Anyone else feels like stopping to make efforts for some friends?

[Danielle2500]

Maybe I’m feeling this way because the below 3 things occurred in a relatively short time period:

• friend who live across country said she wanted to visit me for the weekend the following Friday. I said great, I’m free, you are welcome to come. I asked her on Wednesday before Friday if she’s coming then, she said ‘oh no sorry, I have XYZ that I forgot about, I will come another weekend’. That’s ok.
• friend 2 and I have organised a Skype date for last night. When I texted her if she was ready, she replied ‘I am at the pub, got invited and didn’t want to decline’.
• friend 3 and I was going to have a breakfast this morning at 10, she texted at 8.30 that she forgot they were having guests today and so had to clean etc, we should postpone.

I feel a bit ‘meh’ now tbh, I don’t want to keep making efforts for friends who then can’t even be bothered to let me know if their plans changed.

AIBU?

As a side note I have some fantastic friends for whom I will always make an effort and I know they will also make efforts for me.

I hear what you’re saying and totally agree YANBU.
However, I have noticed because restrictions are lifting and people are out of practice of organising a few things are happening.
Any chance to leave the house, people are just saying YES without really checking diaries or whatever to see if they can.
People don’t think want to miss out so being a bit selfish in their pursuits to have fun.

I also realise bit of a generalisation but have noticed it a few times in my groups of friends when it wouldn’t have happened pre covid very often.

I think in all these examples it was just unfortunate. Probably the skype one was the worst though. It depends whether these people regularly let you down or if these are just one off occurrences for each of them. I would be inclined to forgive them.

Set your expectations a bit lower. I’m not saying they are unreasonable right now, just that it is going to be less painful for you if you assume everything is a bit up in the air generally.

Last year I decided to put a lot of people in the category of ‘lovely if they contact me, but otherwise I’m letting things lie’.
One actually has become a closer friend and got in touch and we see each other more, but it’s otherwise halved roughly the amount of people I see. I haven’t regretted it. The kids are happier without the flaky friends and have built up more friendships, less hanging on to se me if xxxx is free or if they’ll cancel for something else.
I used to be the one who tended to support friendships, getting in touch etc. I guess I’m quite social, through I love quiet time alone and doing my own thing I also value and look forward to the times I see friends. You end up being the ‘needy’ one, and so many people love to slate that or cancel because they can. If you value the time you see friends and look forward to seeing them, but it’s not really reciprocated it’s so much easier to just find people like you. I feel better about myself, I’m not the needy one or the one who hangs around. I just see people who seem to enjoy seeing me, obviously life means we cancel at times or sometimes there’s a busy period- but we’ll rearrange and express happiness when we do meet up.

I think as life has been turned upside down these past few months/year, I’d leave it a few months before making decision on friendships.

I have a huge social circle and not having seen each other for longer periods than normal there’s a flurry of delayed birthdays, catch ups etc.

People’s lives have been affected, many have been in survival mode and just haven’t the support space they’d normally give.

At one point during lockdown I withdrew a bit because every time I spoke to people there was a sad story (death, illness, job loss etc) and I just couldn’t cope with it.

I just wouldn’t make any rash decisions at the moment, in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Having said that, they are rubbish for not letting you know.

Of course, I don’t intend to cut them off completely or anything like that, but maybe I’ll wait for them to get in touch and try to organise something. I don’t want to be the pushy/clingy one.

And I know life happens and cancellations are inevitable, and I am honestly fine with it, I certainly don’t think the world revolves around me.

My problem with the 3 scenarios is this:

• friend 1: if i hadn’t asked on Wednesday, would she just have let it slip and hoping I would never ask?
• friend 2: she could’ve dropped me a quick text saying she was off to the pub, but knowing that we had a skype date, let her know when I am free and we could reschedule.

• friend 3: I think this was just unfortunate timing, as the previous 2 happened recently tbh.

I suppose what I lack is a bit of clear (amd timely) communication?

This is me a bit. I tend to be the "spare friend" if I'm not careful. I think it's partly because I'm too available and always accept offers etc. I'm also quite mild mannered and don't tend to kick off. People feel they can cancel when they get a better offer from a more rarely available friend, and because I won't make a fuss.

I've found the following helped:
Making myself less available, being more proactive to organise stuff to do and not drop everything if I get an invitation.
Telling friends who cancel that they've upset and annoyed me. I think this came as a great surprise to a friend who genuinely thought I didn't mind!

The thought that people have lost the ability to be polite and respectful because of Covid is ridiculous.

All three of these people have shown you that other people and friends are more important.

The friend that was coming for the weekend. By Wednesday I would have cleaned the house, changed the bed linen, brought food and they didn't even have the manners to let you know they were not coming. When were they going to tell you?

The friend who you were meant to Skype with couldn't have made it more obvious that a chat with was not important, they had a better offer and again didn't respect you enough to let you know.

This morning's friend again sorry, couldn't be bothered to check my diary and actually, these friends coming are more important.

I wouldn't make a Covid allowance. I think it is really poor behaviour and I wouldn't blame you if you took some steps back from these particular friends.

Maybe people have lost The socialisation habit. I think this is bad manners covid or not.

Yes sorry - OP, I do agree you should have been told in advance. That’s rude.

Since Covid I’ve found my circle is a bit more impulsive and flexible than before and this is causing last min changes admittedly it’s more ‘plans have changed, doing x do you want to come as well?’