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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this move?

23 replies

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 00:36

I live in London. I hate where I live - 15 or 20 years ago it was a lovely area. Now it's full of scumbags. One set of neighbours are drug dealers, most of the others are just ignorant (a house in the next street is having a party currently. They have been out in the garden singing and doing karaoke since 4pm...I can still hear it with the windows shut and TV on). I can't wait to move.

I'm planning to move a couple of hundred miles away to a rural area with my partner (near to where he currently lives) in a year or so. I have spent time there and it is lovely, no noise but animals (farming area) and the occasional passing car.

However I can't help wondering if I will find it a culture shock (other than for university I've never lived outside the M25) and also whether we will be lonely - partner doesn't really have any friends; I have some loose friendships groups locally, but we're more acquaintances and I don't think we'd keep in contact if I moved. I had a group of friends from schooldays but we have zero in common now and haven't spoken since pre Covid...work colleagues but as we're all now working from home permanently I've lost that too. I just wonder whether a move will end up being just partner and I together all the time. Don't get me wrong I love his company but I would like us to have other people to chat to and spend time with.
.
AIBU to have concerns about moving in the circs?

OP posts:

Original poster

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 10:47

Anyone?

OP posts:

Wilkolampshade · 04/07/2021 10:52

The thing is, it doesn't sound like you're particularly happy anyway OP? Would that be right? I just wonder if you moved if you would just be taking that sense of disatisfaction/feeling down with you?

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 11:01

Wherever you are, you need to make an effort.

You meet some people you might tolerate and even like at work, you meet people you have something in common with through sport, hobbies, volunteering, community events if you are in that sort of things.

Volunteering can be anything from joining a local pick-up-rubbish group,
park runs, official charities...

You need to get out and make the effort of meeting people. You can do that anywhere.

London is great, but one of the downside is how spread it is by definition, so people can live 1 hour or more from each other and it makes meet-ups harder.

Golden2021 · 04/07/2021 11:19

What have you got to lose really? Small communities can be very busy and friendly. It will be a culture shock, but not necessarily a bad one. Make sure you can drive and have a car. If it doesn't work then you move on to the next place.

Original poster

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 11:27

I do drive and have my own car.

I work from home (we were all office based pre Covid and there was a certain amount of after work socialising etc but we are now all permanently home based. This is good because when I move I can stay in the same job but there are basically zero social ops. From now on we'll be in the office once every 3-6 months!)

I wouldn't say I'm actively unhappy. The area I live in isn't very nice, and I don't particularly like it but it is familiar and close to the few social outlets I do have.

OP posts:

Golden2021 · 04/07/2021 11:33

I have moved from a city to somewhere incredibly rural. People actually speak, nobody wants to stab you, there's different activities. It's a nice, pleasant, lifestyle. I miss shops on my doorstep and clubs. I miss having an array of takeaway food, or just shops, cafes to potter in. They are there, but would need to travel. It's an on going slow burner currently, but it doesn't have to be forever if it's a bit too quiet. It's definitely a positive move. Lots of push and pull factors.

TheSandgroper · 04/07/2021 11:39

Start your plans now. Join the local Facebook page. Are there local business women’s organisations? Zonta, Rotary etc. If you can arrange yourself to be there on the right day regularly, try the WI. You need to look further than just attaching yourself to your partner however nice he might be. A Saturday or Sunday morning volunteer thing might be the go.

Original poster

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 12:18

I will look into the local groups, it's tricky as I don't know exactly yet where we will be living within the county but I can at least find out what there is.

My partner doesn't seem bothered about other people, he doesn't really have friends and isn't the going to the pub type. I just think I will need a life outside our home and us, plus it would be nice eventually to have people to meet up with, or invite round for drinks etc.

OP posts:

Golden2021 · 04/07/2021 12:35

Can you say which county?

Wilkolampshade · 04/07/2021 13:03

Y'know OP, in your shoes and with the benefit of hindsight, I would be really, really cautious. I'm sure you know your area and feel it has little to offer atm but could a change of job or making a fresh effort to meet people locally help? Sort of as if you had just moved there?
I say this as someone who left London around 15 years ago, for reasons that sound not dissimilar, and moved to a small town in Cornwall. Frankly, I hated it, pretty much straight away, and despite doing all of the volunteering and working in the community possible, never really felt at home.... We are very, very lucky in having being able to move back to London. But it took years of planning and the most enormous financial hit to do so. Now freshly appreciate all it has to offer.
Very best of luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 13:22

The area is West Shropshire/ Wales.

I love the quiet there, the space - I can't afford a detached house anywhere near where I live now, and even if I could the detached homes are 3-4 ft from neighbours, so you're still overlooked by and adjacent to people everywhere. Constant traffic noise. That's definitely something I won't miss.

