Loss of confidence after maternity leave

[Purplelemon7]

I’ve read a lot of posts on here about women struggling with leaving children in childcare - thankfully I have great childcare and my children have settled really well.

I’m really struggling with my confidence though. I had two back to back maternity leaves and I feel like my brain isn’t working. Especially worried about leading meetings with clients. For context I work in a mid level management role in consulting. Most of my team members left over the last two years so I effectively have a new team who don’t know me and I worry that they will think I’m incompetent. It’s stressing me out constantly and I can’t switch off. I try to tell myself it’s just a job but I find it really hard to have perspective. Would love to hear about others experiences and advice

I know exactly what you mean and I’ve had it both times too. It gets better with time as you get into a routine and see yourself managing in new situations. It’s tough for sure.

Oh my gosh I had to double check that I hadn't written this post as I had been planning on posting the exact same issues!
Solidarity sister!

I too have just returned back after Mat leave and my confidence is shot, my ability to make decisions has disappeared and I'm struggling to listen and take in what people are telling me (which then means I forget something/do things wrong so feel daft and hence have even less confidence).

My friends who are all mums said they suffered too but "it comes back". There's no allowance for that to come back in my job though I have to hit the ground running, sprinting even.

It's really horrible the feeling. So much so dh and I have discussed me leaving!

I feel the same. I had 9mths off for maternity and came back to an almost entirely new team. I haven't met any of them in person but they all seem remarkably capable for a job with sod all training. I feel incapable of doing my job properly and like my brain just doesn't work any more.
I feel out of my depth even though I've been back about 6mths. My first case looks like it will be going to court and as I'm not trained for this, I know it will be a massive cock up.
I've found out I'm pregnant again and am looking forward to getting away from work again as I'm really struggling to cope with it.

Thanks everyone, it helps to know I’m not alone

@hungrywalrus How long did it take you to get back into it?

@Ginfilledcats I have the same expectation at work of needing to hit the ground running. It’s really tough. We have also discussed me leaving but finding a new job when you’re lacking confidence will be another challenge.

@catfeets I was actually in a similar situation after I came back from my first Mat leave I found out I was pregnant so looked forward to being able to get away again but it feels worse this time around because I took longer leave and the team and my manager are new.

I failed out after I returned from mat leave. My confidence was shot, add in working from home and I didn't cope well.
Luckily my company moved me rather than firing me and I'm doing much better in my new role. Just wanted to say you're not alone in this.

@Mylittlesandwich Was that demotion or we’re you just moved into a different role at the same level? Glad things are better for you now.

I feel like this; more so since my second maternity leave. I’ve been back 3 months and I’m getting there with it but it was especially hard as as much changed during the pandemic and as much as I like working from home I’d have found it easier in the office I think

@Bksjshsbbev2737 Yes I do wonder whether working from home has had an impact on the settling in process. Although I am so glad not to have the commute and to have to rush back for the children!

I felt I was really struggling when i went back after 7 months. After two months I had a really honest conversation with my manager who was really surprised and said there was no noticeable difference in my performance.

Have you actually gone back yet? You might find it easier when you're at your desk. If you're already back - You may be coming across well without realising it. Fake it till you make it?

Oh sorry I see you are WFH. That can't be helping at all!

@OverTheWater I do sometimes wonder that and to be honest my written work is fine. That’s all I’ve needed to do in the weeks I’ve been back so far and I’ve had good feedback. What I’m really dreading is running meetings with clients. I feel so out of practice with doing that.

@Purplelemon7 it's difficult to say as it's a totally different work stream but they kept my pay and conditions the same so I was happy to take it.

If your written work stuff has come back easily there's no reason that the meeting management stuff won't come back in the same way, right?

Totally reasonable to feel anxious about it though!

Yes, and I suspect wfh isn't helping because you haven't got the familiar work surroundings to remind you that you can absolutely do this! It does come back, promise. And if you can go into the office a few times, despite the logistical impact, it might help a bit.

It will come back! My smallest is 2 and I’m getting there now. But that was probably delayed by working at home during lockdown.

Your brain is plastic and will adapt to whatever you’re asking it to do. I struggled at the start of my first mat leave (I didn’t stop all day and yet I’d achieved nothing!) and then struggled to get back the ability to focus on one thing when I got back to work. And it was somehow worse the second time even though I’d done it before, probably because two children requires even more plate spinning, brain wise. Anyway, the upshot is that it will come back but you can’t wait for it to come back - it will come back because you’re doing it.

