Ihave 3 older sisters, 1 is 13 years older, 2 is 11 years older, 3 is 3 years older. Sister 1 married when I was 6. Her husband sexually abused me until I was 15. Sister 3 was also abused by him buy we only spoke about this as adults.
I was raised by Sister 2, she married when I was 11 and had step children my age. She lost interest in me, my mother was emotionally absent. Sister 1 lived with my grandmother as a child and with the large age gap we were never close. She had a child when I was 10, and I spent a lot of time at their house over the next 5 years to play with my nephew. The husband would always be handsy and, ply me with alcohol 'accidentally' walk in on me using the toilet, changing etc. It progressed to sexual touching and physically hurting me. This would usually happen when my sisters would be out together for the evening and I'd help him 'babysit' my nephew. Even though this was going on I preferred it there as we were poor, they had money and a warm home, and i was showered with attention from him. My nephew was present a lot of the time and Im terrified he probably remembers some of it now.
I stopped washing, became withdrawn and bullied in school. I self harmed and reached out to a great teacher. I couldn’t tell the truth so lied. I started approaching other teachers with my story, eventually I was sent to the deputy head and shouted at for wasting the teachers time, ordered me to stop. My good teacher was present for this and told me after to ignore him and talk to her anytime, but I just couldn't after that. The school arranged counselling which was not helpful, and appointments with the school nurse to stop my cutting. She told me I had to grow up and stop this nonsense. Said I'd get septicaemia and die so there's no hope for me.I became even more withdrawn and started disassociating.
Aside from this I had a male neighbour ' G' in his 30s who had a girlfriend aged 16. I met them when I was 13. I would go to their house which was bizarre green ceilings, pagan ornaments, heavy metal. He was a Wiccan ex satanist and claimed to be psychic. Very eccentric, wore dresses modelled himself on Marilyn manson and the house was always filled with people and kids of all ages. he spoke to me like an adult made me feel special. when their relationship ended he moved onto me age 15. I would tell him about husband. He would seem supportive and now I know he was getting off on the details and did not get me any help. I was 15 and a virgin. He would tell me stories of friends his age with girlfriends my age and they would share a bed in their underwear and how that was OK so I agreed. He convinced me to have sex age 15. Feeling like someone finally cared about me. He preferred when I wore my uniform and was annoyed when I left school. I had to keep wearing it for him but he said it wasn't real anymore.
He brought me into his religion and made me a senior member. Said I could never get out and people who tried were punished by the gods. Anytime I did something wrong or upset him he'd say demons would act on his behalf, that he couldn't stop them. he convinced me he had a permanent link to my psyche and could hear my conversations, I was scared to tell anyone anything. I had no friends, by now was completely alienated from my family and spent all my time with him and his clan of witches and wiccans all in mid 20s to 40s. now I had turned 16, he physically assaulted me.
I became pregnant at 17 and he told me it was a test. That I was impregnated by herne the hunter who took over his body, and I had to demonstrate my devotion to the faith and him by aborting. I returned to college and made a male friend. Because of this he joined my class, then told me to drop out. The next 2 years nothing changed. I had almost no contact with my family living there and no friends. He would drive us to his friends houses and I wouldn't be allowed to speak. Other times he'd tell me to wait in the car and he'd be gone for several hours. He would tell me stories about his friends how they all had a fetish. He told me at 15 I needed to have one. He decided it would be tickling as that's what my sisters husband did to me. He would reenact it. He would always talk about adult babies saying his ex loved it, various friends loved it but he hated it. We would laugh about them. He would show me pictures on the Internet of women dressed as babies having sex , he convinced me no big deal. He showed me more extreme porn such as bdsm and real torture so that stuff seemed tame. years passed I asked him to tell me if it was his fetish and he admitted yes. He said he was ashamed so I had to reassure him it was OK. He eventually convinced me to take part. It went too far when he showed me a website of women dressed sexual as babies with actual photos of them as babies next to them. I said it wasn't right that he was masturbating to that and he thanked me for helping him see. and he made a point of reporting the photos while I was there. He would write sex stories of himself as a baby being breastfed and I was sick and refused to discuss it anymore with him. I stopped sexual contact with him and he was more interested in his weird porn by now. In the back of my mind I knew I was too old for him.
