Grandparents and visitation

[HiKelsey]

So some background-

I had my LG at 21 and was married to her dad. She has allergies and rlwe really struggled to get a diagnosis (took 4 months ). Because of this the first 4 months were hell for me, husband and my parents who we lived with. My husband took LG out at 6 weeks old on his own and got frustrated with her because he couldn't settle her, which resulted in him fracturing her rib after squeezing her. He never told us this happened and I only found out after finding a bruise on her shin and was worried about cancer as my grandad is currently fighting leukemia. Anyway social services and the police were involved and he wasn't prosecuted. Social services and I believed it was a total accident but he needed extensive therapy before he should be allowed any unsupervised access.

So husband moves out of my parents into our brand new home, I stayed with my parents as they became temporary Foster carers for my daughter as the judge wasn't happy with social services investigation. Court was last year 2020 and the worst 6-10 months of my life, not being able to share the same room as my child or being able to go out alone with her sent me into a spiralling depression.

Anyway through the whole time my husbands parents didn't believe he did it, didn't accept anything I said to them and had no contact with her for 6 months. Then they decided after court they wanted to see her and she had to call them Grandma and Grandad.

I refused because she had turned one when they finally wanted to acknowledge her existence. They saw her twice at the end of last year then nothing. Me and my husband separated and now he has nothing to do with our daughter. I honestly hate his parents but for the good of my daughter I thought I'd try build a relationship with them. In the last 6 months they've videocalled maybe 4 times (I had to suggest videocalling even though they live 10 minutes away from us). Then when lockdown lifted I suggested meeting his mum at the park with LG but yet again it was my suggestion.

Now she is pushing I introduce his dad to her. I don't want that at ALL, my husbands dad would belittle him in front of me and my daughter. And when she was around 4 months I tried to teach her dada and his dad turned round and said no it's cnt cnot c*nt. His dad says my house my rules and basically what I say goes, I don't want my daughter turning into her dad who is just like his father. My ex husband and his dad are egotistical, racist and enjoy belittling others to make themselves feel better.

I suppose my question is, Am I wrong if I allow contact with my existing mum but no other family on his side?

Sorry for the long post

I would step back and stop trying to facilitate a relationship. It's won't do your child any good.

You need legal advice and get sole custody away from this monster

Two ways of looking at it, your ex's dad is horrible so you can avoid, on the other hand allowing them to see your little one in the park is very low risk, and keeping a relationship could be helpful in the future. Your ex has walked away for now but could request access at a later date, his parents could be go betweens appointed by the court, keeping them onside would help this. I would suggest seeing them only when your mum or a friend can be with you, always in a public place etc

I agree with @motogogo that if you do let her see her grandparents, then meet somewhere neutral and take your mum and dad with you.
Even if the injury was accidental, it was obviously caused by rough handling and temper, and you are well away from him.
What is your situation now with housing, does he still have your home, and is your daughter still under guardianship of your parents?

Just to add, I wouldn't be in rush to facilitate access with the grandparents either.

So in July last year the court granted a care order allowing my daughter to come back to me as it was ruled I didn't cause her any harm whatsoever. With the care order in place to protect LG until her father had completed his therapy and necessary steps that social services wanted in place in order to protect LG. In November I managed to get a house through a housing association so I work 28 hrs a week plus get universal credit to help me with school and rent.

I've put in for a divorce and wasn't taking my husband for any financial support other than child maintenance and for him to agree to my proposed childcare arrangements (this was before he decided he didn't want anything to do with her). We are just waiting to go back to court for the care order to be ended and my solicitor has been instructed to get a child arrangement order in place so the only way my soon to be ex husband and his family will have any say would be to take me back to court.

I've videocalled with his mum maybe once a month for the last 7 months and his dad makes it very clear he would rather be anywhere else. And my mum was kind enough to help facilitate them seeing her at Christmas and only his mum bothered with her then.

I don't want my daughter to ever turn round to me and ask me why I didn't facilitate a relationship with them. But in my eyes they haven't nor will ever do enough for her because they didn't do anything to help us through the worst time in our lives.

