To hate when some mums say

[justwingin2021]

When they say oh count your self luck (insert nonsense)
I was on a mums Facebook group and a lady who newly split up with her partner asked other single parents how there child maintenance etc was set up.
Along came a lot of helpful set ups but before long came oh count your self lucky you get that I get nothing from my ex or, I get £8 a month etx etc.
It doesn't usually bother me so much, but I commented what my set up was and I got oh ain't you lucky you get that I don't even get birthday cards for my kids. While I get that isn't fair but I should count my blessing because the person I chose to pro create with is actually providing for his child.
It's not always about maintenance either it's about everything. Your child sleeps there's doesn't IYSWIM.

I know this is over reacting but it really irritates me.

YANBU. It’s not luck, you just didn’t pick a shit person to have a baby with 🤷‍♀️

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

"I chose to have my children with a semi decent human being, it wasn't luck"

This is rife on here and its unforgiveable. People who this are just being sadists: they are getting a kick out of the fact that they think they won the man lottery and looking down on other women who are less fortunate. When people post this sort of thing I find myself fervently hoping their husbands run off with their secretaries.

Tbf I find the whole “well I just didn’t pick a shit guy” comments MUCH worse. 😐

@thepeopleversuswork. Yes, it's the suggestion that they are so much better at man picking than other people who have been shit on. Ie only the feckless or morally inferior find ourselves married/or parenting with someone who turns into an arsehole. Very few people get married to people or have child or children with someone thinking, "You're an arsehole, it'll be fine".

Jusr think of it as one of those silly things that people say.

Yanbu, like everything its a race to the bottom. Once you notice it you will see it everywhere.

Unhappy about work...count yourself lucky to have a job

Go on strike...should be grateful to have a job

Long waiting list for healthcare...lucky to have NHS

Struggle with parenting....lucky to have kids

Aging parents...lucky they are still with you

@AutistGoth

I never understood this competitive suffering. Surely "Who has the worst life?" is a competition that no one wants to win?

It actually is.

There is a book called the subtle art of not giving a fuck and one of the chapters talks about the fear of being average and how people feel the need to be anything but that. So in svery short it's kind of like winners or losers. If they can't be a winner, they will make sure to be the winner victim.

There genuinely are some people who have that big need of being special they will attention seek and seek validation of their victim status like in the examples above.

@PumpkinKlNG

Tbf I find the whole “well I just didn’t pick a shit guy” comments MUCH worse. 😐

Yeah, they’re awful. If someone said that to me as the RP I’d be upset. Like I would have had children with H if I’d have known that things would turn out this way. It’s funny that the blame always gets passed to the woman for “choosing the wrong man” but never to the man for not stepping up or parenting appropriately.

It isn't even as if they are bragging they won the man lottery, ie, that it was chance. "I chose a man suggests that some of us are crap at choosing.

[quote SpongeBobJudgeyPants]@thepeopleversuswork. Yes, it's the suggestion that they are so much better at man picking than other people who have been shit on. Ie only the feckless or morally inferior find ourselves married/or parenting with someone who turns into an arsehole. Very few people get married to people or have child or children with someone thinking, "You're an arsehole, it'll be fine". [/quote]
Exactly. It's wrong on so many levels:

a) it assumes that arseholes have "arsehole" tattooed on their forehead and its just a case of avoiding them
b) its appallingly smug
c) there's a horrible sort of sexism about it as if your primary job as a woman is basically to pick a wealthy man who won't stray. Never mind all the other things that a woman might want to achieve in their lives, your primary job is to pick a rich, lobotomised man whom you can treat as a cash cow and boss about.

Agree it's a race to the bottom and not just maintenance. I've been thinking of posting my own thread to whinge about all the whingers but realized how ironic that was.

I think Covid made it so much worse, although maybe not the maintenance problem specifically but just "I have it worst mentality generally"

Everyone is more tired/more skint/more in need of a holiday/missing relatives more than anyone else.

