I know I am, but please help me get past this

[RamonatheMisunderstood]

I know I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful but I really don’t know how to get past these feelings of being second best.

I recently had a birthday and with my birthday money decided to buy myself an item which I thought would help with various health conditions. Mentioned this to a friend who decided she wanted one too, but she could afford to spend £££ on the very best one - whereas I could only afford £70. It just made me feel a bit rubbish and when I told DH he was really cross she’d done that as it felt like she was rubbing my nose in it (all I hear about is how wonderful it is and does mine do this, that and the other).

But - a few months ago I mentioned to DH that I’d really like an item which I could use for certain purposes to make my life easier. It’s quite expensive so I was happy to wait until my birthday, and I was delighted with it when I got it. It’s definitely helped me with doing some things.

Less than 2 weeks later DH got himself the same item - but the newest, best version. It’s not his birthday anytime soon. There isn’t really any comparison between the one I got and the one he’s bought himself - his really is amazing both to look at and in terms of functions.

I just feel really really rubbish about my birthday now. It’s brought up a lot of feelings from earlier in our relationship when we struggled for money so I’d get myself supermarket own brand things whereas he’d insist on branded items. I want to get past this, I really do, but don’t know how. He’s offered to buy me the swanky item - but I don’t know how I feel about that either. We don’t have money to burn so not sure how feasible it is - although he says we can afford it.

For full disclosure, for various reasons including health issues, I don’t work so he is the one bringing the money in. So I guess I should just suck it up as I have no income of my own. Please be gentle but help me get over this.

Ynbu

Don't suck it up and feel like crap. Take him up on the offer of the swanky item, if he's generally a good husband it sounds like a case of didn't-engage-brain-itis. Or swap!

Yanbu. Take him up on his offer.

Your friend is being thoughtless. Is she normally like that?

Your husband is being a dick- why should he get a more expensive item than you, when you waited to get it for your birthday? If you can’t afford to buy you the equivalent, you should get the better one

There isn't much you can do about your friend. Shes not done anything wrong per se and hopefully she will shut up about it when the newness/excitement wears off.

Your DH was a dick. Buying you something for your birthday and then buying himself the flashier more expensive model just because is a dick-move. Take him up on the offer to get you the swanky, flashy thing now.

Well you’re not being unreasonable.
If you as a family can afford for him to have one, just because, then you could have afforded for you to have one.
My DH is a bit like this sometimes, the money is always available if it’s something he wants or considers important. But not always if it’s what I consider important.
Now, he’s not stingy and I get very spoiled for birthdays etc but, things like house renovations- if he doesn’t think it needs doing, suddenly we can’t afford it!! 🤔

Take your dh up on the offer. If you can’t afford it he should swap. Does he recognise that this was a very ‘Im important and you’re not’ act?? Your friend is also pretty thoughtless and mean, about this at least. It would be great if you could say look you’re making me feel like crap. I can’t afford the one you have and I don’t really want to talk about how much better it is all the time.

YANBU

He's your partner and sounds very selfish. Wearing branded clothes while you shop at a supermarket???
I would LTB so can't he wouldn't know what hit him.
He's chosen to be with you, knowing you can't work. So it's his responsibility to make things fair, nice and not rub your face in it.
Nasty!

I can really understand why you're upset.

Let him buy your the good version and enjoy it. Put it this way, he did buy you what you asked for. Then he did his own research, and bought the version he decided was better/worth the extra. It doesn't mean he values you less, it could just be the way the cards fell and perhaps that YOU value yourself less.

Question: what would have happened if he'd already bought the expensive version for himself, before your birthday? Unless he'd have then chosen the cheap one for you as your main birthday gift, I don't think you have too much to worry about.

Your friend, yes that's annoying and a bit rude but it's not about you as a person.

Thank you everyone.

I think it was thoughtlessness rather than being deliberately nasty. I told him I’d posted on here - I was really trying to get past it but every time I saw both items it just got to me again, so it helps to know that my feelings are valid.

I’ve taken your advice and taken him up on the offer. I don’t know what to do with my original one - he suggested giving it to DS, but it’s not their birthday until next year and I’m also genuinely not sure what he would use it for. Perhaps the best idea is just to sell it?

I think I’ll just ignore it when my friend starts going on about it again. Or just say I’m pleased she likes hers and that I love mine. Hopefully once the novelty has worn off she’ll stop anyway.

Thank you again everyone. Mumsnetters are wise!

Call DH's bluff and tell him to buy you the swanky one too.

He KNEW you would say no.

You need equal disposable income to DH.

x-post

Well apparently we can afford it so he’s sorted me out one - although not quite all the bells and whistles because some bits I’m not fussed about, but the other bits will definitely help me - like it does him. Hopefully we can move past this now.

I'm glad it had a happy ending OP. He sounds like he has completely redeemed himself. I'm so pleased!

Sell the old one on eBay. I bought myself an Apple Watch last year and after wearing it for a couple of weeks I realised I much preferred my old Fitbit. The Apple Watch sat in its box for 2 months making me feel guilty. I eventually sold it on EBay and recouped 80% of the purchase price.