AIBU to think he is a CF for expecting to use my car every weekend and should be borrowing someone else’s?!

[SENMUM1]

So long story short - have 1 DD with EX, EX lives far away and can’t accommodate DD where he lives due to personal circumstances so comes to see DD locally instead every weekend (his choice) just to avoid any comments about our contact arrangements - they suit us all and work for us all and don’t wish to change them.

Onto the AIBU, for about 2 months now EX has been having car trouble, it’s one thing after another and he keeps saying he is getting it sorted but tends to leave everything until last minute. He travels to where we live in his car but when he is here with DD, has been using my car to take her out and so on.

I have been allowing it because I don’t particularly want DD travelling in his car with all the problems it has and he agrees on this too, however it’s been going on a while now and it means it prevents me from going out whilst he has my car (I have a disability and rely on my car to get around, can’t walk very far and live where public transport is very sparse especially on weekend). He never offers to put any petrol in either so it’s me paying for it and because of where I live everything is quite far away so could easily be driving my car around for miles and miles at a time.

AIBU to think that he is being a CF or should I suck it up for DD to make sure she is safe?

I have mentioned to him before about borrowing a family members car instead because it’s not really my responsibility to keep lending him my car every Saturday, but all he keeps saying is everyone is busy, like I haven’t got things to do either whilst DD is with him?!

Rant over, haha! X

leave it needing fuel so he has top visit the petrol station first

Yes he's a CF. It wouldn't even be the petrol money for me, it would annoy me not being able to go out... that's the best part of someone else watching the kids 😂

You know he's being a CF

It's even worse that he's leaving you stuck all weekend, knowing you rely on your car due to disability

Just say no. Stop lending it to him. He has had plenty of time to resolve his transport issues, he's DDs parent too. It's not your job to parent him too

Let him know now that you have plans for his next visit so he’ll need his car fixed or a hire car to take his DD out in.

They’re repeat plans obviously. You’ve joined a class/signed up for some volunteering/taken on a project so your car is no longer available to him.

Stop allowing him to use your car. Do you have to pay extra to have him insured? Tell him next time he's due that you are going out so the car is not available. If he's driving a distance to get to your house his car can't be all that bad, otherwise surely he couldn't use it at all. He's probably just using yours to save on fuel costs.

I would tell him in advance he can't have your car because you are needing it, and if he can't borrow one, he will have to hire a car for the day.

Seriously - you need to work on your boundaries. He might be your Ex but you seem to still be facilitating his CFery - why?

And for women who say, because of my child - no, just no, once he became an ExH your responsibility for him and what he does ends. (personally, I don't think anyone is ever responsible for another able bodied adult but that is another thread).

Please stop facilitating him in any way.

I would not lend him my car. Honestly, it's his problem and it's ridiculous for him to assume he can swan off in yours.

Tell him now you've plans for the weekend whilst he has DD and you will be using the car. He either takes her out for a walk or risks using his own car and hopes it doesn't break down with her in it. In which case he'll have to phone the AA or a garage and get it sorted.

I note that he's managing to get to you every weekend in it - but then needs to use your petrol and your car to jaunt about in.

I agree with @AvantGardening, have plans for his weekend that need your car and every weekend for the foreseeable future. He's come to rely on it and is clearly not bothering to deal with the issues with his car because there's no urgency for him.

I wouldn't want him driving it all of the time because of the insurance alone (unless he's a named driver). Even if he has cover from his own insurance, it's usually just third party and an accident could leave you really out of pocket.

Sorry but I think it’s utterly bonkers you let him borrow it even once! He’s completely taking the piss out of you, why use his own car when he can have yours and not even pay for fuel?! He’s had loads of time to sort his car, and it really can’t be that bad if he drives to you then weirdly can’t use it but it’s fine to drive home again.

If he lives ‘far away’ and the car is fine to get him to yours on long journeys every weekend, he can use it for the short journeys too. He’s just using yours because it’s free!

He doesn’t sleep and eat at yours every weekend as well, does he?!

Take him off the insurance and go out in your car every Saturday.

I wouldn't let him use your car I'd you depend on it. What if he prangs it? You could be stuck at home for days/weeks whilst it's fixed and end up with a big bill - which if we won't cover petrol he isn't going to pay is he!

Christ he saw you coming with bells on right ...

Stop letting him make a MUG out of you..

Say NO.. and Hide the keys too .. you can do this 🌸

If his car can get to your house and back then it can take your dd and him out for the day

Stop being a mug

Yes of course he is using you but you don't seem to mind. Who pays his insurance to drive your car?

Of course he's a CF. You know it, OP.
The question is... Will you stop permitting his CF behaviour?

Is he insured to drive it?

Hi OP,
When my dh and I separated, we had one car and whoever had the kids had the car. I did pay for all of the costs, apart from petrol when he had the car. I was okay with the situation because it meant that the child got to their activities. When I bought a bigger vehicle, he took over the old car including all costs. A different situation to you as you need your car for day-to-day getting around.
I understand you want your child to travel in a ‘safe’ car, but you need your car. Have an honest discussion with him and give him a deadline of when you will stop letting him use your car

Get into the habit of filling it up after he's been. So it's nearly empty.

He's taking the piss. Tell him before he comes next that he's not getting your car. Seriously OP. Get the bugger told.

Take your car to the garage for servicing or an MoT or a free brake check. You will collect it after he's gone.

YANBU, time to put a stop to it.