To think people CAN change?

[LittleNibbler]

Have you ever ‘changed’? Like a big part of yourself? Do you think it’s possible?

I’m a really emotional, flappy, disorganised person and I’m realising now that I have DC this doesn’t work. My DC are not school age yet but I feel like if I don’t get my shit together then how can they, and I fear we’ll always be late to school and missing this, that and the other if I don’t get on top of it now and that’s not fair.

But after nearly 40 years of being a bumbling idiot who has essentially slept walked through most of life, is it even possible? Have you ever changed a big part of your personality, how? And did those changes last?

I've not been able to change aspects of my personality permanently. I have been able to change them temporarily but always revert back to my natural state. The process usually goes along the lines of:

1. Recognise I need to change something
2. Consciously work on changing it
3. Successfully change it to the extent I don't have to actively think about it
4. My natural instincts and habits creep back unnoticed
5. I realise I'm back at stage one again.

The key thing for me is the point where the new habit becomes unconscious and I stop actively working on implementing it. Sometimes I recognise I am slipping and work to correct it, other times I don't.

So is it a case of having to constantly work on yourself do you think?

I think people can change to a small degree.
But I don’t think people usually do, if ever, change a significant part of their personality permanently.

No, I don't think so. Not fundamentally.

Oh dear, not what I wanted to hear

Hmmmmmmm

I used to be very outspoken with no filter when i was younger, as I've gotten older I've learned to put it more diplomatically and less harshly but I'm not sure whether that's just come with age and maturity.

I work better under immense pressure however DC2 (I have 3 DCs) has anxiety about lateness and general un-organization therefor I've changed certain behaviors for her sake and make more of an effort to be organized when it comes to her things.

I tend to think as long as you get where you need to go and do what you need to do it doesn't really matter how you get there.

I'm very disorganised even with school aged DC, no matter how hard I've tried to change it's not been a success! Unfortunately I think I'm That parent, always forgetting and always flapping 😔

Different personality types have different pros and cons. I’m like you, a bit disorganised and ok with being late, but also very laid back and kind, I don’t shout or rage at the DC. I wouldn’t focus on changing who you are, I’d focus on the good bits of who you are and how those boys benefit your DC.

Of course people can change!

People can certainly improve their organisational skills by putting simple systems in place- to do lists, reminders on smart phones etc.

No one is perfect though, so be kind to yourself.

I changed, although I suppose I revert back a bit when im stressed. I used to be really loud and quite hard nosed. Really unlikable tbh. Im much more self aware and empathetic now, but I have to really work at it sometimes.

IME people can change hugely. I changed a lot after having D.C. and even more as they grew up. I am very different from the woman I was at 25 or 40 or even at 50. I used to be very ambitious, driven, competitive, often verging on controlling. I'm now much more laid back, easy going, creative. People who don't change are those too blinkered or set in their ways to learn from experience.

I'm also a trained psychotherapist (a far cry from my original career path in finance!). Psychotherapy and counselling would be completely pointless if change was not possible. Why would anyone pay good money to sit in a room talking to a stranger if there wasn't hope for change at the end of the process?

I don’t know about personality change, but you can definitely put systems in place to help with organisation OP. Maybe have a chat with a friend for whom organisation appears to come naturally and see how they manage their lives. It may just be that they have processes in their lives that you haven’t considered.

Interesting question OP.

I think you shouldn't expect other people to change. For example, in a relationship with an abuser, very very safe to say they aren't going to change ever.

When it comes to ourselves, I think we can change with a lot of work and attention. And it might slip occasionally.

However, from what you have said I don't feel like you have fundamentally changed. You got away with "flapping" because it had fewer consequences. Now you don't get away with it so you don't do it! It's not a fundamental personality change really is it?

I'm not sure you change so much as you develop skills that help you achieve what is necessary.

Forgetful? Put a whiteboard on the fridge with a weekly planner.
Disorganised? There are lots of tools which can be used to organise things for you. Using reminders, getting prescriptions automatically renewed, using subscription services for shopping etc

When you feel less Disorganised, you will feel less bumbling, even if you aren't really fundamentally different.

@Confusedandshaken

IME people can change hugely. I changed a lot after having D.C. and even more as they grew up. I am very different from the woman I was at 25 or 40 or even at 50. I used to be very ambitious, driven, competitive, often verging on controlling. I'm now much more laid back, easy going, creative. People who don't change are those too blinkered or set in their ways to learn from experience.

I'm also a trained psychotherapist (a far cry from my original career path in finance!). Psychotherapy and counselling would be completely pointless if change was not possible. Why would anyone pay good money to sit in a room talking to a stranger if there wasn't hope for change at the end of the process?

Is psychotherapy supposed to change you though? I have always assumed it helps you understand yourself better - not change you.

Yes I think people can change their behaviour but only when aware what they're doing is wrong

My partner is inherently selfish but he knows it and actively stops it.

So as long as it's not subconsciously.

Also people mature, I think what you're experiencing is maturity tbh and as you know what you're doing is wrong you can change it.... if you don't you'll end up with many regrets

Just to add, I'm very outspoken and overbearing but I can see that people dont need or want my input so I keep my mouth shut but I have to actively stop myself interjecting and remind myself to shut up

Of course people can change, but usually only if it is of some perceived benefit to them.
Being flappy and disorganised has probably worked well for you in the past, as it means everyone else has had to fill in the gaps and do the organising for you, while you benefited from being seen as unreliable and therefore avoided all the donkey work.
Now that you have dependent children who physically can’t organise for you, you have realised that you need to change strategy.
It is very simple to get a planner, diary, whiteboard, whatever, and check it regularly to see what you need to arrange in advance.
Organising your life is basic adulting, and you are certainly old enough to learn, OP!
The alternative is your children being distressed by turning up late for school, missing vital PE kit, not having done their homework or without their lunchbox. I’m sure you wouldn’t want them to suffer for your inability to check a diary. You will soon get the hang of it. Good luck.

I believe we are all constantly changing, though not always through our own actions. In my 40s, I am definitely not the same, quiet, wallflower that wouldn't say boo to a goose when I was at school. However, my core personality is the same, time and experiences have changed my outlook. Confidence in my abilities makes me more comfortable to speak out, but I still sometimes feel like that little girl inside; I've just learnt how to overcome it.
OP - in answer to your question, I don't think you can fundamentally change yourself, but you can consciously make the effort to work differently.

I have changed in so many ways. Became extremely organised after being flappy in my youth. Used to have social anxiety and be shy until I realised I was only hurting myself , so trained myself out of it. Used to be a terrible cook; now I am not Michelin star but can feed my family healthy meals.

@Moonlaserbearwolf. You are quite right but a desire for change is often the reason people start therapy. It is much easier to change ingrained behaviours and thought patterns when you understand why and how they developed.