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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that if you don’t share kids/money/accommodation, he’s your boyfriend, not your DP?

50 replies

Rainallnight · 01/07/2021 14:26

I don’t mean you have to share all of those things. But I’m baffled by the threads on here that start with ‘My DP…’ and then it transpires it’s a boyfriend who lives elsewhere, who they see once a week.

AIBU to think that’s not a partner?

OP posts:

RaspberryRoyale88 · 01/07/2021 23:14

I have relatives who think like this. “He’s not your partner till you move in together!”
I agree, boyfriend as an adult sounds weird. The same way if my 17 year old nephew said his latest girlfriend is a partner it would sound weird.

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/07/2021 23:17

I thought DP was the same as a boyfriend. Husband is the next category.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2021 23:25

@Shoxfordian

I’m amazed by the number of men who contribute nothing other than money who are still described as partners

A lot of them don't even do that.

HollowTalk · 01/07/2021 23:27

@FuzzyPuffling

I didn't even live with my DH until we had been married for three years. We still don't share children or money. Which box would you like to put us into, OP? And why do you care?

Why didn't you live together then and why did you start to live together?

Snookie00 · 01/07/2021 23:35

Why are you the arbiter of how people define their relationships? People can be committed in many ways which don’t need to involve moving in together or sharing finances esp when they have children from previous relationships.

ChangingStates · 01/07/2021 23:40

I'm over 40 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years- don't live/have kids together or share finance. I find partner cold- very happy with my boyfriend!

Ponoka7 · 01/07/2021 23:51

For those of us past the age of having children, who meet someone who we are exclusive with and can turn to, who supports us in any way we need them to, then partner is correct. It's common for older couples to not live together. It can complicate inheritance etc.

I didn't live with my ex partner. Our finances were separate, but we were there for each other, more so than many who are married. He had a key to mine, we worked different times, so he would come and take our dog out. We shared a life.

Zebraaa · 01/07/2021 23:56

I’m the opposite… I live with my boyfriend and we’re both late 30’s. Hate the term “partner”.

forinborin · 01/07/2021 23:59

I am also struggling to find the correct term for the non-cohabiting but close relationship, and I agree that boy/girlfriend sounds weird once people are past the age of boys / girls. A friend in a similar situation calls her man "plus one" - ie important enough to be her "plus one" at the important life events, but not a day-to-day partner.

MaxNormal · 01/07/2021 23:59

I really hate the term partner for some reason.
I had a boyfriend, then a fiancé, now he's my husband. Never described him as my partner. Also get really irritated when some sort of officialdom attempts to call him that. No, he's my husband.

TheSoapyFrog · 02/07/2021 00:29

I don't share kids, home, finances etc with my OH. I call him my partner because there isn't an acceptable alternative. I'm nearly 40 and I'm not calling him my boyfriend.

Pollypudding · 02/07/2021 00:34

Significant Other?

MaliceOrgan · 02/07/2021 00:37

would calling him 'my lover' be any better for you OP?

Crikeycroc · 02/07/2021 00:42

I absolutely HATE the term partner. Unless you are police officers or cowboys YABU to use it.
How about ‘gentleman companion’ if you deem boyfriend too juvenile?

WizardHowl · 02/07/2021 02:14

I love ‘fancy man’

A bit tangential, but DH and I didn’t get married until we’d been together almost two decades - and yes, we shared a home and finances during all that time. ‘Boyfriend’ felt daft after 30, but describing him as my ‘partner’ felt either coldly businesslike or as if I were a cowboy. I experimented with a variety of terms, and quite enjoyed ‘paramour’…

SpindleWhorl · 02/07/2021 09:17

A woman I worked with called her partner her 'L - I - L', all spelled out as three separate syllables, meaning 'live in lover' apparently. She was a right wanker.

ChainJane · 02/07/2021 09:38

If you're living together it should either be husband/wife (or husband/husband or wife/wife or whatever) or co-habiter.

"Partner" is either a business partnership or a term of friendship (as in, "howdy pardner, put it there").

If you're in a relationship and neither living together nor married, you're just "my woman" or "my man".

Or just let people call themselves what they want.

OccultGnuAsWell · 02/07/2021 09:45

At the ripe old age of 60 I've settled on "Non-cohabiting significant other".

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/07/2021 09:45

I’m nearly 50 and I’m not a “girl” and haven’t been for 32 years! Neither is my DP a “boy” he’s a man. We’ve been together nearly 10 years and I feel stupid calling him my boyfriend, although I do use that when I feel particularly unsupported or unsure about a future with him “I feel like you’re not a partner. you’re just a boyfriend, I’m doing this all by myself“. He has been known to refer to me as his wife on holiday occasionally when asking for something at reception etc just because I guess it’s shorthand for that woman I’m on holiday with! I don’t like this as I feel that if he wants the ‘legitimacy’ that calling me wife brings he should bloody well marry me.

I use DP on here because BF can also mean best friend (and breast feeding!) so is more prone to misunderstanding. Same with people using DF for fiancé and then everyone thinks they mean their father or friend

Neondisco · 02/07/2021 09:48

I think we're missing a word for grown up boyfriend /girlfriend. Probably because of the expectation of relationship ie brief courting then marriage have changed quicker than language.

As I've been with my partner for just under 17 years. We own a home together but we're child free by choice and neither of us like the patriarchal association of marriage. So partner feels right. It does slightly feel like it undermimes my partnership when people call their 5 week boyfriend a parter. But then really people on here are using the term husband as if it signifies a long term relationship and they've been together 4 years in total. So I suppose it doesn't really matter.

But I totally understand why somone in their 40s who chooses to have a casual relationship doesn't want to call their oh a boyfriend.

YeokensYegg · 02/07/2021 09:54

It seems women want the DP title more than men do. Maybe they want to see every relationship as serious and leading to marriage.

Legomania · 02/07/2021 09:57

It's because there's no MN abbreviation for boyfriend so people use DP to cover it all.

And all the unmarried people in long-term relationships get all bent out of shape because they feel it delegitimises their relationship

Legomania · 02/07/2021 09:58

"Partner" is either a business partnership or a term of friendship (as in, "howdy pardner, put it there").

maybe in 1983!

NotTheMrMenAgain · 02/07/2021 09:59

I'm mid-40's and by chap is early 50's - we're both proper grown ups, with serious jobs and big kids and all sorts.......so, calling him 'my boyfriend' feels stupid. He refers to me as his 'partner' when he's introducing me to people, or sometimes just as 'his NotTheMrMen', which is cute.

I'll use 'my beloved' often, sometimes 'my chap' but I also like 'fuck buddy' and 'object of my affection'.
Also, like lots of other people have pointed out - mind your own business!

Tal45 · 02/07/2021 10:26

To me boyfriend is what you have when you're under about 25, over that I'd say partner.

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