat you how you let them.

I don't think it's about reaffirming a poor self image, but it sure does end up reaffirming a poor self image when you are exposed to this behaviour repeatedly throughout life! I think it is one's earlier vulnerabilities (from abusive upbringings, or a parent who operates in similar manner, or having been in an abusive relationship) which this type can smell like blood in the water - the same way a pedophile will target a more vulnerable child.

I think that people who kick down and kiss up do know they are doing it but think everyone else is too stupid to notice - because they consider themselves brighter than everyone else.

I have a work colleague like this. He is love-bomber when he wants something and nauseatingly obsequeous. Those of us who know him know he does this and yet most people, even those who know what he's like, still get swept away by it.

I took on extra work to help him on a project (he's not my boss) but as soon as I said that actually I couldn't continue to help, within seconds he removed me from WhatsApp groups and working groups which I didnt mind but it demonstrated that literally the minute I wasnt helpful he deleted me.

I've also just resigned from another role (I really was doing far too much of what should have been a shared workload). He's immediately excluded me from meetings despite me still being in role for a few more weeks but I'm not useful any more.

His kissing up will get him the desired outcome of a specific public facing role. I think he should remember the adage about being kind to everyone on the way up as you'll meet the same people on the way down. They'll be lots of people willing to give him kicking if he messes up.

@StillCalmX I'm glad you are getting the help you need. Best of luck with it

Thank you for the recommendations, I'll check them out .

@unwuthering

I don't think it's about reaffirming a poor self image, but it sure does end up reaffirming a poor self image when you are exposed to this behaviour repeatedly throughout life! I think it is one's earlier vulnerabilities (from abusive upbringings, or a parent who operates in similar manner, or having been in an abusive relationship) which this type can smell like blood in the water - the same way a pedophile will target a more vulnerable child.

I think it is probably a bit of both, but I believe if you have a low opinion of yourself you unconsciously seek out people that will reaffirm it for you. In the same way that an abusive person 'can smell weakness' . They're both probably have a level of understanding of what's happening, but neither will be truly aware of why they are acting the way they do.

@unwuthering

I don't think it's about reaffirming a poor self image, but it sure does end up reaffirming a poor self image when you are exposed to this behaviour repeatedly throughout life! I think it is one's earlier vulnerabilities (from abusive upbringings, or a parent who operates in similar manner, or having been in an abusive relationship) which this type can smell like blood in the water - the same way a pedophile will target a more vulnerable child.

Yes, and it's not an easy fix! I'm in therapy but it's not like suddenly after a year, I'm transformed. More resilient, better able to control / hide my emotions, less anxious about being excluded or condescended to.

It's all a slow process, but I am being kind to myself as therapist seems to be focused on right now. I think if I understand her (the therapist) you have to be kind to yourself first and accept yourself first before you can control your emotions better.