Something I have considered and could probably afford is when I sell my current house to keep a very small flat up here (even if I had to let it out or do Air B&B or something part of the time) so I could still come back to London occasionally if I needed to.

OP posts:

Golden2021 · 04/07/2021 13:25

Snap!

Wilkolampshade · 04/07/2021 14:18

Oh well, if you can afford to keep a flat then go for it! We couldn't/ didn't and it would have made a world of difference.
Do you mind saying where in London OP? (very roughly, just local authority) I'm surprised to hear of anywhere you think has gone so downhill in the last 15 years or so as my experience has been the opposite.

Notaroadrunner · 04/07/2021 14:22

Sounds idyllic to me. I'm sure when you move there will be communities nearby where you can join classes, groups and make friends that way.

Abracadabra12345 · 04/07/2021 14:31

If you’re wfh now and didn’t before, that will have a significant impact on how you view your neighbours and neighbourhood, at least in my own experience. Several close neighbours now wfh, expected to be permanent, and I’m semi retired which I wasn’t before so we are sharing space in a way we didn’t before. We are far more aware of each other all day and spend much more time in our neighbourhoods rather than leave it to go to work.

It has definitely had an impact!

Abracadabra12345 · 04/07/2021 14:36

@Towntocountryside

I will look into the local groups, it's tricky as I don't know exactly yet where we will be living within the county but I can at least find out what there is.

I’m sure you’re many years from retirement but I always read this sort of thing about partners with a sinking feeling. They find retirement a struggle or become recluses!

Back to the saying, women grow wings and men grow slippers. But that is completely derailing this thread, sorry!

My own feeling is to go for it, the move, and follow the suggestions given

bert3400 · 04/07/2021 14:47

Me and DH + DS recently moved abroad. We knew we wouldn't meet other parents, as my children are older so make thier own way to school. We had to make an effort to meet people and we were aware that this would be the case before we moved here. I joined a circuit training course and we meet 3 X week. I have met some wonderful friends through this club. Me & DH also joined a sporting club to learn a new sport that's very popular here and this has quadrupled our social network. We have met some wonderful friends there as well. We had to leave our comfort zone and make an effort as we both work from home together, but it has been an absolute pleasure to meet these people and learn a new sport . I would move to the country and embrace your new life, sometimes things aren't easy but it will be worth it .

Original poster

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 15:04

@Golden2021 ah what a coincidence! Glad to hear you are enjoying living in that part of the world. The actual speaking to people is something I have really noticed. The pace of life is slower too, in shops the cashier will pass the time of day, a bit of chit chat etc.

That said I know it's not all perfect. I've not spent a lot of time up there in winter, so that is something I need to experience. Driving down country lanes in good weather is very different to hail or even snow! I'll definitely need to get used to not having 3 supermarkets within a 5 minute drive too.

The only reason I might be able to keep a flat (it would have to be a small one) is prices where I am moving are so much lower, plus I'll be buying with my partner too so that reduces the cost further.

I'm in Greenwich borough now (not in Greenwich itself certainly don't have that sort of money!). It isn't a bad area but it certainly is worse than when I first moved here. I think it also suffers by the comparison with rural Wales and Shropshire which is very different and offers more what I'm looking for at this stage of my life.

OP posts:

zingally · 04/07/2021 15:06

In my experience, rural communities have a better social scene than urban areas!

My mum moved to a rural area about 10 years ago now, and I have extended family who live rurally, and she (and them) have a FAR better social life than I do!

StylishMummy · 04/07/2021 15:33

We moved to the area DH is from and I've put effort in to make friends. Joined a women's book club to meet other women over wine and book chat. I take DC to play groups and chat to people etc. I now have several friendship groups and a lovely range of ages/circumstances. But I had to make the effort upfront to find them!

Original poster

Towntocountryside · 04/07/2021 17:33

A book group I could do, hopefully there's one local to where we end up. I tried to join one in my current area but the only ones I could find were either mid morning/ afternoon (not ideal when working!) or on days I couldn't attend for other reasons. So never managed to go. I did join a virtual online one in lockdown but it didn't really get off the ground.

My children are grown up so no baby groups, school gate friendships etc. To be honest in the last 20 years the only friends/ acquaintances I have made are either through my children or via work. Hence being a bit nervous about moving and having no idea how I'll meet any new people.

OP posts:

Golden2021 · 04/07/2021 19:27

Private message me if you like.

Lurcherloves · 04/07/2021 20:03

It’s normal to be worried about a big change. We tend to focus on things that could go wrong instead of the possibilities of nice things. I think you will enjoy the change. There may be things about London you miss such as the anonymity and the lack of pettiness. But there will be things about the countryside that you love. Give it a chance xx

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