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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I let her change schools?

35 replies

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 08:14

I've name changed for this as I want to give all the details and really want opinions on whether we're doing the right thing.
Dd is 10, always has been very sensitive, quite a softy and rather emotional. She had particularly bad separation anxiety when younger and cried every day going into play school. The crying at drop off continued on and off through primary school.
We are in Ireland, so in the last year schools have been locked down for 2 very significant amounts of time. Through both lockdowns, she had almost no contact with class mates and she has really really struggled to settle back in. She says she didn't miss anyone, so she knows none of her classmates missed her.
She was struggling a bit anyway before, but now she basically has no friends. It's not bullying, it's just she doesn't click with any of her classmates.. The teacher asked them in June to choose a friend to sit with and no one chose her. She just sort of accepted this as her lot, but I think it's so grim, to accept this as her inevitable place in the class.
She does have one friend in the other class (same year group) and I approached the school about the possibility of moving rooms. They said no way, but would make sure "something" would be done to ensure she's happier next September. But I have no confidence in the school tbh. What can they do? They can't force the kids to be her friends? I guess they can help her with her self esteem and tell her having friends is not everything....
She is involved with out of school clubs and has girls she interacts with there, but no strong friendship developed yet.
I want to start her in a new school (relatively straight forward here) so she has a fresh start with new faces in September. Dh says no, stick it out. I simply don't know what to do.
I would really appreciate perspective from anyone who has had similar experience. I know changing is a big risk, but I really can't see things getting better for her where she is.
Sorry for the essay, thanks for reading!

OP posts:

Hellocatshome · 04/07/2021 08:18

Does she want to change school? At that age in those circumstances I would leave it up to her. With her personality she may be happier in a school where she knows people even if they aren't her friends than a brand new school where she doesnt know anyone at all.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 04/07/2021 08:23

Are there underlying reasons why she's found it hard to make friends? (Shyness, undiagnosed asd, introversion). If so those reasons will follow her to her new school, she'll also have to contend with being new. It could be the change of environmental is helpful, especially if. It's something she wants too, but just don't count on it being a magic bullet.

Original poster

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 08:23

Yes she wants to change. My gut feeling is to change. But I just have this hesitancy around building resilience and not giving up. But, she's only 10! If I was in a miserable work place where I had no one to talk to after 6 years I'd probably quit and take my chances elsewhere.

OP posts:

Original poster

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 08:28

She's shy and introverted for sure. But she has come out of herself quite a bit in outside activities. I'm definitely aware it wouldn't be a magic bullet and in fact it could be worse. I actually had this conversation with her and told her, if we do this there's no plan C. This will be it. How would you feel then? She still wants to change but I'm not sure she fully understands what I was getting at.
When I started the thread I was thinking definitely change, now I'm thinking definitely stay. My brain is fried 😕

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Clawdy · 04/07/2021 08:29

Difficult decision, as it would mean a change now, and then another in a couple of years for secondary school. I would probably hang on, unless things get worse.

fruitypancake · 04/07/2021 08:33

Is she is miserable then I say go for it. If she is generally ok then stick it out and hope for a positive change. Will she move to secondary soon? We moved our DS and he was a million times happier

Silkiecats · 04/07/2021 08:33

So has she got 2 more years before she changes normally?

What it maybe worth doing is trying your school again to say she's really unhappy and wants to change school and see if they will do more. It may also be worth looking at other schools as well but if she struggles socially it may take her 6 months to settle and no guarantees it will be better. You tend to get a feel when you go round and if she could go round that would be ideal and may make decision clearer though not sure if an option with covid.

Original poster

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 08:36

I really appreciate all the replies. I need an unemotional uninvolved perspective. Dh and I are obviously so concerned with making the right decision. I'm normally very cool clear thinking and level headed, but this decision has too many unknowns and is very emotionally charged. I really want someone with a crystal ball to come along and tell me what to do.

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Phineyj · 04/07/2021 08:39

I think I'd change in these circumstances. Two years is a loooong time at that age. I am fairly outgoing but when I was your DD's age, maybe a bit younger, my parents moved us around a lot and there was one school where I just didn't make a friend (I had some out of school fortunately). It was a long long year of talking to myself and the playground supervisors! Your post brought it all back to me 40 years later. We moved again and I made a great group of friends at the next school.

Mistyplanet · 04/07/2021 08:40

Wont she be changing anyway for secondary in a years time ? Its a tricky one. Id be concerned that whatever issue there is where shes not making friends will follow her to a new place. Unless you could somehow work on her social skills over ths summer. Invite some friends over that she has from outside school or in the other class for example.

Original poster

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 08:41

3 more years before she changes to secondary. What specifically can the current school do for her? If I approach them again what do I need to ask for? I have spoken to the principal about changing class and he said no, but "something" would be put in place. He couldn't say what. I told him a fresh start within the school was my preference but if it wasn't possible I would probably take her elsewhere. I wasn't being confrontational, I had more or less decided to do so. He didn't quite say Bon Voyage, but he wasn't too bothered.