I had part time jobs and he would dictate what i could spend my money on, usually his computer as he lived on it. He never had a job the whole time i was with him. My father was hearing stories about him and confronted me. I was scared so run away from home. My father chased Me around the town for hours that night even going to his house. When I was safe I phoned g to beg to stay with him, he told me no as my father would come backfor him. I spent weeks on the streets. The homeless were kind to me, and in the day I was allowed at g until 10pm each night. I was given a place in a youth hostel, I was 19. The staff there concerned about him scaring the other teens with his talk about his psychic powers. He told me I had to leave but I had nowhere to go. I decided to get a job so I could afford my own place.
Around the same time the mother of his 4 year old daughter got in touch as she wanted him involved. He surprisingly said yes. After she was back in his life he was acting more strangely and started talking to me like I was a baby. He would sit me on his knee and caress me it felt very creepy and made me sick. One day she had wet herself so I put my shirt on her while her clothes dried. She was lying with her legs in the air like kids do, and had no pants on. Her legs were open and I realised he was consciously trying not to look. He was tense with a red face and staring at the TV but I could tell he was trying to see in the corner of his eye. I casually told her to put her legs down and was so worried.
He also decided he wanted his older 2 sons back in his life and went to court to have access which was granted. At the solicitor appointments he would just talk about himself, his psychic abilities and my abortion. I'ts absurd he was granted access. I remember one day we took his younger son who was 7 to the woods where we had the coven circle. I felt the atmosphere from g was odd and I said something is wrong. He told me demons were telling him to hurt his son and he was fighting everything to hold them back. Only he was capable of holding them back because he was a grand high priest. I was frightened and encouraged the boy to walk ahead and explore as i did not know what else to do.
At 19 I was given a flat by the council. My job was low paid and long hours. He would use my home while I was at work to entertain friends, eat all my food and use gas and electricity. I had to take a second job. I was 21 and made a friend of my own and kept him secret. One night we had sex and it was my way out of this hell. The next day I told him I was breaking up and he said he knew I'd slept with him. He was enraged and chased me out of the house. I was on a moped and he drove behind me. He would stalk me for over a year I would drink at the weekends meet men and live like a young free woman making up for lost years. When I left pubs he'd bundle me into his car, drive me secluded places, sometimes rape me and always terrify me. He'd have his friends parked outside pubs watching me all night too.
I had applied for a job as a police officer. I passed selection was waiting for the start date. They called me in for a discussion. 2 men police officers questioned me. They said an anonymous report said I was a member of the bnp. I knew straight away it was g as he was obsessed with nazis and had swastika tattoo. I confided in them he was harassing and assaulting me. I explained he stalks me and hurts me and this is definitely him just being vindictive. They wrote it all down and said everything would be OK, I felt they would take action but heard nothing. I never received a start date. A couple of years later a friend of his told me he was bragging about ruining my career. G eventually gave up on me when he found another girlfriend.
At 27 discussing my first abuse with sister 3. We were both abused by sister 1 husband but in different ways.She said her severe bullying of me was acting out against him. She's now a victim in every way and acts like an arse because she has trauma. I have no time for her. She was putting on me so much it brought up all my feelings. I found myself confiding in sister 2 but only about husband.She was devastated and wanted to confront him and inform sister 1. I told her not to but secretly wanted her to. Over the weeks she would phone me crying with guilt. I had to support her and reassurance her I was OK and she was not to know. It turned into me supporting her instead of the other way around. I was on a roll so told my mother shortly after. Also devastated but didn't speak to me again about it. I explained I wanted to tell sister 1 in my own time. I needed closure and no interest in police involvement.
