To report or not to report?

[Glovesick]

There are rumours at school about a single parent taking drugs. They have two sons at the infant school. I have not seen any if this, but heard it from several parents that they have observed various behaviours indicating being high on drugs, both on the school run and outside of school. I don't have any involvement with the parent.

Nobody has reported to the school or SS.

Where is the right balance?

Do you report rumours/gossip/observations that could potentially have another explanation/might be a one off etc etc?

I guess people are scared to point the finger in case they are wrong and the family has to go through hell with SS or even torn apart and it turns out to be nothing.

But what about the kids? If all the grown ups find some excuse not to report, some reason to distance themselves from the situation, then who is looking out for them? That's how these horror stories happen of kids being abused for years.

If I had seen any of the behaviour myself, I would 100% report to the school. But second and third hand gossip?

WWYD?

I’d mind my own business - just like all the busybodies who you’ve heard the gossip from.

Interesting that you feel this person's marital status is relevant. This scenario has an air of not liking single parents much. Is it quite a posh area or a religious school with low divorce/child outside marriage rates? If anyone got a cause for concern raised about my children due to idle tittle tattle I'd be fuming.

@BanditoShipman

I would speak to the school

On what basis? The OP has no evidence that the parent has done anything wrong other than other parents think so.

There was a young woman single parent at my kids' primary. All sorts of rumours going around about her because she was young, had coloured hair, piercings, kept reptiles, blah blah.

Turned out her kid was autistic and then she got together with a tw her and became a brilliant specialist SN TA.

People didn't like her because she - and her child - were different. It was a disgusting witch hunt.

A teacher! She's in a relationship with a teacher.

I'm a single parent and I earn a good wage. You won't believe some of the shit my neighbours have come up with about me. Honestly, it's laughable.

Interesting that you feel this person's marital status is relevant.

It is relevant. A single parent means they are the only person responsible for the children. It means if the mum is not taking care of them properly there is not an alternative, a back up, someone else at home.

This scenario has an air of not liking single parents much.

Or perhaps it's just, you know, totally relevant.

@DrCoconut I am a single mum, so no, nothing against single parents. I just thought it was relevant info.

It's not a posh area, it's a village on the outskirts of a large city so feels suburban.

I think I am just going to keep my eyes open and if I actually see something untoward, I will mention it to school in a way PPs have suggested. Not a report as such, just a piece of info the school can file away and act on if more comes to light.

Because the school will know the child and family and can look into it with out any need for SS to be involved (unless the school uncover further issues). The school can then help if it is needed.

I’d rather the school thought me a busybody than a child was left to suffer [shrug]

For context, I have heard this gossip from about 5 people who have all recounted unrelated incidents. More out of concern for the children than anthing malicious. I have suggested they report, but all have found some excuse not to. That might be a sign they are not sure about what they saw, or just not wanting to get involved

Then they clearly are not concerned about the children, whatever they say.

If it's 5 individual concerns, and not just 1 person with four others listening, I'd let the Headteacher know what is being discussed in confidence. Better safe than sorry.

Leave it. Either

• the parent isn’t on drugs (eg could be ill), or
• the parent is on drugs but social services will do nothing, or
• the parent is on drugs and social services will take the kids away and stick them in ‘care’ where the abuse statistics are terrifying.

@Skysblue

Leave it. Either

• the parent isn’t on drugs (eg could be ill), or
• the parent is on drugs but social services will do nothing, or
• the parent is on drugs and social services will take the kids away and stick them in ‘care’ where the abuse statistics are terrifying.

Or the parent is/isn't on drugs but is struggling and will be offered support.

My list is not exhaustive. Neither is yours.

@BanditoShipman

Because the school will know the child and family and can look into it with out any need for SS to be involved (unless the school uncover further issues). The school can then help if it is needed.

I’d rather the school thought me a busybody than a child was left to suffer [shrug]

What do you think the school is going to do with your report of playground gossip?

Having read the serious case reviews for neglect and murder of children I would always report to the school, but be honest on the basis for your report

@Clymene

A teacher! She's in a relationship with a teacher.

I'm a single parent and I earn a good wage. You won't believe some of the shit my neighbours have come up with about me. Honestly, it's laughable.

Yes, this. I have a neighbour who I suspect is convinced that I am a sex worker. In a "nice" way, i.e. she always tries to hint about some rehabilitation / trafficking programmes that I might be interested in, and generally makes some weird statements like "you know, you don't have to do this, you can go to college and train as XXX". But she has not reported anything so far as I know.

The choice is:

Risk child abuse/neglect going undetected

Or

Risk putting an innocent adult and innocent child though a shit process with SS which at best will be stressful and upsetting and at worst could result in breaking up the family and ruining their lives.

Rock and hard place. Plainly the quality of evidence, all the circumstances and a sensible school is crucial to deciding which option to choose.

Plainly the quality of evidence, all the circumstances and a sensible school is crucial to deciding which option to choose.

If you have any morality then yes they are.

Having been on the receiving end of this, I know how it can grow a life of it’s own when nothing can be found to justify the original accusations, or how unprofessionally it was handled.

Knowing how much lasting damage one of my Dc's suffered from it, (never mind me) I absolutely wouldn’t unless I had first-hand reasons to believe there was truth in it.

Schools are not always the bastions of professionalism you might hope, and some are just as capable of using invented salacious gossip and class prejudice as a lens to view everything through, especially if the gossipers are over involved in the life of the school, and their target is considered beneath them.

If you have genuine concerns about the gossip, consider making the effort to get to know the parent, unless you're trying to align yourself with the gossips to protect yourself from being their target.

I missed out an option:

Report, it turns out to be justified, but the damage done to the kid by removing it is greater than if they stayed put.

What a world we live in.

Could you report that there are rumours? So making them aware that there are damaging rumours circulating that may or may not be true - it can't be nice for the dc to have parents gossiping about them

Because of what the OP posted under my comment, I'd like to make it clear when I said mishandled gossip resulted in damage; my Dc wasn't taken away or anything like that, they found nothing, but took a very long time and we were just put under un-measurable stress and unhappiness, medical diagnoses x2 significantly delayed, and turned into social pariah's for a long time, and Dc's left with trust issues, living behind closed curtains, and refusal to claim needed DLA ect to this day.

What is your job?

Not sure my job is relevant, is it?

I have no axe to grind with anyone at school, I am not in any kind of clique or incrowd. I have nothing to gain or lose socially or otherwise by reporting or not reporting. I enjoy chit chat as much as the next person, but I don't initiate or fan the flames of malicious gossip.

I simply want to be sure in my own mind I am doing the right thing. Easier on MN than IRL to get people's views and experiences.

@Glovesick

Not sure my job is relevant, is it?

I have no axe to grind with anyone at school, I am not in any kind of clique or incrowd. I have nothing to gain or lose socially or otherwise by reporting or not reporting. I enjoy chit chat as much as the next person, but I don't initiate or fan the flames of malicious gossip.

I simply want to be sure in my own mind I am doing the right thing. Easier on MN than IRL to get people's views and experiences.

Sorry op I was meant to quote @forrinborrin I wasn't asking you!

@forinborin even 🤦🏻‍♀️

[quote TheVolturi]@forinborin even 🤦🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Haha... To put it simple, software development, sometimes with scientific flair, sometimes for quantitative finance.
I guess I just look suspicious, as I mainly work weird hours from home (even pre covid)

Why on earth don't you put them straight! The nosey buggers!