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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to navigate this relationship ..

19 replies

bluevelvets · 01/07/2021 22:35

AIBU to think that it can work in the future ?
Together a year, mid forties, both divorced , I am RP to my kids aged 16,14,12. Kids to their dad eow and see him for a few hours midweek on two evenings .
Boyfriend also has kids , two in college and one 10 year old . He spends eow with his son but not midweek as he lives away for work .
We see each other eow and some alternate Friday or Saturday nights . We speak for about half hour each evening on the phone , chat via text on and off throughout day and are equally as into each other . We have plans for holidays etc etc .
I love my life with my kids. My ex was a shouty angry fucker and our home is now so calm and relaxing.
I have no interest in blending families or moving him in . I'm quite happy and so is he with our present relationship and level of contact.
However we do talk about the future and he would like to see us living together down the line . I would like that too but my youngest won't have left home for another 6 years and I don't want him or any man moving in while Any of my
Kids are still At home .
Can this work? Can it keep going on like this for that many years while also growing and developing or do I cut my losses now before we get in too deep ? I simply won't have my children's lives upturned for a man .

OP posts:

Orangelemon2 · 01/07/2021 22:40

When you say upturned, what do you mean? This means different things for everyone.

I think you’re (rightly) worried about changing the peaceful dynamic in your home at the moment.
A year together isn’t a long time, things may change.

Original poster

bluevelvets · 01/07/2021 22:43

By upturned , I mean a change to our routine and dynamic as. A family

OP posts:

Ragwort · 01/07/2021 22:45

Yes of course it can work if it what's you both want, when you say he talks about you 'living together' ... how important is it to him? A year is a very short time (esp in covid times) to have been dating, particularly when you both have DC, does he seem to be 'rushing' things? Why is he so keen for you to live together ? Does it seem genuine affection or does he want a housekeeper?

Orangelemon2 · 01/07/2021 22:52

Routine doesn’t necessarily have to change, I would expect boyfriend to be understanding in that.

Would you have to move?
I would wait another year and a half or so, by then DS will be almost 14 and probably a bit more resilient/ out with friends a lot.

Original poster

bluevelvets · 01/07/2021 22:59

He is not pushy or overt keen to rush anything. It was a chat that we have had a few times so reallyI am just pondering . He is extremely independent and self sufficient so no, not a housekeeper! In any event,I tend to do the Bare minimum regarding housework . Hate it and it's a waste of my
Precious free time so I have a cleaner.
I would not move . In the future , if we were still together , he would have to move in with me. Financially/ practically/ emotionally ... it would be a huge support but not at the cost of my family's dynamic for the short while we have left together as one unit before they fly the nest .

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 01/07/2021 23:13

Reading with interest as I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I have a 10 year old: been with boyfriend (no kids) 2.5 years. We're very happy and it works well but I'm very unwilling for him to move in because I think my DD would be very unsettled by it - I think blending families is a huge gamble which more often than not doesn't work for the kids -- and because, frankly, I don't really want to live with a bloke again.

I'm quite happy pottering along like this indefinitely, boyfriend seems happy and is not pushing either so things won't change for the foreseeable and that's fine. But a bit of me wonders if a relationship can last a long time if cohabitation is completely off the table.

I'd like to think that actually the emphasis on moving in is massively overplayed: there's a lot to be said for living separately if you can afford it and nothing I've encountered recently has made me change this view. Is it just social pressure which makes people think a relationship isn't "real" unless you live together? I don't know the answer.

But I do think if it works for you now you shouldn't rush into it.

ChangingStates · 01/07/2021 23:32

Similar situation here, mid/late 40s, 2 kids each of similar ages, both co parent 50/50 with our exes, youngest kids 8 years off leaving home at least. Been together 2.5 years, in love and happy. See each other on average once a week depending on schedules, have met each others kids but don't spend time with them or altogether. My time with my kids it's just me and them and they get my focus, time with just him so like fun adult time and sometimes time on my own. We go on short breaks away just the 2 of us which are lovely. No plans to blend, maybe live together once kids have moved out but more likely keep our own places and just spend more time together as the kids get old enough to be independent.
I think this set up is pretty ideal most of the time, like the best of all worlds and I like my independence!
I say enjoy what it is- you sound happy with the status quo and there is no reason why it can't work just as it is, for as long as it's what you both want.