I'm avoiding a friend right now because all I get is whined at. It's like the sound of a fly dying on a window sill. I wouldn't even mind but if I ever try to get a whine in of my own I get met with a load of reasons why she has it worse - but if you just look at the basic facts that just cannot be the case.

Just to add to my post. Not only when they can't be winners, but also when they can't pretend to be one.

I agree about the child maintenance comments. Like when someone says they are not getting enough from an ex and a poster calls them greedy because said poster gets nothing. So ridiculous.

Yes, it's always the womans fault. Misogny by women. So disappointing. Expect it off the men, but the women. Really sad. If you don't get 'sisterhood' from the women, be sure not to expect it anywhere else

Just answer ‘yes I am lucky’ and move on.

Someone on MN had the username notSoSmugMarriedNow. I expect that she too learned, like me, that marriages that you assumed were safe were not necessarily so.
@thepeopleversuswork as I said upthread, unless they come with a psychiatric evaluation I'm not sure how you identify arseholes who hide the ishoos until after marriage/children. IME they often present as very charming, funny and charismatic men. Until they don't.

@SchrodingersImmigrant. That's really interesting, and explains a lot.

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

"I chose to have my children with a semi decent human being, it wasn't luck"

This is really quite smug. Lots of men don't always show their true colours until after children are born or until the relationship is over.

Yes there's an element of good judgement in choosing a partner obviously but also luck

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

"I chose to have my children with a semi decent human being, it wasn't luck"

Have a think about what you are saying there. If YOUR fortune wasn't luck, you are suggesting it was there was some skill on your part.

By implication, you're suggesting others have brought it on themselves through a lack of skill.

Utterly embarassing, ill-considered and blissfully ignorant.

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants

Someone on MN had the username notSoSmugMarriedNow. I expect that she too learned, like me, that marriages that you assumed were safe were not necessarily so. *@thepeopleversuswork* as I said upthread, unless they come with a psychiatric evaluation I'm not sure how you identify arseholes who hide the ishoos until after marriage/children. IME they often present as very charming, funny and charismatic men. Until they don't.

Of course.

There was a thread recently about what someone called the "Not my Nigel" syndrome. A certain type of woman who's married a certain type of very boring, predictable man (usually an accountant) who is a Good Provider and is basically under the thumb. And the controlling wife who thinks he's immune to cheating.

And of course, there's no such thing to immunity to cheating.

And a Nigel the accountant who does cheat is likely to be better at hiding his money than a feckless Fred. So indeed, not so Smug Married now.

[quote SpongeBobJudgeyPants]@SchrodingersImmigrant. That's really interesting, and explains a lot.[/quote]
Honestly, I was shocked to realise to how many people i've met these things applied to.
Great book

@VerticalHorizon they are saying it's moral superiority or better judgement in their case, that some of us unfortunately haven't been blessed with. Also see the threads where all the women come out and say marriage is for life, if you get married again it doesn't count properly. How being married to a knob fits into this plan I'm not sure, other than you must suffer, and never marry again, because on some level It's All the Fault of the Woman. And if only you'd kept him happy by remaining slim, sexy, and cooking food he likes, and tolerating the fact that he was abusive, and couldn't keep his willy in his pants, constantly, you wouldn't be in this position

Marriages fail for so many varied reasons - sometimes not the fault of either partner, but the stresses and strains of external and random events can take their toll. Nobody can predict the future, or the effect certain events will have.

That's entirely aside from those unlucky enough to be with positively vindictive, violent, abusive or controlling partners.

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

"I chose to have my children with a semi decent human being, it wasn't luck"

That’s an appalling thing to say

Let’s hope you don’t eat your words some day

@PumpkinKlNG

Tbf I find the whole “well I just didn’t pick a shit guy” comments MUCH worse. 😐

I do too. Not all pregnancies are planned. Not all women feel able to terminate. Is this what Bridget Jones meant by 'smug marrieds'?