Are there any women with older children you can approach for some informal mentoring? Same sector if not same company? We have this system now to avoid losing female talent and I found it really reassuring. I’ll do my stint as a mentor when it’s my turn!

To be fair everyone struggled with the shift to zoom/teams rather than in person meetings last year, so it may be you’re just doing this a bit later than everyone else. And yes to getting into the office a couple of times if you can. I am now much better at getting into the work zone even with a toddler hanging off my leg, but to start with I had to hide myself away with some noise cancelling headphones and really work to get into the zone. I think WFH is notionally more flexible for parents but can be really detrimental to maternity returners.

Sorry for the multiple lengthy posts - can you tell this is something I feel strongly about?

@DriverOrDiver Yes I’m finding it hard to focus. I’m not distracted by my kids (I know they’re in great hands) it just feels really strange to use my brain and focus!
There isn’t anyone in my company who I can talk to. There’s one woman in another team who has had kids but she’s very unapproachable. Will have to think about my wider network which isn’t huge to be honest.
I think you’re right that it should come back once I get stuck in. At the moment I’m just waiting for client work to materialise and the waiting period isn’t great because whilst they’re giving me stuff to fill my time there’s still that ongoing anxiety about how I will manage meetings and having to think on the spot.

You could be me! I went back earlier this year and was terrified as had a horrible client for the brief time I was back before next mat leave last time. Its honestly gone fabulous - there's new management in place which is a lot more supportive (or at least not so unsupportive) and my client is so nice - I feel like so much damage has been repaired! I will probably go back into unjustly at some point soon as long term consulting is not going to work for me and I want to wfh as I am so much more production both professionally and family

I'm working on improving returners experiences in my company - what kind of support would help you?

Industry not unjustly

I’m struggling with this too after my second maternity leave. I’m also surprise pregnant and will be having a third maternity leave next year (which they don’t yet know about).

Here’s two things that have helped me:

1. Do you have a mentor or someone else in your organisation you can talk to? I approached a relatively senior woman who like me works PT and has a few kids. I asked her if she couple spare half an hour for me for a general chat. I prepared a few really specific questions/points of discussion. I found it incredibly helpful to hear from someone who’d come out the other side.

1. Ask for a return to work review. After about 3 months of being back I think you could ask for some feedback about how you are doing and share your feelings. I felt like I was doing a terrible job and it really helped to have my manager tell me that wasn’t the case!

@CCSS15 I think the types of client you have can make such a difference! Before I went on my Mat leave I had a lovely long term client for a few years and that probably made me too comfortable. I’m really worried about how I will deal with a more demanding client this time particularly as I don’t have my old management around who knew me well. If they were still around and I would feel less worried about being judged as incompetent. I’m also planning to leave consulting for industry and will start looking for another job after 6 months or so, so in some ways I guess I shouldn’t worry too much but I can’t help worrying that mu colleagues (who are all new and don’t know my past) will be thinking “how is she in the position she is in” or new clients complaining and I don’t know how to stop thinking that way.

I really struggled with this after returning in November from my second maternity. WFH didn't help as people were now well into using tech that I didn't understand at all. Work were waiting for me to come back to take some complicated clients so I got no settling in time.
I wanted to complain, but informally ,which I would have done usually by grabbing my supervisor for tea but WFH put an end to that. Anyway I did get better at the work side of things but the exponential stress from day one got to me and I've threatened to quit
If you feel really like you're not coping then tell someone , it might just mean someone saying but you're doing great and you'll feel better or you might get some support.

Also it's been the difficult clients,I could take on 10 regular ones to the two I have and be less stressed. I think work maybe held off increasing my workload while I was pregnant but don't see a reason to on my return 🤔

@SuddenArborealStop 6 months on for you feel somewhat back to normal now?
I too think I could manage a nice client and a project that’s not too different to what I’ve done before. At the moment it seems I will either end up on a very complicated project which I’ve no experience off or otherwise working for a client in a sector which is very demanding.
You mentioned that you threatened to quit, did you raise that in the context of not being the right type of work/support after having had time off?

Did anyone do anything about anxiety around work eg therapy or medication. I’m finding that I’m constantly thinking about it even when I’m not working and it’s spoiling other aspects of life.