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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mil picks and chooses and I've had enough

14 replies

Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:24

Right from the start of my dds life mil has often said one minute she can't risk fil getting a cold and then the next minute ( when it suits ) they're not too worried, this has gone on for 3 years picking and choosing when they can or can't risk it, they will have the other grandkids with full on colds temperatures etc but when it comes to my dd 9/10 they really cannot risk it ( mil has been quite nasty to me over it before ) anyhow two weeks ago a took a card over to fil for Father's Day ( no one else bothered to take him one ) and we stood outside because we're getting over a cold ( defo not covid tested etc ) and we were told fil had to go inside because they cannot risk any infections ( fair enough when my nan was alive we had to be careful so I get that ) but fast forward 2 weeks mil said they're not worried about dd new cough and could they come over - aibu to have put my foot down and said no you can't risk it come when dd is better ( again not covid ) I'm so fed up of mil picking and choosing as and when it suits her surely if they have to be careful they wouldn't risk it at all?! Feel bad telling them not to come but I've had enough of the mixed messages as and when mil feels

OP posts:
MouseInCatsClaws · 02/07/2021 21:27

I think that's fair enough

Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 21:29

@MouseInCatsClaws fair enough that I've said enoughs enough and said don't come ? Or that they do that ? X

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3scape · 02/07/2021 21:30

I'd probably just blanket approach and have done. If anyone is ill don't go. Then it's out of her hands.

Totallydefeated · 02/07/2021 21:34

‘Oh no, please don’t worry MIL, I know how careful FIL has to be around illness. We wouldn’t dream of putting him at risk of catching DD’s cold. Let’s meet in a fortnight when she’ll be better. Have a great weekend! Bye!!!!’

Job done.

Hoist her by her own petard.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 02/07/2021 21:36

Try backing away and leave dd's relationship with mil for dh to facilitate... Seems you have rightly so ran out of steam.

FortniteBoysMum · 02/07/2021 21:37

If she can say they can't risk it tell her you think it's best not to if they could not risk a cold. A cough is a covid symptom or a chest infection. A cold is a sniffle or possibly even hay-fever this time of year. The cough is more risk. Use it to your advantage and keep doing so. Point out if fil cannot risk infection that means all infections from all grandkids not just yours when it suits.

2021DNA · 02/07/2021 22:06

I’d tell her that you always have a cold just so you don’t need to put up with that nonsense anymore.

Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 22:07

There's some good replies Thankyou !

In the past she had told me on the Wednesday she couldn't come and see my dd ( pre covid ) because dd had a cold ( which was actually an allergic reaction to dairy then on the Saturday she text to say her other grandchild had stayed the night with a cold and she didn't want to bring her round as she was so poorly then got funny with me because I questioned why she had one go over night so unwell but wouldn't see mine a few days before x

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Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 22:12

Gc not go x

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Gymhairdontcare · 02/07/2021 22:43

Also sorry should have mentioned they visited their 3rd grandchild at Easter when the grandchild had a temperature! I said to fil im suprised your Risking it to which he said " I'm not worried I don't care " then a few weeks later I was told they can't risk a cold when it come to my dd xx

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carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 02/07/2021 22:50

So what is the heart of the issue? That she wants things on her own terms or that she differentiates you from her other family? If the latter, why (do you think?).

I sympathise as I have this to some extent with mil too… but for her it’s constant hypochondria that prevents her from seeing us if there is the slightest bug going round. No other dc in the family but she would not be any different if there were…. So perhaps diff to your scenario. Still drives me mad tho,..

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/07/2021 22:56

You get to say no as well. Do it.

OhRene · 02/07/2021 22:59

Meh, sod em. If they are too worried about colds one week but are suddenly okay the next time, just tell them no, you wouldn't want to risk them.

My MIL lives on the next street. We have barely seen her since lockdown started. She never wants to risk it. That's fine. We're the overly cautious type anyway. Washing hands, cleaning shopping (last year anyway), DH stopped car pooling even when it was allowed, we don't go out at all, and we rarely go shopping further than the village shops etc. When one of our kids was isolating from school but negative for every test, MIL wouldn't even accept something we were dropping off. We had to leave it outside in the back yard. It had come straight from the shop too, and hadn't even been in our home.

SIL however doesn't really bother. Their DS's girlfriend caught Covid last week from a night out and as far as we could tell, the only ones isolating (from their household as they all live there) were the son and his gf. SIL and BIL have been going about as normal.

They've had parties, they've been abroad, they head out shopping all the time, they love a good house party and day to day, masks are optional and hand washing is never done (and I mean they do not wash hands after going to the toilet. They are proud of it and are happy to say it. Ew)

Now all this doesn't bother me (except the hand washing or lack thereof. It's fucking disgusting!) because it's their business. If they don't care about Covid that's their personal choice and nothing to do with us, BUT, MIL will go and visit them all the time. And stay over too.

Kinda hurts DH to be honest. So now he doesn't bother. It's not even that we don't get on with MIL. We really do but DH can't wrap his head around his mum's thinking at all.

MouseInCatsClaws · 02/07/2021 23:58

Just to clarify my earlier comment, I think it's fair enough that you tell them not to come. Fair's fair

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