To be irritated when someone asks for honest advice on outfits then deletes it all because they secretly wanted an ego boost

[TakesTheHindLeg]

Friend in a social media group asked for advice on what to wear for a ‘formal dress’ work induction. She said she was clueless.

Lots of people gave advice about formal work clothes (tailored trousers, smart tops, blazers, skirts, dresses etc). Many posted links to outfit ideas and websites. Others posted photos of their own formal work outfits.

People in her field gave more specific advice eg no denim, no leggings, clothes well fitting, tailored, some tips for making a good first impression.

She then posted about 8 photos of herself in different outfits from her wardrobe asking if any were suitable or should she go shopping? Asked for honest feedback.

Clearly she’d taken no notice of suggestions! In most photos she was wearing tight leggings with unflattering tops too short, or t-shirts with busy bright patterns, or tight jeans. In all photos a very unflattering open cardigan several sizes too small and far too short.

She’s a size 18 and all the outfits were very unflattering styles let alone formal!

Several people VERY gently pointed out the cardigan was unsuitable as formal wear, as well as the leggings, jeans, yoga pants and tight flowery tunic.

They sent links to better options, more outfit ideas. Someone suggested a lovely plus size smart wrap cardigan/jacket thing, others commented how great this was and asked for the link. People were being really creative and trying to help her.

I was preparing some outfit ideas for her too, only before I had a chance to post them
she deleted her entire thread as she was ‘upset’ by the responses. I messaged her asking where it was and she said it had dented her self esteem. That other women in the group get positive feedback on their outfits and she just got criticism! Yet she asked for specific advice about a specific dress code!?

AIBU to think deleting was rude of her? Others were benefitting from her thread and sharing ideas. People (including me) wasted their precious time researching formal wear that would suit her! I daren’t send her the links now as she’ll take it the wrong way.

Why ask for honest feedback and shopping suggestions if you just want an ego massage?

i see the same on fb tbh. i personally would love something like that as i often look like ive fallen into a charity shop.

i see the same on fb tbh

Thanks, least it’s not just me then.

I’m just annoyed she asked for ‘honest’ advice, got it and threw it back in our faces.

There are a few other women her size and body shape, who were getting really into the ideas shared. Why didn’t she just delete her personal photos and leave the info and links for others? She’s not the only one starting a job soon looking for style advice!

She phoned me last night to moan; nobody said anything nice about any of her outfits apparently. Someone said her cardigan needs to fasten (apparently, I didn’t see that comment as was busy looking up styles for her) but she took it as calling her fat!?

She thinks there’s a clique who compliment each other’s outfits. True some post photos of their party outfits or hair and get admiring comments. They’re usually slim (or curvy but wearing stuff that fits and flatters) so of course they get lots of positive feedback! And they’re not asking about formal work clothes.

I don’t want her to feel out of place her first week but now I can’t even offer constructive advice! 🙄

i personally would love something like that as i often look like ive fallen into a charity shop.

Me too 😂

This reminds me of the Facebook group, can’t remember the name, everyone was wearing shorts or dresses with trainers and posting pictures looking for affirmation... except everyone got it whether the look suited them or not. But your friend got honesty, real critique and suggestions. I can see why she’s a bit upset, not hearing what she thought she would. Not saying that people weren’t right to be honest.

YANBU. I am genuinely a bit clueless so if I posted for advice I would much prefer kind, but genuine feedback rather than ego boosting which might see me going to an event in an inappropriate outfit.

Yanbu, happens all the time online, people ask for opinions, but can’t cope when the opinions aren’t exactly their way of thinking.

They don’t really want opinions, they just want loads of people to confirm they’re right and get in a strop when it doesn’t happen.

Yes, these people are called "askholes"

Also sorry to derail but are there places you can post pictures of outfits and people will give you feedback? I need this!

My mum does this in person all the time. Asks if I like an outfit and if I ever say no, she goes in a mood and stops talking to me.
Why ask if you don't want the real answer?! Drives me batty

AIBU to think deleting was rude of her?

Not really- if she created a post and decides to delete it because she realises it was a mistake, are you saying she's committed to the process and owes other commenters something now?

She obviously went into it expecting something different and wasn't prepared to receive a reality check, and I think it's reasonable that she deleted the interactions if she wanted to forget about them after she got upset.

The alternative is that she leaves the posts there and they continue to upset her (and people likely continue to keep the thread active by adding other helpful advice).

I personally can't think of anything worse than having a very public discussion about this kind of thing, especially if it's an issue I'm already sensitive about, but perhaps she didn't realise she was so sensitive about it until she got the criticism she'd asked for.

I don't think she WBU to delete it after she realised she couldn't handle it.

If other people want advice then they can start their own fb discussion, surely?

Another tip is to save potentially useful links as you go, as there's no guarantee a discussion is still going to be there when you want to refer to it in the future.

My friends know not to ask unless they actually want an honest opinion.

if she created a post and decides to delete it because she realises it was a mistake, are you saying she's committed to the process and owes other commenters something now?

I see what you mean; kind of. But why didn’t she just delete the photos of herself (so nobody else could comment on them/her) instead of delete the whole post? She put all the photos in the comments so could have just deleted those. Or she could have hidden the post.

