To wonder if I'm depressed again?

[troobleflooble]

Not really an aibu but I find it quite hard to trust my own brain at the moment and I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about it.

I've had depression in the past and it's flared up a few times. Generally (and understandably) when I'm under a lot of stress or been through something difficult and traumatic. Sometimes will just rear it's ugly head for no particular reason.

Lately I've been feeling really..flat. I'm an emotional person generally but I just don't feel anything at the moment. I feel numb and hollow. Sort of like the world is behind a pane of glass and I can see it all but I can't touch it or experience it.

I've gone into hermit mode and I just really don't want to see or talk to anyone. I can't be bothered to do anything I normally enjoy because I just don't get enjoyment from it anymore. I do sometimes force myself to go out and do things but even when I'm doing it I don't really feel the joy I used to. Most of the time I can't even cry (and I'm normally a big crier) but I will get random surges of emotion and just sob and sob until it passes. I've lost my appetite and my sex drive which is also very unusual for me.

I know it sounds stupid asking strangers online but does this sound like depression? When I've been depressed in the past I've just felt sad all the time and cried constantly. The only time I've felt like this before was when I was briefly on anti depressants (sertraline) and I hated it so much I took myself off them.

I'm only working 3 days a week at the moment and I'm supposed to be taking on extra hours over the summer but the thought of having to go out and interact with people is overwhelming even though I desperately need the money. I don't know what to do or how to stop feeling like this 😞

I should add that outwardly I seem fine. I'm chatty and upbeat with my friends and family when I do speak to them. I'm friendly and positive sounding when I see my boss.

In reality I can't even bring myself to shower most days.

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It sounds absolutely like depression. It can hit you in many different ways - just because it's not the same as previous episodes of depression doesn't mean it's not real. How long have you been feeling like this? Are you sleeping okay?

Do you feel unable to tell anyone close to you?

Definitely sounds like depression, pretty classic symptoms really. Even if it doesn't feel the same as times before. I've had depression on and off since early teens (45 now) and each time I've had a bout it's felt slightly different. In fact last time, like you, I struggled to identify it. I'm on Setraline btw, it's bloody amazing stuff but it was quite rough getting used to it initially. Maybe try again with it?

Meant to also say sorry that you're going through this.

Thank you @mintessa
I had a period of a couple of weeks where I was super emotional and crying all the time. Now it's faded and I just have this awful numbness. All in all maybe 6 weeks or so.

@Balaur I was on sertraline for probably 2 months? Back then I actually felt like I was going mad. I could barely leave the house and it had gotten to the point where I couldn't sleep so I was on sleeping tablets as well. I found those more helpful that the sertraline tbh. They just took all my emotions away to the point where I didn't feel human anymore and I hated it. Which is exactly how I'm feeling now.

It sounds dramatic but I almost feel like the 'real me' is buried inside fighting to be let out and this awful 'blank' person has taken over my body. Like being possessed. I don't feel I have any control. I'm going through the motions of life but I just don't care about anything 😞

Sounds a lot like depression to me. If you printed off your OP and took out to your GP, I expect they'd say the same. The hollow, numb, everything-stuck-behind-glass feeling is how I get when I'm depressed, anyway. Sertraline may not have worked for you before, but if you're open to medication, may be worth having a conversation with the GP about alternatives?

You do sound depressed. I thinkntbe past year or do has been very depleting for many of us, so if its been hard for you: 💐

If sertaline messed up your sleep maybe it is worth trying another
one. IME citalopram is a bit more sedating then sertraline, but on a low dose it does not leave me numb. Just leas distressed. But everyone is different.

It does sound like depression( I have it off and on). You don’t state your age. It also sounds like peri-menopause.

I'm mid 30's.

To the PP who asked - I'm sleeping ok most days but sometimes I find it very hard to switch off and I find I lay awake thinking. I find reading in bed helps me drop off. I'm getting on average about 6hrs a night.