*just to add I had to shield most of the last year and a half and my colleagues and family were mainly doing my shopping of picking up LG prescription milk and his family offered no help nor support

Stop facilitating a relationship between your daughter and people who are harmful to her.

I would also pull back. If your daughter questions it you have completely valid reasons for not facilitating a relationship. It will be impossible for her to build a relationship with your ex MiL without her being drawn back in to contact with your ex FiL and your ex.

One day you'll have to explain to her what her father did to her, and why he wasn't allowed to see her. Hopefully you'll get advise on how to explain that to her. It is very unlikely that someone who has had it explained to them their father hurt them as an innocent baby will question why you didn't help them stay in contact with people who excused that behaviour.

Keeping her safe means keeping her away from her father and his family of origin. It would be one thing if they were appalled by what he had done and tried to support you. Instead they have denied it, and in the case of her grandfather it sounds like he is where your husband learnt to act like that

You have already set a precedent of contact between them which could be damaging. You need to stop, now, and ensure they have no legal right to see her going forward. Maybe agree to Christmas cards from them, but no visitation. Your job is to protect your daughter, letting these people see her won't do that.

@Gladiolys

Stop facilitating a relationship between your daughter and people who are harmful to her.

This

The problem I have is that as part of ending the care order a judge asks about contact between the paternal grandparents and if I don't allow any that can be damaging legally too.

Her father still has more rights than her, if he doesn't want contact ever that's fine but social services still have to offer it till we have had the care order ended. They won't put forward a legal way of stopping him seeing her till she is 18 because they quote the Children's act which states they have to promote relationships with both parents.

I'll add that the safeguarding team who originally dealt with the case actually failed and weren't going to take us to court and allowed him to stay in the same room as her overnight and didn't really put much in place other than supervision to protect her. So when we went to court it involved our whole county's head of social services because of the failing

@HiKelsey there is a difference between allowing limited contact when the grandparents ask for it and you doing all the hard work.

Wait for them to ask, for them to make the arrangements and allow as little as possible. Online or with company there for support.

I think it's unfair to be calling his parents 'them'. Separate his Mum from his Dad. Is she a victim of her husband as well? Can you meet her and not him? Be honest with her when alone. If she doesn't accept it, then so be it. My Dad was bullying/violent. I refused to be around him when I was pregnant. My Mum had to accept it or get out of my life. Luckily he died before I gave birth.
If he isn't fully onboard with having contact with you and your daughter, then your LG is in danger of emotional harm. That doesn't mean that her grandmother can't have contact. But you need an honest conversation with her.

This is a really messy situation and people emotions and feelings towards each other are going to be confused and fluctuating.

I would stop initiating contact and wait for the Grandparents to contact you and suggest outings where you are present - like it or not your daughter is going to look for her birth family when she gets older and if you have tried to stop it then she may judge you harshly for that. I know you want to stop contact but if this awful incident had not happened and you were still married how would you have handled seeing his family then - I'm certainly not saying you should allow them to see her a lot or on her own but I'm thinking family BBQ's type environments a few times a year.

Things change and in a few years all parties may feel differently one way or the other.

I know two people who broke bones in their children totally by accident and many more who have caused injuries. This does not mean they are all bad parents.

Just an update !!

We went to court in October and the Judge saw through ex husband's lies. He granted a child arrangement order with me making all decisions for her and being her primary carer. He also granted a No contact order towards my ex, so he can only come back in her life by contacting social services, being assessed by them and me deciding if he is safe enough. If not he will have to take me back to court. Judge was amazing! He put the no contact order as I didn't ask for that as my solicitor said it was rarely given.

I have set clear boundaries for ex MIL which she's agreed to in writing after she spoke to her "solicitor ". If she goes against any then if she ever tried to take me back to court I have a agreement in writing that she has broken. I've given her a year to have weekly contact regularly and if broken repeatedly then contact will be cut. It will always be meetings in public areas with my daughter never being left alone with her.

Thank you all for your support, hope you had a lovely Christmas.