It took years until I was in a stable healthy relationship and she encouraged me to act on my feelings as it was always there I couldn't move on. I told sister 2 and 3 I needed to tell sister 1 as it was affecting my life too much. Sister 2 tried to take over and wanted to tell her by herself. I was offended as she didn't know hardly anything and it's my experience of closure. 2 years passed and I still couldn't. My mother told me not to do it as it won't change anything just cause hurt. This hurt me so much I felt unsupported by my own mother.
One night sister 3 was very drunk, phoned sister 1 and declared his abuse. I had a panicand rushed over there. Sister 3 was unstable and very aggressive, clearly wanting to hurt sister 1 emotionally. I was so upset as I imagined tiptoeing through the details at her pace and it being very civilised and supportive. She begged us not to tell her now adult son and just wanted to know if we were going to the police. I assured her we wouldn't. The next morning she phoned with a few questions such as what level of abuse. I said touching under clothes, she was crying but relieved not rape. She told me she needed to think and not to contact her I agreed. The family rallied around her and I was left on the outside. I honestly felt like I'd killed someone and just wanted to end my life.
My partner was brilliant and I wouldn't be alive were it not for her. Nobody would give me any details. I was reluctantly told she was in a bad way and they were living together but separate lives. Months passed and I felt worse than ever my physical and mental health deteriorated. No contact from sister 1. Sister 2 and mother closed ranks and wanted me to butt out. Sister 3 indifferent, said doesn't care if she stays with him just needed to tell her. I thought I'd feel the same but felt the opposite.
After months my partner wrote a text to her saying I need help and can't move on without her speaking to me. Said I'm the one that needs support and who went through this. Said she's living with a sex abuser and that I'm being let down by her now when she has the opportunity to support me this time around for not knowing at the time. It was exactly how I was feeling I was pleased she sent it. It was direct but not nasty. My sister 2 and mother called to have a go for my partner sending such a mean text. They hadn't read it and I told them it was my feelings. They said I needed to support sister 1 as she's going through this terrible thing. It felt like a betrayal. They haven't been there for me my whole life and now there's chance to and they choose to only support her.
It's been nearly 2 years since she was told, no contact, she still lives with him. I cant move on I feel utterly worthless. It's like she can live with what he did to me as it wasn't rape. Like him touching me and torturing me is not a deal breaker in their marriage.
In the meantime I am ready to tell the police about g only. When I try its a man on the phone or a cold automated email. There's no proof I don't think, and his friends will rally around him and make my life hell. But I just need it on record as I'm sure someoneelse will have a story like mine. I have no interest in court. I saw him with a woman a few years ago, I know she has young daughters that's the only reason he's there. I think they're separated now and I feel guilty I may have been able to stop more children being hurt but just can't make a report. I desperately want to but how do I say all of this in a structured way that's of use to the police. Or a therapist? It's too long and complicated. Also I want to know what the school counsellor said about me and why my home life wasn't looked into.
I'm scared there's no record as it was in the year 2000.In the meantime my family is fractured. I've since been told sister 1 was talked off a bridge and I'm told nothing about her life. It's like she never existed, or I never existed to her. I'm immensely guilty and feel its my fault. I'm 36 now and just want these men out of my head. I want my family to understand that I'm not alright and I'm fed up pretending to be so they can stop feeling bad. I feel my mother was right when she said say nothing. It's only spread my own misery to everyone else.
You only hear stories of people supporting family when abuse is disclosed. Everyone says if they found out so so was a paedophile they'd seek justice but the opposite has happened in my family. I cant afford counselling and if anything I want those shitty men who messed me up to pay if nothing else. Why should I get into debt on top of everything. I haven't told any of this to my gp as I don't know where to start. This is me reaching out. Its been incredibly difficult to write this. I hope it's coherent and I hope somebody can advise me please . Thank you for reading,