Felt like we rallied round to help, spent time researching clothes and styles and online shops for her. Analysed her outfits and tried to explain why they weren’t formal. Discussions about formal attire started, lots of people had lively sub threads with ideas and links. I assume most didn’t save the links snd she literally cut off all the conversations her original post had inspired.

are you saying she's committed to the process and owes other commenters something now?

Yes. I think if you start a discussion and it takes off because it helps others too, it’s selfish to delete the whole post. Deleting in a strop is childish. People gave her their time and attention, she thanked nobody.

Instead of being grateful she snubbed us. Ignored all the advice about formal wear before she even posted photos of what she had. Then got upset because people said her outfits weren’t suitable!

Also sorry to derail but are there places you can post pictures of outfits and people will give you feedback? I need this!

Many many FB groups. Some for anyone to join. Look up Style groups on FB.

This one is a group of friends, we all know each other in person. But don’t see each other much as there are 30+ of us and most moved away from where we first met.

Or the "how old do I look" threads on here...

@TakesTheHindLeg

if she created a post and decides to delete it because she realises it was a mistake, are you saying she's committed to the process and owes other commenters something now?

I see what you mean; kind of. But why didn’t she just delete the photos of herself (so nobody else could comment on them/her) instead of delete the whole post? She put all the photos in the comments so could have just deleted those. Or she could have hidden the post.

Felt like we rallied round to help, spent time researching clothes and styles and online shops for her. Analysed her outfits and tried to explain why they weren’t formal. Discussions about formal attire started, lots of people had lively sub threads with ideas and links. I assume most didn’t save the links snd she literally cut off all the conversations her original post had inspired.

are you saying she's committed to the process and owes other commenters something now?

Yes. I think if you start a discussion and it takes off because it helps others too, it’s selfish to delete the whole post. Deleting in a strop is childish. People gave her their time and attention, she thanked nobody.

Instead of being grateful she snubbed us. Ignored all the advice about formal wear before she even posted photos of what she had. Then got upset because people said her outfits weren’t suitable!

It's her post - if it was making her feel bad what does she owe to you or other commenters? Make your own post asking for links again if you want to...

Well if you all know each other in real life that's even worse than stropping off on a general FB group.

It doesn't seem like she was listening to advice if kept putting up outfits that clearly weren't what were told fitted formal wear. Even if short of funds she could at least get an idea of what to find at charity shop/eBay etc

It's her post - if it was making her feel bad what does she owe to you or other commenters? Make your own post asking for links again if you want to...

That would be insensitive when she’s just deleted the post and shut down the topic.

Imagine if someone started a similar post and their photos got positive feedback? Or the post upset her because it seemed like a copy cat post?

I don’t need links personally. I’m cross I researched so many styles and items; then couldn’t even share them with her/the group as her post had gone before I could post!

It doesn't seem like she was listening to advice if kept putting up outfits that clearly weren't what were told fitted formal wear. Even if short of funds she could at least get an idea of what to find at charity shop/eBay etc

True. She’s not short of funds (I know her quite well in RL). Even when she posted pics of what she had she had a caption ‘any of these suitable or should I go shopping?’

This was after at least 10 people had said no denim, no leggings, clothes should be structured/tailored, well fitting, not too bright or busy for the formal dress code!
Either she didn’t read anybody’s comments or she posted photos anyway hoping for comments like ‘you look gorgeous’ ‘fabulous dress’ ‘really suits you’.
Every outfit she posted was casual and unflattering. Think leggings with camel toe showing and a voluminous scarlet t-shirt. A flowery dress with a tiny cardigan that made her look much bigger than a size 18. Skin tight jeans and a top with cartoon animals that barely covered her waistband. Yoga pants with cuffs. Yet people still tried to be polite, comments like ‘that’s a nice colour on you but not formal enough. Do you have any tailored trousers?’ Or ‘great for the weekend but too casual for a formal dress code. How about something like this?’

Nobody said anything nasty. But nobody said ‘wow you look amazing’ either. Because she didn’t and she’d asked for honesty!

I’m cross I researched so many styles and items; then couldn’t even share them with her/the group as her post had gone before I could post!

I guess it's similar to what MNHQ says - don't give any more than you can spare to posters.

I can see why it's frustrating for you to do all that research and then not get to share it, but I don't think she did anything wrong in deleting her own discussion. You could always just send her the research you did.

If it were a real life conversation between friends, it would be fleeting, so she obviously didn't want to immortalise the conversation on the internet.

You could always just send her the research you did

She’ll take it as criticism now. Seems she didn’t need/want help with the dress code just a confidence boost or false flattery. I get she’s nervous and wants compliments. But phrasing it the way she did got her a load of honest advice instead. Mostly from those in her industry. Nobody wants her to feel badly dressed on her first day.

but I don't think she did anything wrong in deleting her own discussion

Had she deleted only her own photos and discussions I’d agree. But she deleted comments from many other people that weren’t about her. And deleted lots of research, links and others’ discussions about their own style for formal work.

She either panicked and deleted the whole post by accident or did it through spite. When I spoke to her she was seething about the lack of positive feedback her photos got. I tried to say they didn’t mean it personally but she thinks there’s a secret clique who admire each other and not her.

I’ve learnt not to waste time helping friends with style problems anyway!