Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to want to message him about our son?

22 replies

crazymicrowave123 · 03/07/2021 11:48

I split from my son's father almost a year ago, and so far co parenting has been pretty smooth. However I'm starting to get a bit fed up with his parenting choices for him (our son is almost 2). For example he always forgets to brush his teeth and give him regular baths.

Our son will be in the same dirty clothes the whole day when I face time and more often than not our son is left in front of the TV for most of the day. He has him every weekend and pays me money for him monthly so he seems to think that is more than enough which irritates me. I recently found out that he gives our son fruit juice from a bottle rather than just plain water (combined with the fact that he is lazy with brushing his teeth) and doesn't ever read to our son or take him out. My son doesn't really have much structure at his house and is always tired at mine and all my hard work through the week is unravelled.

I don't want to feel like nagging but when I gently give him my opinion he gets offended and tells me to mind my business. How can I fix this and am I really being unreasonable to message him with reminders or outline why I'm upset?

OP posts:

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 11:51

I know it’s hard but you can’t control how he looks after your son, everything you write is down to different parenting style. How do you know what he does/doesn’t do when you aren’t there?

BarryFromEastenders · 03/07/2021 11:54

To be fair to OP I don’t think not brushing teeth, not regularly bathing or changing clothes constitutes any parenting style other than negligence.

RandomDent · 03/07/2021 11:55

Forgetting to brush teeth a different parenting style?
I’d pick the one thing that you think is the most important (for me it would be teeth) and ask for that. The other stuff, although irritating, is not particularly damaging to your child’s health. Good luck.

radiosummer · 03/07/2021 11:56

@Oneandanotherone

I know it’s hard but you can’t control how he looks after your son, everything you write is down to different parenting style. How do you know what he does/doesn’t do when you aren’t there?

Absolute nonsense - children need stability and the same routine in both homes, especially if they spend a lot of time with the parent that is doing things that are quite blatantly wrong. Cleanliness and hygiene are paramount, and as for "different parenting styles" that is family court jargon that allows for laziness on the court's part so they dont have to ensure children are receiving the right care.

Do write to him and if he refuses to raise your child correctly and in a healthy way then reduce the overnight time the child spends with them - if he wont bathe and clean the child then it isnt healthy for them to spend multiple days in a row with them.

It's extremely annoying to see people set the bar so low for nrp who are most likely men.

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 03/07/2021 11:58

@Oneandanotherone because I face time my son every weekend, (which his father allows) and he's always in dirty clothes and the cartoons are always on in the background. I jokingly asked whether he takes our son to the park, when he came to drop him off, and he admitted that he can't be bothered, nor can he be bothered to read to him and that he is sure he will get that stuff from nursery or me. I was so shocked. And then he bought a bag with clothes in it from his mother's house and in the bag was a baby bottle with juice in it. When I asked why he has that, he said our son prefers the taste and it keeps him quiet. I am just so hurt because I spend so long reading to our son, brushing his teeth and playing with him and really nurturing him and his dad's lazy parenting just affects all of that because we aren't on the same page and I'm helpless. I guess I am just venting really.

OP posts:

DonLewis · 03/07/2021 11:59

Not brushing teeth would do my head in. At 2 a child needs help with this to protect his teeth. This every parents job, non resident or otherwise.

I'd absolutely talk to him about it. Perhaps it's time dad took baby to the dentist?

IamnotSethRogan · 03/07/2021 11:59

How do you know he's not brushing his teeth ? And you say same dirty clothes but all day, so do you mean the clothes get dirty /a spill and he doesn't change them straight away?

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 12:00

I’m sure the 5 days with you will outweigh the 2 with him.

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 12:01

Health issues fine. A lot of the other stuff is just parenting choices really and if you choose to have a child with someone you just have to put up with it if you split up and they have different ideas. It sucks but hopefully your efforts will help your son.

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 03/07/2021 12:02

@Oneandanotherone It's Thursdays from 6pm until Sundays at 4pm, I just said weekends to make it easier. Still not much but sets the pace for how things will be in the future

OP posts:

BingBongToTheMoon · 03/07/2021 12:04

Ok, you can not “dictate” what he feeds or gives his son to drink nor to read to him nor to take him anywhere.
You can mention/ monitor the toothbrushing, bathing and clean clothes. I would too.