BobCatBob · 01/07/2021 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hankunamatata · 01/07/2021 23:52

I think it sounds fine and exactly the same set up I would go for if I was to ever date again.

Monsterjuice · 02/07/2021 02:41

"I would like that too but my youngest won't have left home for another 6 years and I don't want him or any man moving in while Any of my
Kids are still At home .
Can this work? Can it keep going on like this "

I think you really really need to tell him this point.

Not any vague time frame but not while kids arhome

Suzi888 · 02/07/2021 03:02

I don’t see why not, but I’d be upfront so you are both on the same page and he knows where he stands.

belhaven · 02/07/2021 06:07

I think this sounds ideal, but O agree you probably have to discuss and check you are both on same page.

I am interested in what happens during uni years or if (any of either of your) kids don't leave home or move back after studying etc?

belhaven · 02/07/2021 06:08

Original poster

bluevelvets · 02/07/2021 08:47

Once my youngest child finishes their secondary education , I feel that it would be an appropriate time to move in together. As far as the children moving
Back home is concerned (which I can't imagine as they all look forward to travel and independence but who knows what the future will bring! ), their home will
Always be theirs but the dynamic will of course change in that my domestic wishes and needs will then be prioritised .

OP posts:

Youdiditanyway · 02/07/2021 08:59

I can’t see any reason to rush things or even really worry about this, I actively would try not to think about it because it may mar what sounds like a healthy relationship.

JustLyra · 02/07/2021 09:04

As long as he knows then I can’t see the harm.

Then again my best mate and her partner of 10+ years don’t live together so I don’t see an issue with it.
They both have a disabled child that needs a lot of care and wouldn’t have the space to live together (equipment, downstairs rooms and carers rooms etc) so likely never will.
They have their routines set up that work for them and they’re happy.

As long as you are both aware of what you’re thinking and both happy with it then it can work. If he’s not happy with it, and some wouldn’t be, then he can decide if he wants to compromise and wait or move on.

crimsonlake · 02/07/2021 09:28

Perhaps enjoy thr now and stop thinking about the future. Really impressed that so many people on here and putting their children first instead of rushing a man to move in.
I am still single after being divorced for 10 years, although I have had a couple of short relationships in that time. I put my children first and had no intention of involving someone in their already disrupted lives and possibly spoiling our calm, relaxing family unit.
My children have both gone through uni and left home and in fact I have been completely on my own now for a few years. Do I regret not taking it further in relationships when I had the chance. Essentially no I am glad I followed the path that I did for my children's sake. I might not be alone and older now, but that was the sacrifice I decided to make. I would like a relationship now, but have become so independent I certainly do not want to live with anyone else.

PerveenMistry · 02/07/2021 12:32

@bluevelvets

AIBU to think that it can work in the future ? Together a year, mid forties, both divorced , I am RP to my kids aged 16,14,12. Kids to their dad eow and see him for a few hours midweek on two evenings . Boyfriend also has kids , two in college and one 10 year old . He spends eow with his son but not midweek as he lives away for work . We see each other eow and some alternate Friday or Saturday nights . We speak for about half hour each evening on the phone , chat via text on and off throughout day and are equally as into each other . We have plans for holidays etc etc . I love my life with my kids. My ex was a shouty angry fucker and our home is now so calm and relaxing. I have no interest in blending families or moving him in . I'm quite happy and so is he with our present relationship and level of contact. However we do talk about the future and he would like to see us living together down the line . I would like that too but my youngest won't have left home for another 6 years and I don't want him or any man moving in while Any of my Kids are still At home . Can this work? Can it keep going on like this for that many years while also growing and developing or do I cut my losses now before we get in too deep ? I simply won't have my children's lives upturned for a man .

I've had LTRs (am childfree and only date childfree men) of years where we didn't live together.

You don't have to be entwined in one another's daily life to have a fulfilling and exciting romantic relationship. In fact I think that keeps it interesting.

Just live for the present & don't worry about years from now.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2021 13:02

You don't have to be entwined in one another's daily life to have a fulfilling and exciting romantic relationship. In fact I think that keeps it interesting.

Agree. In fact I'd go further than that and say its far preferable for t he quality of a relationship not to live together.

Obviously its different if you have shared kids. But cohabitation IMHO is so bad for relationships, it usually turns into a toxic stew of resentment and dependency.

My current POV is if you can possibly avoid it it will be helpful for your relationship over the long term.

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