To have a physical ache that I won't have a second child?

[theresaguyiknow]

I am a 29 year old single mum to an 8 year old daughter. I had a few opportunities throughout the years since she was born to have another child, one ended in miscarriage and the other abortion as it wasn't the right time or with the right person. Also as I had my daughter fairly young, I found it quite a struggle, I suffered from PND and just really didn't enjoy the baby/toddler stage.

I feel me and my daughter have a close relationship now and I enjoy being a mum. The only thing is recently I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something isn't complete, like I made a mistake only having one child. I always think what age the baby would have been if I went through with the pregnancy. I always feel guilty as if I've let my child down as she could have company.

I worry that she will have a lonely life being an only child and I constantly worry that something will happen to her (god forbid) and I had nothing to carry on for. It's manifesting as a physical ache and it's really disrupting my life. It seems to have come out of nowhere and I can't shake it.

Rationally I know I do not want another baby, I couldn't go back there and I know I won't have one but I just can't shake these feelings. I have a constant knot in my stomach it's horrible.

Should add that up until these feelings started, about 6 months ago (on and off) I was always really content with having just one. No idea what has changed.

I think as you're still fairly young you can still decide to have another child, you don't have to have made any kind of final decision on that front. I don't know your full circumstances but you may meet a supportive partner down the line and have more children. Most of my friendship group didn't start having babies until they were in their 30s.

Your child will not have a lonely life because of being an 'only'. She will have friends, fun and do all the things other children do, maybe more. She is also not going to be the only one at school without siblings.

Yes it is nice to have two but if you don't, life can still be pretty good.

You're only 29. You might be in a completely different position in 5 years time!

I had my second 12 years after my first (was incredibly young with number 1). DD loves it as she had all the attention and benefits of being an only but now has a little brother to dote on and hopefully have a relationship with as adults too.

In the meantime, I would focus on whatever else you can to give you fulfilment in life. There is definitely more than children, though YANBU to feel a perfectly natural biological urge!

I had my first DD at 19 and she’s 7 now. My second DD is 9mo now so I have a large gap between them. Whilst it was hard going from an independent, mature child to the baby stage again, I’ve loved that my eldest is so understanding and able to cope with having a baby sister. She’s able to help us which she loves and she is genuinely besotted with her sister rather than thinking she took her attention from us.

OP, you still have time to have more children but only do it if it’s right for you. Your DD will be fine as an only child so don’t see that as a reason to have another.

For various reasons, I didn't have my first until I was 39.

Why don't you want and see where life takes you?