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 03/07/2021 12:05

@IamnotSethRogan An example, I will drop of my son Thursday evening clean and washed, and I face time him after work on a Friday and he is still in the same outfit I brought him to his dad's in. Or just the same top and a dirty nappy and food around his face. If I don't mention it to his Dad he won't give him a bath or change him unless he thinks he really has to as he can't be bothered.

OP posts:

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 03/07/2021 12:05

@BingBongToTheMoon fair enough. Even the hygiene stuff would be the bare minimum and enough for me. Just wish he would listen.

OP posts:

3scape · 03/07/2021 12:06

Not brushing teeth, dirty clothes. Stop being gentle with him about it. Who cares if a neglectful arse gets a bit offended when someone calls them out?

NoYOUbekind · 03/07/2021 12:07

That's actually quite a lot of contact time to leave your child exposed to rubbish, lazy parenting OP. I'm sorry. I'd start thinking now about what kind of contact pattern you want to have when DS is older and start moving towards that, because once he starts school (I know that seems forever away) you are going to be stuck with all the hard graft and Ex is going to get all of the weekends. If that means reducing one of the nights or something he currently has him then so be it. It doesn't sound like Ex will bother given he does so little with his son.

IWantT0BreakFree · 03/07/2021 12:14

Why are you not getting any weekend time with your son? Maybe it doesn't matter so much now depending on your working patterns, but when he starts school in a couple of years you will be doing all the donkey work of drop offs, pick ups, evening routines during the week, but without any fun downtime on the weekends to really connect with your child. And by that time you may have set a precedent with contact that could be hard to change if your ex does not agree.

I think (and especially since he sounds like a pretty shitty parent) I would be seeking to change the contact arrangements so you have more time with your son. If his dad can't be bothered with him anyway, maybe he'd agree to EOW and one day in the week.

amylou8 · 03/07/2021 12:15

It's a tough one, because while he's on dad's time then dad's the one in charge. If he's not receptive to you getting involved all you are going to do is cause friction. If he was leaving him home alone, not using a car seat... neglect level stuff, then you'd of course get involved. Not cleaning teeth, missing a bath..it's not good, but you're never going to get a court to stop his access over this sort of thing. You've got years of this I'm afraid, sounds like he's an Xbox dad, and what 12 year old doesn't want to spend all day on the Xbox at dads house. Pick your battles.

Original poster

crazymicrowave123 · 03/07/2021 12:23

@IWantT0BreakFree I work Fridays and Saturdays so it saves on childcare. I think once our son starts school I'll be having him Saturday evenings or early Sunday mornings but don't think it's fair to reduce contact and make it uncomfortable, as I feel he would stop paying maintenance. He pays more than I would get in CMS.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 03/07/2021 12:26

I'd be more worried about him being there every weekend. When do you get fun time with him? Especially when he starts to preschool or school you will effectively not see him.

Once he starts preschool the constantly dirty clothes will be commented on.

Tistheseason17 · 03/07/2021 12:39

@LittleOwl153

I'd be more worried about him being there every weekend. When do you get fun time with him? Especially when he starts to preschool or school you will effectively not see him.

Once he starts preschool the constantly dirty clothes will be commented on.

OP said she works Fri/Sat so she gets fun time Mon-Thurs every week. OP also says that when DS goes to school it will change so she gets fun.

singlehun · 03/07/2021 12:53

I totally appreciate this sounds mad but id go to CsA and get the maintenance sorted out. As it stands yes he's paying you more but he has you over a barrel and making decisions based on finances rather than your child's well being.

I think other than that I'd pick the most important bit... in my opinion the teeth brushing, and try to tackle that for now

eeek88 · 03/07/2021 13:32

I have two friends who weren’t forced to brush their teeth as kids. As adults they still don’t brush them because they ‘don’t like it’. I suppose toothbrushing isn’t the nicest sensation when you aren’t used to it, but when the habit is engrained from a young age it just feels wrong not to. Nobody magically grows up and decides to start brushing their teeth…

The telly, lack of reading and outside time is bad but not the end of the world but the toothbrushing needs addressing.

Needless to say my furry-mouthed friends are having lots of dental problems now that they’re in their late 30s…

Flip