AIBU To not want my dad to stay over

[NeverHaveAClue]

So my dad and I have always had a difficult relationship.
He and my mum were abusive towards eachother when we were kids. Then they divorced and I saw my dad a couple of weekends a year.
And then when I was a teenager he became alcohol dependent, he would drink and then call me and be awful and say nasty things so I stopped speaking to him.
Anyway now I have 3 children and he's been coming to visit around once a month for the last 2 years.
The unspoken rule is that he can't drink or be drunk when he visits, because he's not nice when he's drunk.
My kids like him but our relationship is very awkward. I feel very uncomfortable around him but I'm happy that he has a relationship with my kids.
He rings me multiple times a day and is unhappy if for whatever reason I can't answer the phone. He's very opinionated and often gives 'advice' on parenting which annoys me considering he was a shit dad. None of my siblings have anything to do with him.
Anyway I spoke with him earlier and he asked about sleeping over for a week during the 6 weeks holidays. I understand that he thinks it will be nice for him and the kids but I just cannot be around him for that legnth of time. Even for one night seems difficult to me. Am I awful for not wanting him to?
I feel bad because he has to catch the train to come and see us but we can't go and visit him because he lives in shared accommodation.

Sorry that does not work for me. Just tell him no.

Nope he does not deserve that.

Let the cunt rot.

You must be firm about this and say no. Teaching your children about having enough self esteem to maintain firm boundaries is a vital part of parenting! He cannot stay over and this is not a reflection on you at all, it's just a natural consequence of who he is and the impact his past behaviour has had on you. You are not responsible for protecting him from the consequences of his own poor decision making. You are also not responsible for shielding him from the consequences of the fact that his accommodation isn't suitable for children to visit. It may be that he wishes that things were different than they are, but he has got himself to this position via a myriad of poor choices and fixing that for him is not your problem.

Don't let him stay in your home. You're still traumatised by your past, dont give him the opportunity to do the same to your children.

I’ll never understand these threads.

OP - this is a man who has done nothing but treat you poorly - you own him nothing.

I will not ever understand why parents encourage relationships with people like this.

You say you are pleased your children have a relationship with him. Why? You obviously don’t like him at all. He’s still awful and you don’t like being with him. I don’t get it.

Agree 100% with what @Merryoldgoat said.

Just to add, I think you are in FOG. (Fear, obligation, guilt) and need to get out for your own sake as well as that of your dc.

Also, why are you answering the phone to him MULTIPLE times a day?

He's just a sad, lonely, unloved man through his own fault and is using you for company in his old age. He will begin to abuse your dc soon enough and/try to alienate them from you. Your siblings are very very smart in having nothing to do with him.

I have a similar situation with my father. He's a very weird man and Ive always felt uncomfortable around him for as long as I can remember. He would barely acknowledge me or my sibling when we lived with our parents as children.

After a lot of soul searching, Ive cut ties completely.

Life is much easier and calmer now

I pressed the wrong button !! YANBU . its your house and whatever you're comfortable with is the boundary. You have slowly built a relationship with him so maybe phrasing it to him in a way of "i don't want to ruin what we've built up between us by overstepping" is the way to go ?

He's not trying to sneakily move in, is he?!

That will be a firm No. Boundaries are so important when dealing with someone like this. Also, tell him you will only pick up the phone to him once a day/week/fortnight, not multiple times a day!

Op you are writing this as if you have no choice in this situation. You have complete control of this. Why are you even allowing him around your children?? Your siblings have done the right thing by their families, yet you are still forcing this relationship into yours. He was a very bad parent to you, why inflict that on your DC?