Lack of manners in house guests

[FlatteredFool]

I'm tetchy tonight admittedly but this annoys me. Also being assessed for ASD which might have some bearing on things.

Since houseguests have been permitted teenage dds have had a friend over for dinner and sleepovers a few times. I've cooked them a nice dinner that's their favourite, made up bags of sweets and chocolate for them to have with a film, crisps, popcorn etc. They have always been very welcome and I like her a great deal.

Dds have always been very polite so it surprises be when someone doesn't say please or thank you. The most recent guest isn't the only be either, I'll never forget the time an 11 year old girl suggested my 4 yo needed a time out because he was being a 4 yo ds was completely baffled by this as he'd never needed a time out and wasn't behaving badly. She didn't say please or thank you for anything abs just got up from the table at the end of the meal and went on her way home.

Phones at the table playing videos, bad language in front of ds, leaving bedding all over the living room the next morning, going out to buy more sweets or ice cream even though I've provided loads of treats, no please, no thank you, no offering to clear the table, and then just saying I'm going bye

My dds are young teens and not impressed with this behaviour either and annoyed that requests to put away the phone or stop using bad language were ignored.

I'm not very assertive at all and always worry I'm being too strict so rarely say anything to visitors who I think are rude. I always give another chance to make sure I'm not overreacting but usually my first impressions are correct. I don't feel inclined to invite anyone for a sleepover again after the last experience.

At primary they were all so polite and ds's friends are the same as are their parents.

Aibu to expect some manners from guests or is this the way things are now? Are manners a thing of the past?

I get why you’re annoyed but I wouldn’t ruminate on it
Teens can be messy,impulsive,uncommunicative and appear rude. It’s a difficult time. They’re awash with hormones, self doubt and bravado. They are no longer compliant well mannered primary school kids, they’re full on teens
Honestly, Pick your battles and don’t sweat it

Don't be so accommodating they don't appreciate the effort, teenagers can be self absorbed.
Ask cheeky guests have they forgotten their manners?
On arrival be firm warn them the room must be tidied if not no more friends over.

Honestly if your daughter wants her Frienf over I’d let her and not make this your hill to die on, yes it’s annoying but you’re best not getting involved and leaving rhem to it.

I’ve never had this experience. It makes me laugh sometimes how hard my kids friends try to be the perfect guests as I know some of their mums and they aren’t that good at home.
The same as my kids are messy and can sometimes forget their manners but I’m sure they are good house guests.

She's obnoxious. Do your DDs even want her back again?

My ds had 2 friends stay over, all about 13 at the time, they were quite a tight knit group at school. One lad lack of manners was infuriating. We'd gone go karting, got pizza, they had sweets, treats etc. Not a word of thanks & I was in the kitchen when he left & didn't even get a goodbye, thanks for having me or anything. Although the parents had just dropped him off with his bike & rucksack without saying anything so lack of manners a family thing.
We told ds no manners, he's not coming back.
Two years later ds asked if he & other friend (lovely one, we now know the parents well) could come over. We agreed another chance but ds was told if he was the same again, no more chances. Both he and nice friend had primed rude lad. Plenty of please & thank you this time.
So it can change!

rarely say anything to visitors who I think are rude

I would have told her to put her phone away and to stop the language. Your house, your rules.

A good phrase is 'In this house' which you can then follow with a description of the desired behaviour and sometimes a pointed look.

'In this house'
we say please when we ask for something
we sit at the table until everyone has finished their meal
we don't have phones at the table
we say thank-you when we're given something

It's much less confrontational than pointing it out using the child's name, but it gets the point across.