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Quartz2208 · 04/07/2021 08:44

What are the reasons your DH wants her to stick it out? It seems at the moment she simply doesnt fit, making her stay doesnt actually seem to be teaching her anything

ohthatbloodycat · 04/07/2021 08:44

I work in a primary school. So often we trot out the 'be resilient' line, but actually, why should your daughter have to be?!
My daughter moved school at exactly the same age. It was her choice entirely. She had her own reasons for wanting to move (not bullying), and I supported her because there was no good reason to say no.
No school is perfect. Some things will be better than the old school, some things worse, some the same. You must give this message to your daughter. A new school should never be presented as the almighty solution to her problems. Do a school visit, and ask your daughter to write a pros/cons list. She needs to see what a change of school really involves.
If she decides to go for it, focus on how brave she is, and how proud you are. So many of us are fully paid up members of the 'better the devil you know' school of thought
A new school could be something wonderful.

Measureformeasure · 04/07/2021 08:46

Is there another school that you have in mind? I would get in touch with the new school and discuss DD with them and see if there is a place and how they would deal with introducing a new child and ensuring they make friends. Can you child visit the proposed new school? Would she be comfortable there? You need more information to make this decision. See if DH is happy with you finding out a bit more about moving schools. He needs to be onboard.

endofthelinefinally · 04/07/2021 08:48

I would move her asap. 2 years is a long time to be miserable at that age. If it is easy to do, I would give her the chance, before her self esteem gets any lower.

FindingMeno · 04/07/2021 08:48

I believe happiness trumps building resilience for children.
If you think she has the skills to make new friends and there's no compatability where she is or impenetrable friendship groups have formed where she is, I would move her.
If she struggles with making new friends as a general thing I think moving her wouldn't leave her any better off. In that case I would try to get her to try out skills for making friends and hold off for a new pool of children to make friends with when she starts secondary.

dramalamma · 04/07/2021 08:50

We're in a similar position at the moment - tho dd is a little younger. I'd say go and look at other schools - there is no obligation to move her but then you have the info. We realised that the schools in our town are very different in ethos and focus so we're moving dd to one that has a real focus on nurture which is what we feel she needs. It's always a risk but by visiting you get an idea of what their focus is.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 04/07/2021 08:52

Building resilience doesn’t mean be unhappy! In fact it’s easier to build resilience when you are surrounded by friends. Move her. It will show you support her and are on her side, which in turn will give her a more secure base from which to build more resilience.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/07/2021 08:53

I’d take your lead from your DD

As in fact the change of school might make it even worse for her anxiety

I’d definitely go child led on this decision x

Original poster

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 08:54

Thank you for your replies.
Dh moved school one year into secondary and he struggled, so he's bringing his own negative experience to the situation.
I have actually spoken to the vp of the other school informally, I know her outside of school. She was very positive about how they could support dd. I had fully made up my mind but dh talked me out of it. I really really appreciate the opinions here. It's helping me get much needed clarity.

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BumbleMug · 04/07/2021 08:58

@Regularchoice

building resilience and not giving up

Is her wish to actively do something different to change her circumstances rather than just putting up with the status quo not a way to “build resilience and not give up”?

Surely a move is exactly that. Being proactive rather than passive. Not giving up the hope that she’ll find a friend elsewhere?

It’s how you look at it.

BumbleMug · 04/07/2021 09:01

Building resilience is not teaching children to continue to suffer a bad situation. Building resilience is teaching them to have enough strength to change things that need changing.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 04/07/2021 09:11

Well if she's able to come out of her shell in different environments it might well be a change wil help. As PP have said resilience is being able to cope with stressm that doesn't mean you should willingly accept a stressful enviornment without changing it. If you're mpt happy with the school anyway a change might be helpful.

BananaBreakfast · 04/07/2021 09:12

Had similar situation with my teenage DD. Except schools (plural) were wonderful. Here's what they did;
Primary, Year 5 (age 8) school spotted a problem and arranged for a group of 4 girls in DD's class to have sessions together on social skills and emotional literacy. DD still uses those techniques that she learned, still treasures her "favourite things" box.
Secondary school also spotted a problem and were checking in with DD, phoned me to ask if anything was going on at home. So, proactive from school. When DD refused to go in after third lockdown, I asked school for help. We had a conference, school advised me on support from other agencies and we put a plan together.
Obviously, my DD is staying at that school. From the response you got, it sounds like the school has zero emotional literacy support going on.
I would be visiting alternative schools and asking about their social skills and emotional literacy programmes.
Don't tell your child there is no plan C.
Good luck

Original poster

Regularchoice · 04/07/2021 09:12

Yes yes yes Bumblemug. That's exactly what my instinct is. She wants to make a brave move and proactively improve her situation. And that's what I want to support.

OP posts:

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